Saturday 28 August 2010

Burkha Brigade and Black Looks at Airport

Burkhas - which way do you swing? About to board a plane, the question becomes a bit more pressing when faced with four figures in black. As the man in security said: "Could be a woman, man or a monkey - how would i know?"

Plenty of passengers trying- and failing - to look unconcerned. Then we get to the bit where you put your belt in a box and hope your pants don't fall down. The burkha brigade are called to one side. Palpable relief all round.

Beneath the black you can feel them bristle. "Is it coz I's Muslim?" No, you dipstick, it's because you are trying to take two flasks of tea onto the plane with you! Along with a mini suitcase full of make-up. These girls sure like to slap up in their spare time.

Security man starts to lose patience as they insist on holding onto their drinks. "You were asked about liquids at check-in!" he explains as he confiscates the stuff. She gets most of her make-up through though, thankfully to Quatar, which I have no intention of visiting any time soon.

What is it with these people? Has the irony escaped them that it was one of their own fundamentalists who almost blew his balls off trying to mix explosives in his lap? That's the reason we have these rules pal, nothing to do with religion.

Thursday 26 August 2010

Bit Batty or What

Been a good year for bats! That pleases me. I like bats. I love their silent flight and their sonar. I even like their waxy, leathery wings. So to hear that a bad winter for us is good for them makes me feel that being snowed up at Gatwick for three days was worth it - almost. Bats need a cold winter to hibernate properly. I have no trouble hibernating.

I'd like to be a bat, I'll happily come back as a vampire, but being a veggie, fruit would probably suit me best, whatever. It's probably got a lot to do with the Twilight trilogy. I could SO fancy getting bitten by a sexy vamp and then living an everlasting and beautiful life.

Soul or no soul, sounds good to me. But if such things do exist - and I'm not writing them off because that would kill a favourite fantasy stone dead - then the sexy Vampboy has left it way too late - about 30 years or so - and if he turns up now I'll be so mad I'll send him screaming into the night!

Wednesday 25 August 2010

Rugger Shirker Wussed Out

Now we know.Those huge, hunky rugger players are just cute and cuddly pussy cats. All that pushing, shoving, sliding for miles in the mud, heaving at drawers and hoiking high into the air is just so much show. They are big softies inside.

How else do we explain the latest hoo-ha where a player bit on a blood capsule to fake an injury and then, when the officials called his bluff, shouted at the team doctor until she cut his lip to make it real? The doctor's in court, fair enough, but you have to wonder at the mettle of the man.

A lot of flat noses and cauliflower ears would suggest a fracas or two. A bit of blood seems to be par for the pitch. They shrug it off. So what stopped Tom Williams? He wussed out, that's what, and demanded someone else do the dirty work.

Games gone down the pan. Rugby used to be a sport for gentlemen, even if they were built like a block of flats and just about as pretty. Some of them were very bright too. Not looking so clever now.

Monday 23 August 2010

Anybody Out There?

Are they for real? Don't mess with the singers on X factor! It's because they are crap that we watch . Now there's an Auto Tune device that keeps everyone on key - disaster! Nobody wants them in tune, that's why Jedward are making millions.

We want to hear Somewhere Over The Rainbow and the first two notes are the same. It's brilliant when Simon pulls a face and their eyes go wide with shock as he tells them they can"t sing. Once they get good we still watch, but the oomph has gone out of it.

Makes you wonder if there is a real world out there. What with airbrushing pics and fixing dud notes, not to mention running your avatar football club and paying proper money for players. Does anybody actually exist anymore or are we all pretend people? I might be the only one left - hello?

Saturday 21 August 2010

Just a load of Soy sauce?

What to do with a dead granny? Time was when the choice was between burial or cremation, the only frisson being maybe the medical school option, but mostly it was a done deal. How times change! Now variety is the spice of death, especially in the east where morbid has taken on a whole new meaning

Japan has always chosen its own cultural path and to hear that one guy is carrying the bones of his dead mum around in a rucksack somehow fails to surprise. He needed the pension, so this seemed a good idea. And he is not alone. The Japanese pride themselves on the longevity of their citizens and the accuracy of their records. Bit of doubt creeping in there now.

Partygoers keen to celebrate the 111th birthday of Tokyo's oldest man were disappointed to find his dessicated remains in the attic, the minor detail of a stopped heart failing to prevent Sogen Kato from collecting his pension for 30 years .

