Wednesday 30 June 2010

Mad Men of the Med

So. what do the Med types not understand about the words:"You're skint!" Has the heat gone to their heads? We know they need to knock off for six hours in the afternoon because wiping down tables takes it out of them, but strikes! Are they insane?

Someone says your bank has Junk Status and you get their drift. Bit short does not cover it. So what do they do? Put in a bit of overtime? Nope, it's down tools and take to the streets in protest. Just when a few euros are heading their way. Tourists go away to relax and escape their troubles. Street riots are not a must-see. They'd rather take a ride on an Egyptian camel. At least his bad temper is fair enough. Fat Europeans are no fun. Neither are daft Greeks and Spaniards determined to dump on their own beaches

Monday 28 June 2010

Zerg a Tad Creepy?

Ever heard of a Zerg? Does creep mean any more to you than the weirdo on the train? Chances are he knows all about zerg, creep and all the other cyber treats on offer. Good luck to him.

Till now I'd say he was a saddo in a class of one. Get a life etc. Except that this is the Big One for millions who go ape at the mention of StarCraft 11:Wings of Liberty to be released on July 27. It's a computer game. A fantasy space conflict gubbins. Players total millions worldwide and nowhere more so than Korea, where professionals get rich like rock stars and live tournaments attract 120,000 spectators.

Is it me, or is there something strangely chilling about a country that can't get on with the folk next door having so much fun blowing up other worlds? Especially with a big bomb sitting there, just longing for a bit of action. Still, all is not lost. Scandal strikes! A bit of cash on the side is all it takes to get players to throw the game and upset the gamblers. A few quid in the real world always did go a long way. Twas ever thus.

Saturday 26 June 2010

Vote Rory for PM

If Cameron fancies a spot of babysitting any time soon can Rory Stewart have a shot at his job? A Harvard human rights professor and author of two best-sellers, officer in the Black Watch and diplomat in Montenegro who walked 6,000 miles across Iran, Nepal, Pakistan, India and Afghanistan, he speaks 11 languages, though the Serbo-Croat is " a bit rusty." A nice bloke too . The man is MASSIVELY over-qualified.

Makes you wonder what possessed him to stand as a Conservative candidate. He won - naturally. Now he is saying that we ought to think again over Afghanistan and worry more about Pakistan, where the real problems lie. "It is mission impossible in Afghanistan, " he says. I believe him. I'd believe him if he said he could walk on water.

With all the dross floating around Westminster they have finally seen sense and elected him to the Commons Foreign Affairs Select Committee. It's a start. This guy is only 37 but I am convinced he is the second coming and we'd better appreciate him a whole lot more than the we did the last one.

Thursday 24 June 2010

A new age of austerity

So they reckon our kids are looking at a new age of austerity. The budget means we may be back to sweet rationing. Well that'll be good for their teeth. Notice a slight lack of sympathy? Dead right. Austerity? When they are all signing up for the new iPhone? Poor mites, all this cost-cutting, how will they cope?

Some of us have been here before. Black and white tellies, paraffin heaters and Stork not butter.

No, never that. They used to ask if you could tell the difference? Were they kidding? That stuff used to stink, you could tell if a family was skint simply by smelling the kids. They would reek of the stuff.

That and the paraffin. Central heating was a distant dream, not installed until I left home. You'd just put an extra coat on the bed. Now they are saying that new measures to cut waste will mean our kids doing without the little extras. We won't be affording the foreign holidays, Kumon and music lessons. Except that we will. Because the kids always come first. As my old dad used to say: "Debt? Why worry about it? Let them that wants it worry about it!" Worked for him.

Monday 21 June 2010

Alive and kicking Ass

Did it! All 1,025 miles of it. That's from stormy John O Groats to sunny Land"s End in eight back-breaking, bone-shattering days. One guy was throwing up by the roadside and had to get into the bus with only 20 miles to go. Another wheelied in with Will You Marry Me Jo? on his T shirt. Judging by her delighted squeals the answer was yes.

Our man got there just before the police escort. About two stones lighter and barely able to speak. This was harder than the Marathon, harder than the Ironman and just about any other challenge he has set himself. He got the prize for the grittiest ride after struggling on to do 120 miles on an empty, sicky stomach.

Loads didn't make it but for those that did it was a moment of total jubilation, followed by "Who wants to see my saddle sores?" One to pass on. Savlon used by the shedload. Still knackered today though and it has yet to sink in for most of them, but when it does - take a bow boys and girls we are proud of you!

Friday 18 June 2010

Bad Day on a Bike

Almost Dead Tour - grave day yesterday. Our man thought he had escaped the lurgy. Wrong. In this event food equals energy, equals distance on the bike. Chuck up your breakfast and disaster looms. Heading down from Manchester, 120 miles, with no fuel in the tank, it looked like the end.

