Sunday 28 February 2010

Ticket to snack on

Insanity- there's no shortage! What about the Ryanair passenger who won £8,930 on a scratchcard.The happy chap got lucky while flying between Krakow in Poland to East Midlands last week. Delighted crew members congratulated him and told him how to claim his prize when he landed as they don't carry great wads of readies on board.

So what did he do? He ate the scratchcard. Swallowed it. Threw a hissy fit because he couldn't have his money RIGHT NOW! Well, wow that was such a good move! He won't get anything at all. What a loser!

Did he think he won one over Ryanair by stopping them handing over his dosh? Hey there, who's sorry now? Bet they are weeping bitter tears over that. More likely he is. This land is jam-full of loonies whose only purpose is to keep the rest of us entertained. Carry on crackerjacks, you're doing a fine job.

Saturday 27 February 2010

Cheryl and Johnny tattoos

Cheryl's a lovely lass and one of God's own folk - but she's not overburdened with brains is she? Hardly the sharpest to marry a tool like Cole, but to have Mrs C tattooed on her neck - to quote Siralan "what woz you finking of Cheryl?" It's really not a good move is it to carry the name of your ex on your skin to the grave. Not cool, would you say?
And Johnny Depp's apparently got Winona Forever on his bicep, which might make Vannessa his wife wince a bit. Just shows how daft we get when in love. Do stuff we wouldn't dream of otherwise. Even the scientists say it's only one step from insanity.

Makes sense when you think of what this love lark is all about. The whole sex thing is completely bonkers to anyone under ten. They can not get their heads around it at all. Let's face it, you'd have to be a bit mad, really, wouldn't you?

Thursday 25 February 2010

Ant and Dec -hand it to them

Really, really want to slag off Ant and Dec. They're young, hugely successful and pretty. Should be sitting ducks. Just can't. Today they say they are taking a pay cut because everyone else is and times are hard. Run that past again! Never mind that the cut is from £6m a year to £5m it's the pay CUT bit you remember. Be good to say they are two minute wonders but they've been in the business 23 years and they are still only 34.

Geordie accent? I can do that for a fraction of the price. But that's it really. Everyone always reckons they can do your job better than you can. TV presenting. It's a lark. Just need to hark back to excruciating Brits awards with Sam Fox to see what a total bin bag she made of it. Is that on You Tube? It ought to be.

And the lads say they just take their share of successful shows, they work for ITV and don't cost the licence payer. Hear that Gordon? What would he give for a slice of their charm? Can't buy it old son. Won me over.

Wednesday 24 February 2010

Olympic skicross superstars

How fantastic is Olympic skicross! Don't know? You just missed the best bit of telly this year. They shoot out of that trap like a dog after a rabbit and do they shift! Four at once, flat out down the hill. The falls are spectacular but they mostly get up and ski on down. Awesome! One girl came in on her tummy last night, just like the penguin in Mary Poppins, all arms and legs in the air. You laugh with relief as much as anything.

Watched the men first and they made it look easy. Then last night, the girls and suddenly you see they have to clear a huge flat, table top first. Some of them sail it, others straddle and it's game over for them. How do they do that, blasting away with a pair of sticks strapped to their feet and a blizzard raging? And all four together trying to get ahead? It's fantastic, thrilling stuff and it so beats the curling, especially after the commentators told us our girls had no chance long before the end of the end. Curling speak. And thanks guys! Dipsticks!

Sunday 21 February 2010

Small ads saint costs a fortune

Dont't often read the small ads but it seems there's a lot of folk shelling out to say thanks to a saint. Can't be a lot happening in heaven if they have time to read the paper. St Jude especially must be pretty busy, being the boy in charge of lost and desperate causes. Plenty of those about.

But he must be getting the job right because the faithful are paying good money to say thanks. Seems a swift prayer will not do, only shelling out your hard-earned is enough. Good old St Jude doesn't get anything, not that he needs it where he is, just the newspaper collects the cash.

Money for old rope springs to mind. Poor old Jude's got enough on his plate without trailing through the small ads, and in these hard-up times, his work load can only get heavier. Shall we all do him a favour and give the thankyou money to charity instead, then maybe we'd be giving him a helping hand?

Friday 19 February 2010

Monkey business

After a short foray into evolutionary theory my sister's kids turned to each other and said"Long time ago,mama used to be a monkey!" Once the car was back on the road sister said: "That was a long time ago - before grandma was born" Suitably convinced of the massive time scale involved the kids went back to sleep.
Well she was wrong. We women all go gorilla. I know I'm back with monkeys, but bear with me. This is all about the waxing, shaving, depilating. So terribly tedious. Some hair goes white and suddenly stuff on the chin goes black. Black! How did that happen? What terrible, evil witchery is this?

Got an amazing laser gizmo. Only works on dark hairs. Well no problem there. Skin light's up disco white and every hair looks black. And you can only zap the growing ones. Dormant hairs will sprout overnight. 'Tis permanent, though small blessing since the technique involves contortions a lady of sensibility should not have to subject herself to. Think I'll give up on the whole shebang. Go ape. Trouble is, I'll be on my own, won't I sisters, mmm?

Tuesday 16 February 2010

half-term headaches

Half-term and they fall into two camps, the get up and go set and the get shot of them quick set. Equally valid. I know a mum who shops at midnight so that she can spend all day doing fantastic stuff with her little darlings. There's another who won't part with her pyjamas. Her brood of six will be glued to the X Box. Now there's another lot who will be consulting the forum.
This is where the busybodies tell everyone else what to do. Someone is sure to suggest papier-mache. Or scrabble. There'll be a hike to Scafell Pike planned and a bike around Wastwater. The usual. Wears you out just scrolling it up. Time was when the only busybody you invited into your life was the mum-in-law and she could be sent on her way with a cup of tea and a sharp word. Such a whole world of advice out there. Most of it useless. Might as well stand in Tescos and yell "Anybody know a good brand of loo roll?"
Frankly, I'll make up my own mind, so it's a swift walk in the rain with the dog and bowling. Now why don't you do that?