Undaunted, the celebrations switched to the oldest woman, only to find the party pooped again by the fact that she has not been seen for five decades. You wouldn't mind, but they told us that everyone over there lived long and happy lives on sushi and soya and we've been stuffing ourselves with the the dreadful stuff ever since.

Thursday 19 August 2010

Gandalf Takes to the Skies

First we had volcanoes now it's a vulture causing havoc in the skies. Pilots have been told to beware of Gandalf, a seven-year-old bird with a 10 foot wing span. Just imagine glancing out of the cockpit to see THAT coming along broadside!

Gandalf was strutting her stuff at the World of Wings display in Lanarkshire when she got a bit bored and decided to explore. She's not been sighted since. Not surprising. If they can't get the sex right on somthing that size, then really, why should a girl stick around?

I hope she's half-way to Africa by now, be no more than a stroll in the park to something with wings that wide. Still, it's a bit of a bother for those of us yet to take our summer break. In 1973 a plane hit one of her sort at 36,000 feet, cruising height, which is pretty impressive. The plane survived. I'd like to imaging Gandalf sitting on a branch with a few more of her kind doing a Jungle Book:" Whaddaya wanna do? I dunno, whaddaya wanna do? Don't start that again, " routine while sounding like Ringo Starr. Hope she makes it.

Tuesday 17 August 2010

Ambushed by ads

Feeling slightly smug today. I spotted it you see. The ad, in the paper, the one that says "I"m homeless, will you help me?" It's usually tucked away on page 10, under some story nobody can be bothered to read. Then a bit later on, wham, there"s the big, full page jobbie, headlined:"Did you See John?" No, well get your wallet out and start caring you cold, heartless swine!

I never see them usually, but today, the sweet, little face struck a chord. I'd love to help, I really would, but I'm still not sending anything though, because yes, I do have a heart of stone and no, I don't like being ambushed like that. Every other page seems to be asking for my cash and while some causes are always on my list, kids and cancer mainly, others will have to wait their turn or I will be the one homeless. Is that uncaring? Maybe, but I do wonder at the cost of the ads they take out to tell me so.

Sunday 15 August 2010

Misunderstood Masterpiece

One man's jackson is another man's pollocks, but Brighton seems to take all sorts. Arty farty is what they do best. I should know, lived there for ten years so can't help but sympathise with the council man who couldn't tell his art from his elbow.

Paul Chi and Miranda Jane Ryder spent ages laying out colourful silks so people could admire the effect from the sea front. Pleased as punch they popped off for a cup of tea and the street cleaner came by and threw the lot in the bin. Just a pile of tat to him.

It's a hard life being an artist. Not everybody gets it. Picasso had the same problem when he started up. Must have driven him spare. Still, it's nice to see a bit of healthy scepticism instead of " Wow! A filthy bed, that's so insightful!" nonsense.

Saturday 14 August 2010

Duchess Sarah is Midas in Reverse

Got to be Royal to get it really, really wrong! Go large and be damned is their motto. With them, nobody is a headcase, they are rolling, raving, rip your kit off, loony. Not just drunken uncles, it"s gurning granny lush with Bell's on.

But Sarah, she's a marvel isn't she? In the mire again. She's lost millions, found it and then, lost the lot! Skint! HOW? A million quid makes a block the size of a house. She's just gone down to the tune of £3.2m. The lass is a walking financial black hole. Why would anyone trust their cash to her a second time? Call yourself a duchess and the serfs shower you with their cash.

Andy, they used to call him Randy but she's knocked that right out of him, is at his wit's end. Bail the ex-wife out again. For the sake of the kids. She's a nice person, don't doubt it, but I wouldn't trust her to pay the parking meter. The car would be towed away by lunch time.

Friday 13 August 2010

Goggling at Google

Wildlife photographers do it all the time - but Google? Was no one else amazed that the driver of the Google mapping car didn't stop to help a child lying flat out by the road? Did they see the kid lie down, have a giggle at her antics and then move off? Or was she already playing dead as they went past and, like the lads who work in the jungle, they left well alone as this was nature at work? I find it weird.

Nature though - didn't she put on a great show last night! Lying in the back garden I wasn't expecting very much then - wow! Massive, great, stella snowball out of nowhere! Stood there yelling with glee! Seeing the wide universe at work reveals how tiny you are. Strange how happy that makes you. Brings out the big kid every time.