But the buddies were there. These are the support team. They chat, ride in front to create drag and they stay with you. It took 14 hours with Rich, Paul, Andy and Rob hauling our sick man along. With 12 miles to go they suggested getting in the bus. No, not yet.
So the wheels got rolling finally into Ludlow Racecourse where the rest of the riders were lined up. And you know what? They sang "We are The Champions!" as our hero staggered in. All of them. What a welcome! Today our man feels 80% fit and ready to give it another go. Respect!

Wednesday 16 June 2010

Not Dead Yet Tour Update

The trick is to do it with your own two feet. Our man did it in bare feet. The Not Dead Yet Tour that is. This morning the hardy crew had to tackle the 1,489 feet Kirkstone Pass in the Lake District straight after breakfast. At times the gradient is 1 in 4. Some bottled it and went in the bus. Others pumped pedals all the way to the top. Our man took the silly bike shoes off and walked it. Still got there.

There's the ASBO Biker, a probation officer who has a tag on his bike. All his mates back home know where he is at any point on the 1,000 mile route from John O Groats to Land's End. Bet he's an inspiration to the bad boys.

Still a long way to go. Plenty of it pretty like now, and some not so, like Carlisle. Still hoping to make Penzance on Sunday if the Achilles tendons hold out.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Taleban Change of Plan?

Tough call Taleban. Been good all this hanging around in the Dark Ages, terrorising folk and locking up women but now lads it seems we are sitting on a goldmine. Or a lithium mine, which could be worth even more. Now there's a dilemma.
All this time we've been slagging off the West because they like to buy stuff. We are too poor to buy stuff, so that seemed fair,
But now Afghanistan could be oozing with lithium, which they need for their computers and phones. Even Osama likes his phone. It's on our land and could be worth trillions.Trillions!
Only we'd need their help to get it out of the ground. Engineers, mining kit, so on. What to do? We could stay dirt poor. Or we could shake hands, say sorry pal about the bombs and could you see your way clear to digging a great big hole for us? We'd make it worth your while.
Rags or riches? Only one way to decide - FIGHT!!!!

Sunday 13 June 2010

Mad, Bad, Bikers

Well they're off. All those sweaty weekends pumping away at the pedals are finally paying off. Or not. Five hundred guys and girls set off from John o Groats to cycle to Land's End yesterday. I'm calling it the Not Dead Yet tour.
Some of them are elite riders. Most of them are just ordinary folk with day jobs who train when they can. One of them is a guy just short of 55 who is just hoping to finish.
It's not Everest or the South Pole, but it is 1,000 miles in ten days, no bunking off for a pint and a pizza.
It's a tough call. Most people do it from the other way when you get the benefit of the wind. Yesterday it was all in the faces as they set off west across the top of Scotland for the first 35-mile leg. With rain like stair rods - only sideways. All fronts were sodden, backs dry. That kind of rain. Our man took four and a half hours to do this first stretch. To say he was suicidal is an understatement. He could barely speak. Get a load of grub on board and then do another 35, then another until finally pitch up at camp. Some of the group got the broom wagon to sweep them up and drive them in. Not our lad. One day down. I'll keep you posted.

Saturday 12 June 2010

Flattering footwear - not really

Somebody is pulling somebody's tiddler! Having them on. Have you seen that brand of summer footwear we are all supposed to go bonkers over? It goes against principle to mention names but they are the fuggliest things since Crocs and yet they are flying off the shelves.
Famed to be good for the perineum. Nobody knows what that is until childbirth when it comes into pretty sharp focus. Literally. The sales speak claims they are also good for legs and bum. What are we saying here? " My backside looks like a deployed airbag and my legs are doubling up as fence posts - must have those shoes!" Apparently they feel like walking on marshmallow, so the muscles have to work to keep the body balanced. If you believe that you'll believe I won Miss World.
With their barge-shaped soles they look like the type of thing Africans used to make out of old tyres. Probably still do. At more than £30 a pair no African will be splashing out on these that's for sure.
Devotees say they are comfy. Like thongs were you mean? People will say anything for fashion but they can never claim these are flattering.

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Funky Uni fashion!

Students - are they not the best? All up for a bit of anarchy and a new take on the world! It's Graduate Fashion Week, when the young and talented get a chance to strut their stuff. Go Guys! You have to love their enthusiasm even if good taste takes a back seat.
There's a knitted big pants set by a lass called Rosie Sugden. She sounds like a Lancashire mill worker. Strangely the pants look like the woollen trunks my dad used to wear to the beach. They were hideously embarrassing then and that's going back a bit. Odd to see a revival. These ones are trimmed with lace but I bet they still scratch.
Then there's the Meccano frock by Julie Perry. It's a black dress with a lot of metal stitched to it. Think suspension bridge. Certainly different, but going to the loo could lead to a nasty accident and a lot of explaining in Casualty.
Catwalk pieces are never meant for the High Street. Nobody will be wearing bendy metal bits any day soon. At least, not to Tescos they won't. It's all about getting your name known. So ROSIE SUGDEN, let's have yours in megga lights. We love you!

