Planet Earth calling the doctor

Have we all got enough to worry about when we stagger through the doors of the doctor's surgery? What with swine flu felling us like flies, not to mention all the hacking coughs and searing cystitis raging in our ranks. But no, it seems that posting yourself by the phone at the dot of 8am, pleading with a brick-built receptionist and staggering half demented into the waiting room is not enough.

We have to consider our carbon footprint. That's right. They want to lecture us about climate change while refusing the antibiotics. The Climate and Health Council thinks doctor's surgeries are just the place to remind us all of our duty to the planet. "Climate change presents; " a very real and present danger," to our health, says Andy Burnham, Heath Secretary. No, he does. Crackpot ideas like this are just the thing to send us all gently bonkers. Lead on Andy, we're right behind you...

Whatever turns you on

Weird and even weirder. There's a gardening firm telling men to buy their wives a washing line so she will feel "special" this Christmas. One word - don't. A fridge, washing machine, TV or hoover, even a robot that does the job itself, is not and never will be, a present. Also thongs, slippers and anti-wrinkle cream. No gardening stuff unless she tells you she loves gardening. And uses that word. Loves. Otherwise she hates it because it's just another job. End of.

All mud and muck. Would suit a guy who has just been jailed for 20 weeks after being caught in a Cornwall farmer's slurry pit, enjoying sex with himself, AGAIN. Pity the poor farmer " Lord, that bloke's back, rolling about stark naked in the pit. Well I've had it with hosing him down - it's your turn!"

Gordon's new best friend

Start packing Gordon you're stuffed! Everyone says that Gordon Brown is starting to smell a bit funny at the back of the fridge but now he's about to be binned. Cherie Blair says she will back him all the way for the next election. She'll forgo the freebies while sparing no effort to support Gordon. He must be thrilled.

Likewise David Cameron. Having Cherie on the case is sure to save him a packet in expensive ad campaigns. Better than Jedward. Just ask the voters. Would they trust any friend of Mrs Blair's ? No? Really? How odd!
Cameron's old shirt has just raised £200 for charity, which is about what he paid for it. Kept it's second-hand value, though unlikely to appreciate much.Is Cameron himself worth the price? Not sure you would bank on it.

guys with guts

Let's hear it for the boys! What about amazing Fusionman! Sure, he ended up in the Atlantic but just look at him, soaring the skies with those wings strapped to his back. Yves Rossy was trying to fly across the Straits of Gibraltar when he hit low cloud and had to ditch. Has it put him off? No chance. This guy does acrobatics over the Alps. Respect

Then there is athlete Kurt Fearnley, gold medal winner at the paralympics. He hauled himself along the floor and up the steps to a plane after airport staff told him his wheelchair had to go in the hold. Refused to be pushed around by anyone. You can bet everyone watching was more embarrassed than he was. A lass just has to break a nail to end up being trolleyed on. Guys, you're great - we love you!

Obama friends and foes

Anybody else like the idea of Obama dithering before sending more lads to Afghanistan? He's finally agreed to send 34,000 more troops to "finish the job" Let's hope so, but perhaps the dream trip to uptown Kabul will stay on hold a while longer.
Personally happy with a spot of dithering. More of the same would have been just fine when Hitler fancied a foray into Poland. No need to rush these things.

Good old Barack is just done scoffing Chinese when he tucks into curry with the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. Good man. Bet he would kill for a decent burger.

worst job - santa's little helper

Worst job in the world? One of Santa's elves, Doesn't seem likely, what with all the extra pressies on the side, courtesy of all the naughty boys. But Santa's gone soft. He's scared of swine flu. So in the States the elves have been told to weed out the sniffly ones from the queue.
Are they serious? Try telling a mum who's been putting up with broken nights that her kid can't see Santa because he isn't well enough. She will put that elf in hospital, guaranteed.
Seems swine flu is an occupational hazard. Get over yourself big man because folk will stop believing and then where will you be.

Bossy Yanks and sulky Brits

Get a grip boys! The Yanks in Iraq got bossy and the Brits stopped taking their calls. Nobody knew when the Americans were going in and the first our lot knew about it was when they were being shot at. Does it make any sense to you? Me neither, especially the bit about British soldiers having their guns confiscated at customs as they boarded ordinary planes to go to war. What a total shambles!
It would be funny but for the lives being lost. Somebody ought to get mad and it really should be us.

And then there's Jedward - or not. Danii was gunning for them last night. An X Factor judge finally showed some guts and took a decision. About time. She's had them in her sights since they beat the lovely Lucy. Bye, bye boys - it will be seriously boring without you.

X factor Joe and his gran

" Sorry Gran! " Sweet young Joe on The X Factor last night after nan tells him off because he didn't ring. Now, could that have something to do with performing before 16 million people every week? No pressure there surely - must check how things are at the pensioners' lunch club! Shows what a lovely lad he is though.

And did you spot the sofa! White one, standing in the back alley of Joe's street in South Shields, just waiting for someone to take it to the tip! Such a fond feature of Geordie life that is, furniture in the front garden. Actually, they call them settees up there.
Just makes you love him more.