Thursday 12 August 2010

Give Tony's Tome a Swerve

Are you clamming to get your hands on Tony Blair's new book? No, me neither. The ramblings of a lying politician who took us into an illegal war are not on my must-have reading list.

Not everyone feels the same. Some poor souls will be queuing up at Waterstones in the hope of getting a signed copy from their hero. Well, best of luck because the chances are slim. Tony doesn't like his fans very much. He will not speak to them or have his pic taken, so don't even think about asking where the money went.

This is after checking in all bags, cameras and phones and waiting in a queue. For what is probably a dreadful book that tells us nothing new. Peter got there first. How about we all give the whole shebang a swerve and just leave him sitting there on his lonesome? Wouldn't that be peachy? He'd be looking around saying:" What did I do wrong?" Who wants to be the first to tell him?

Sunday 8 August 2010

Never Mind a Slap - Pass the Axe

Heard of the latest best-seller The Slap? it's about a man who smacks someone else's kid. How amazingly, incredibly, courageous is that? That's the bravest thing I've ever heard of - short of disarming bombs that is.

There is no way anyone should try this at home! I once asked a kid, nicely, to stop bashing the back of my seat at the cinema and practically got my head kicked in by his horrendous, foul-mouthed mother who reckoned I was all shades of evil for finding even the tiniest fault with her son.

We moved schools after a short, quiet ,telling-off of a reknowned bully in the playground let to a ban on us coming into the school and a huge round of applause for the nasty little minx. Bitter? Dead right I am.

Not violent by nature but some kids make you want to take up an axe and make firewood of them. Quickly followed on top of the bonfire by their almost always awful parents. I'd serve the time - worth it for making the world a better place!

Thursday 5 August 2010

Big Hug for Barack

Really, really want to give Barack Obama a hug! Of course he's hot - did you see that catch-your-breath pic of him in the boater when he was a student? So what he's now 49, the guy is LOADED!

But this was a "never mind pet" hug, because for the very first time, I feel a mite sorry for him. It was his birthday yesterday, and let's face it, 49 is a toughie. Hitting 50 feels like a ticket all the way down to the trash can.

The poor lad was all on his lonesome, with wife Michelle and youngest daughter sunning in Spain and other child off to summer camp. Michelle knew just what to do - she organised an electronic card with a million supporters' signatures. Mighty Dandy! Just what the man needed. He KNOWS he has a million female strangers gagging for him, never mind political allies. That's not the point.

When you think, wrongly in his case, that old age is nipping at your rear end what you want is the close loving support of your nearest and dearest, not the - electronic - good wishes of strangers. Better get it together next year Michelle or honest to god I'll be over there to show you how it's done!

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Brain Dead in the Bush

Turn on sat-nav switch off brain! Why does a box on the dash shut down all rational thought in some people?

A British couple were driving with two teenage lads in the outback of Australia when their sat-nav told them to taker a short cut through the bush. Ignoring the Road Closed signs they carried on regardless - and ended up stuck in the mud for four days when torrential rain turned the unsealed road into a bog.


Mrs Lorraine Emtage said: " We were living in the car stuck on a tilt with little food and water" They tried to dig the car out with their bare hands and were finally rescued when the police abandoned their own car and walked 3km to reach them. A cop said: 'When you get enough rain the roads become impassable - that's why they are closed!"

The car is still stuck because the council can't even reach it with a tractor. I love sat-navs - Cambridge is living hell without one - but whoever claimed they could read?

Monday 2 August 2010

All Over Casanova

Romeo has lost the plot! Romance is dead and the girls are broken-hearted. Panda eyes rule! The latest news - Italians are no longer the hottest lovers. That's like saying chocolate is evil or Christmas has been cancelled.

The Latins were always the best, with their soulful brown eyes and tight, white jeans. Not to my taste, a well-rounded Geordie lass keen on strong men rather than kitten-hipped Casanovas but that's just me.

Now a poll by an Italian magazine of 1,000 foreign women has found that 79% find Italian men humourless, grumpy and too close to their mothers. Phew that's telling them! Even the home birds are finding fault, with a medical conference in Rome discovering that six out pf ten Italian women are dissatisfied with their love lives.

Oh dear - time to hear it from the boys? Timeless Sophia Loren apart, it's a push to stay bella on pasta and pizza. Any lover will wilt when faced with the flab. Do the ladies need to see if they measure up too?