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Born to be Wild

Fantastic Mr Fox - my rear end! Roald Dahl has a lot to answer for. Crafty, clever and completely fearless, foxes are meant to look fabulous in the countryside. Or the odd unprotected hen coop. Not my Brighton back garden where bunnies and kids are enjoying the sunshine.
The latest news about the mauling of two little girls comes as no surprise, having faced Reynard out and dropped my gaze first. Bold doesn't come close. Wild hand flapping and shooing looks embarrassing before that steady stare. They go when and where they want, dancing along the top of a fence with more skill than Cirque Soleil acrobat. They could walk a washing line.
We thought day times were safe. The dog knew otherwise and bust a gut trying to break through the back door. The rabbits were out, so he got banned to his bed. Bad move. We found the bobtail well under the decking. Which was only six inches off the ground. Sworn enemy of the canine, our Jet would have have given that fox a good pasting or died in the attempt. As it was the bunny copped it.
We blame easy access bins and misguided nature lovers leaving out treats. I want foxes wild and scared, not urban mums.



















or died in the attempt. As it was, the bunny copped it.

Sunday 6 June 2010

Wizard lost his Magic

Has Potter peaked? Are we all muggled out? Only ask because there seems to be a lukewarm reaction to the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter due to open in Florida this week. Dragons, Dementors, spiders and spookiness - should be a must see for all those magic fans.
Except that the stars of the films are giving it a swerve. They have better things to do than go to the opening. Like what exactly? So far Daniel Radcliffe is no Oscar snatcher and same goes for feisty Hermione Emma Watson. As for Rupert Grint he only ever had two expressions, blissfully blank and wide-eyed horror, though to be fair they covered most situations.
Rupe should look to his laurels. He's no pretty boy and his skills don't stretch to character acting. He should be milking the Potter machine for all he can get. Could be these child stars have grown a bit big for their broomsticks.
The kids who struck gold in the smash hit Oliver reckoned their paths would be paved with pay cheques. Not so. Get yourselves to Florida and cast a spell before the starlight fades I'd say because, guess what gang, you weren't that brilliant to begin with.

Saturday 5 June 2010

Chandi the Dancing Dog Deserves it.

She's 12, she's gorgeous and she dances like a dream. Will she win Britain's Got Talent - yep I'd put good money on it. We are a nation of dog lovers so if the lovely Chandi can't pull it off tonight I'm a Dalmation.
She's up against some stiff competition in Spelbound but I still think she'll take it by more than a whisker. Well deserved and good luck to her and trainer Tina Humphrey.
Still I bet there's a dark side. Bound to be the odd loony talking about cruelty to animals. May even be a bit of hate mail, all capital letters and green ink. They'll be saying it's wrong to teach a dog to dance. Getting her up in front of all those baying crowds and bright lights, what is Tina thinking of?
Old ladies used to protest when our dog ran with the kids' bikes. Too much for him they'd yell and start swinging their handbags, ignoring the fact that the animal was clearly in his element. A friend has a Min Pin, that's a miniature Doberman Pinscher and she is forever being told that the dog is too young to be out. At eight? Hardly.
Maybe I'll make it to old age. Have to hope so but will I manage to mind my own business when that happy day arrives? Probably not.

Wednesday 2 June 2010

balding, ballerina pizza fairy

So, is there anyone who doesn't like pizza? No? Thought not. They seem to fly off the shelves. Yet Goodfellas is struggling. Not through any fault of ours. They go down well in this sleepy hollow.
The admen have had their thinking caps on and come up with a stroke of genius - a fat, balding Italian waiter dressed in a tutu with a wand, wings and fairy dust. Magic! YES boys, that'll do it! We'll all rush to the shops now because, obviously, they're the best. If Fairy Godfather says so, why argue?
Bound to be just as irritating as the Go Compare guy, singing his heart out and making ladies swoon. Can't for the life of me see why. He's no Johnnie Depp is he?
Maybe they are hoping for another meerkat bullseye. We love that one. A furry face with a funny accent does it every time. They ought to take a look at Creature Comforts on You Tube. Makes us laugh and we might even buy more pizza - not that the freezer isn't bursting at the seams as it is. Regretfully we'll pass on the balding blokes though, despite the fabulous frock.