Buff boys and a great girlie ad

Seen New Moon in the Twilight trilogy yet? Get a gawp at those wolves! Early shots a bit dodgy but great in action - especially the "phasing" stage. The wereboys are buff but the ordinary guys are such uglies - that's to make the weirdos look good, but does Mike look like a pale Cornish pastie that's losing its filling? He sure loses his filling in the film. Blew it with Bella right there. But it's definitely a go-see.

There's an ad on TV at the moment featuring a girl with the best-ever bottom. Trouble is, she's got teeth missing - it's all about gun disease. Since when did we need a naked lady to get us to floss? She so puts them all off with her dreadful smile. Yea right, form an orderly queue boys.

Simon, Stacey, Cheryl and Jo - the lovely people

Two nobodies at the top of the EU - last call for the handcart to hell! Mandelson didn't fancy it - got an ego as big as Blair's but with a massive handle on the dark side he is better off where he is. Anyway, when he steps into the spotlight we only chuck him out, sooner or later.

Talking of action men Simon is back on the box at the weekend, Shiny, smooth - does anyone else think there's something missing? Might just be a sense of humour but it's odd..
The lovely Stacey Solomon will be up. She did a great job on Dusty Springfield. Always sounds a little bit asthmatic when she speaks. Probably nerves. Louis will come over all puffed up and pompous and Cheryl's little bro Joe - what can you say, he's gorgeous!!!

Kate Moss zero brain?

So Kate Moss is brain dead for saying that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Swap skinny for slim I'm with her on this one. Have you seen how many wobblies are wandering our streets? Anorexia seems less of a problem than obesity. And anorexics don't think they are skinny, they see themselves as fat. Big mental problem for them, and much sympathy, but if Kate makes a big girl bypass the doughnuts...

bravest of the brave

Aweinspiring! Used a lot, but the right word for an incredible couple. Christina Schmid is interviewed in today's Telegraph. She's the wife of bomb disposal expert Olaf who only ever made one mistake. Apart from the many many lives he saved that was the only good thing about his job - he never knew when he got it wrong.
He got it right with her though. One of the bravest men the world has known found his perfect match in Christina. Leaves you speechless.

Susan Boyle frizz free

Seen Susan Boyle's makeover? Frizz free and fabulous! All set for the Christmas number 1 with the Rolling Stones hit Wild Horses. Think some guy will fancy her now that she is worth more than most banks? She won't have to flash her thigh on telly again that's for sure. Let's hope that someone is taking care of this innocent abroad even if it is Simon Cowell.

vampire or werewolf

How do you get to be a vampire? Like Edward? That's not Jedward, that's Stephenie Meyer and Twilight Edward. And what's a good age to be bitten? She seems to reckon 18 is about right, I think 25 is better. Suppose it all depends on when you meet your bloodsucker. Tell you what though, if mine turns up now he's left it too damn late!!!! I'll stick with the warm-bloods.
Don't fancy the werewolf option. Oral hygiene not being their strong point. Guess that's why they greet each other the way they do. Morphing into a big dog might be fun for a while but would pall surely? Whereas fast forward through the woods... and they are such lookers. Shame about the hair though.

Bradley James hot or not?

New to this blogger game - but fancy keeping it light and bright and HOT - anyone else think Bradley James is the hottest on the box? He's Prince Arthur in Merlin. Best bit was at some Godforsaken station in Wales when it was just him, his hoodie and a camera.
Got to watch the behind the scenes stuff - your man Merlin has a fabulous Irish accent, even if the haircut is a bit dodgy.
Even Uther has a certain something, even if he is a total pea brain! Fantastic swordsmanship from Bradley last week and the look on his face when he nearly killed his dad! Had me convinced. Any chance of a clip on You Tube or has someone beat me to it?

Ever wanted to be in a band? Everybody's favourite fantasy isn't it? You could see yourself, up there, giving your all on X Factor. Well, maybe not X Factor, You've got to be 16 and rubbish to win that. So you're 32 and brilliant? Tough luck, you're past it.
Which makes my chances a bit slim, being a tad ancient. And while not quite Jedward, not really Queen either.
But you get asked and well, who wouldn't?
Sounded simple, you just turn up, they said. No need to be that good, you learn as you go. Don't need an instrument, they'll lend you one. Truly, that easy, just get there.
So I did. I play flute. A bit. Guy I was with plays clarinet. Worse. We made a fine pair of hopefuls turning up at the church hall. Everyone was warming up so I made a few noises myself, nothing too ambitious. "Where do we sit?" I ask him. "I sit up there," he said. "What about me?" Right in the front. No place to hide. Oh God. And they were wrong about the "straight off the street" line. Most of them could play and some of them had been doing it for YEARS.
Couple of kids a bit shaky on the cornets, but on the whole... Off we go with a rousing number, the Can Can. And as they later said, I had the tune! Nobody ever told Brian May he had the tune without at least a bit of warning. And it was fast. How to break out in a soaked sweat while just twiddling fingers. No problem at all. I may have to practise. Just a bit more.