Saturday 13 February 2010

Sex, Apes and Loonies

Sex. What Valentine's Day is all about isn't it? If we were still floating about in cyber space and could choose to start again, would we go for the same production? Maybe we could do it ET style, finger to finger, and chop out the messy bits. Have to wear boxing gloves to avoid accidentally impregnating each other. But think of the slow thrill of undoing the laces, gently easing them out of the eye holes. Except that you'd have to do it with your teeth. Or toes. That's one amazing image to shoot into the consciousness. Maybe the old ways are best after all.
Been fancied by some shockers in my time. Huge baboon for one. Not another name for a hairy-arsed bruiser from a building site, but a real wide chested, bandy legged ape from the zoo. I was wearing a blush pink jumpsuit. He came over all interested, puckering his lips and wiggling his eyebrows, clearly up for it. Clearly, this was just a huge pink bottom to him. Nobody else really went for that jumpsuit.

Got my photo in the paper and a letter arrived telling me how absolutely gorgeous I was. Quick glance at the address: Broadmoor, Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Says it all. Have a good one.

Friday 12 February 2010

Sarah and Gordon mile high club - or not?

One to put anyone off off their tea - Gordon and Sarah join the mile-high club! Lord, that's an image to haunt the deep recesses of the mind. Once there, never shifted. She's a lovely girl, but that jaw of his is deeply distracting. It could surely open up like a snake's and swallow a hippo whole. Weird. Not blessed with looks our political classes are they?

What've we got?. Darling's eyebrows - is that natural? Milliband, not bad, but not good. Cameron, average. Where's our Obama? Now he's hot. Would be nice, now the tough times are upon us, to at least have a bit of eye candy robbing us blind and lying through their teeth. Say what you like about Blair, he had a bit of pizzaz. Though they also claim he had raging halitosis too, which could be a bit of a deal-breaker. I'm no fan of Sarah Palin but if she's up against Anne Widdecombe I know where the safe money is. Shouldn't really matter, wouldn't if the job was done properly. In the vacuum where talent should be, fuggliness rushes in to take it's place. Universal law.

Thursday 11 February 2010

Old lags make you laugh

Dumb and dumber - got to hand it to the criminal fraternity - shame that we so often do - but for raw stupidity and staggering ineptitude they are unbeatable. Take young Lee Gadsby who dropped his phone while out for a spot of routine burglaring. Switch on and hey-ho, there's his face on the screen! Any old plod could decifer that clue. Call home Constable, your clear up rate's just gone rocketing! Lee 19, from Clifton, Nottingham, likes to do a bit of nicking in his spare time, so another 29 offences were added to his list. Nice one.

Good to know that he won't waste his time inside. The lags are watching the Crime and Investigation network on Sky, courtesy of the taxpayer. Costs us £4,400 a month to tutor the boys in their trade. You'd like to think that Lee wouldn't make the same mistake again, but with this wooden top I think we are safe.

Friday 5 February 2010

What they say, what they mean

Things people say " I don't want to hurt you!" Oh God, here it comes, he"s about to slice my heart with a hedge trimmer and serve it with salad to his new girlfriend.
Or "It's not about the money!" when a claim as thick as a bull's backside gets dumped on the solicitor"s desk. "Would I lie to you?" Er, is that a question that really wants an answer because naturally it would be "yes, yes, absolutely all the time YES."

Why do we do it? Is it just to get through the uncomfortable moments? "I just need a bit more space!" Like the whole house, street, country would be great, just get right out of my life. "It's not you, it's me" It's NEVER me, Lover of the Year 1993, so why don't you just take a hike and get over it? And "with respect" What! What's coming next is about to sear your ears, pop your eyes and steal your breath, leaving you gasping with its total lack of common courtesy. We all know what a pile of doggie doos it all is but we go on hoping. " I do love you, really" Ahh, better to believe in vain than not bother at all. Roll on Valentines Day

Wednesday 3 February 2010

Bottoms up by degrees

In the world of the weird and wonderful there is always room for one more. Take university registrar Karl Woodgett. He's been done for handing out fake degrees at the University of Bath. He wanted to reward his lady friends for taking part in his pain management study. That's what he calls his prediliction for tanning backsides, preferably black ones.

That's an academic for you. Anyone else would have asked them nicely if they could see their way clear to leaning over the table while he went about them with a fish slice.
But Karl, 37, gave them degrees for their pains rather than a few quid and a box of sweeties. He liked to film himself spanking them. Time was when a spanking meant a lack of educational interest, not the opposite. Each to his own. Makes you wonder what the women were qualified in - or perhaps that's one best left to the imagination. Which boggles, does it not?

sofa so good

Does anyone ever buy those sofas they put in the sales? The ones with vomit patterned cushions and yellow leatherette? Ads show some woman in pyjamas lounging on a corner unit. Does anyone ever get one of those ? In red? Clearly not, because they are still trying to sell them. Running out of time to buy too, so they say. Always just a few days left, so hurry and don't pay a penny for two years.

The thing won't last two years. Soon as you pay for it it's time to get a new one. With a weird bell end. The corner units always have this round bit at the end that has no back or sides so no one can sit on it. What's it for? Our second-hand sofa cost £50 and everyone fights over it because it's got wings to support your head while sleeping. Looks like the ones in the staring window at the old folk's home but ever tried kipping on the end of a corner unit? Exactly!