One way trip to Mars - who's up for that then? Sounds like a winner. All expenses paid, no council tax or greedy politicians and plenty of wide open space. No Strictly or X Factor, just make your own fun, like they did before the war.
The scientists are serious. "Some people would call it scary but I'd call it thrilling or exciting," says astrobiologist Dirk Schulze-Makuch. co-author of a paper into the mission, planned for 2030. Nasa has about £1m towards the cost, reckoned to run to 10 billion dollars, but is looking for private funding.
They'll send on a nuclear reactor, food, solar panels and tools so that the new Martians will feel at home. Water and oxygen are available in the planet's large stores of ice. No worries there then. Shame the cost of getting back is too high. As your mum would say, it's like it or lump it.
"These volunteers will be the next big explorers - the new Magellan and Columbus - and they will have the whole planet to themselves," adds Dirk. They will also be over sixty because they have to live out the rest of their lives there. Oh dear, is this the old folks home from hell? No hoodies or screaming toddlers sure, but will they remember to turn off the gas?
Sunday 31 October 2010
Thursday 28 October 2010
Panda Fun and Games
Feeling glum? Then pick up a panda! Six are on their way to the Asian games to add the feel-good factor. Master stroke! Totally with them on this one. Nothing more likely to up the cheer than a great, cuddly panda.
Proved it when they shipped eight to the Beijing Olympics and they attracted 2.1million visitors over ten months. That's a fair strike rate. Don't really know why. Pandas must be life's biggest losers after all. They hate sex, are as likely to sit on their tiny babies as suckle them and only eat bamboo, which is more than a bit picky. What are they for?
Perhaps we like them so much because their huge heads and big eyes remind us of babies' faces. Can't help but respond, we are just hard-wired to like them. Maybe the monochrome look strikes a chord, though that doesn't work for zebras or Newcastle United fans.
Pandas just sit there looking pretty and sucking on sticks. They are not even that playful and come across as frankly, a bit dim. Yet we flock to see them. What a brilliant con job nature just pulled off.
Proved it when they shipped eight to the Beijing Olympics and they attracted 2.1million visitors over ten months. That's a fair strike rate. Don't really know why. Pandas must be life's biggest losers after all. They hate sex, are as likely to sit on their tiny babies as suckle them and only eat bamboo, which is more than a bit picky. What are they for?
Perhaps we like them so much because their huge heads and big eyes remind us of babies' faces. Can't help but respond, we are just hard-wired to like them. Maybe the monochrome look strikes a chord, though that doesn't work for zebras or Newcastle United fans.
Pandas just sit there looking pretty and sucking on sticks. They are not even that playful and come across as frankly, a bit dim. Yet we flock to see them. What a brilliant con job nature just pulled off.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Italian lovelies Cover Up by Law
Ban the mini-skirt! It's indecent. Not the burkha brigade this time but - guess who - the Italians! Didn't see that one coming. Are the Latins losing their mojo? Such a shame for the ladies if that's so. A girl didn't have to be a looker to get a glance from a doe-eyed Romeo. Runs in their blood like olive oil.
But Mayor of Castellammare di Stabia, Mr Luigi Bobbio has ruled against. No mini skirts, cleavage or low jeans are allowed. Is he a man?
Of course if your legs could support the Colosseum maybe it's time for a maxi. And nobody likes stuff spilling out all over the place. That's just not nice. But Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. Who wants to hide that away?
Mr Bobbio says he's had to be drastic because: "On the first day of summer people walk around as though they were on the beach. It's something that no civilised city could tolerate." Could be wrong but I bet he's on his own there. The girls certainly think so, they've been getting their legs out anyway and saying: " Now fine us all!"
Come the first day of Spring all will be forgiven and forgotten. Otherwise sadly, those gorgeous Italian guys can kiss their romantic reputation goodbye.
But Mayor of Castellammare di Stabia, Mr Luigi Bobbio has ruled against. No mini skirts, cleavage or low jeans are allowed. Is he a man?
Of course if your legs could support the Colosseum maybe it's time for a maxi. And nobody likes stuff spilling out all over the place. That's just not nice. But Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. Who wants to hide that away?
Mr Bobbio says he's had to be drastic because: "On the first day of summer people walk around as though they were on the beach. It's something that no civilised city could tolerate." Could be wrong but I bet he's on his own there. The girls certainly think so, they've been getting their legs out anyway and saying: " Now fine us all!"
Come the first day of Spring all will be forgiven and forgotten. Otherwise sadly, those gorgeous Italian guys can kiss their romantic reputation goodbye.
Sunday 24 October 2010
Obama"s Choice
So Obama did Michelle a favour? "He could have married a white woman but instead he chose a woman darker than him!" Is that for real? This was from a mate of hers too, her biographer Liza Mundy. With friends like that...
OF COURSE Obama could have married a white woman. The man's so hot his shirt is smokin'! Any woman would have to be nailed into a box not to notice.
He could have had anybody. He chose Michelle. And as with the rest of us, the darkness of her skin had nothing to do with it. Feels really, really weird to have to state the obvious like that. Nobody in the UK gives a monkeys that they are the first black couple in the White House. Yet Ms Mundy says of Michelle: "You can't overestimate how symbolically important she is for African American women."
So it's not her intellect or her degrees from Princeton and Harvard. It's just great that a black woman is married to the President. No wonder she's feeling a tad fed-up these days.
OF COURSE Obama could have married a white woman. The man's so hot his shirt is smokin'! Any woman would have to be nailed into a box not to notice.
He could have had anybody. He chose Michelle. And as with the rest of us, the darkness of her skin had nothing to do with it. Feels really, really weird to have to state the obvious like that. Nobody in the UK gives a monkeys that they are the first black couple in the White House. Yet Ms Mundy says of Michelle: "You can't overestimate how symbolically important she is for African American women."
So it's not her intellect or her degrees from Princeton and Harvard. It's just great that a black woman is married to the President. No wonder she's feeling a tad fed-up these days.
Friday 22 October 2010
Bang on The Button - Er. No
Bomb? What bomb? - I'm blown away here having fun! President Clinton lost the codes to our nuclear deterrent around about the time Miss Lewinsky was providing an explosive experience of her own.
He remembered having them, " rubber banded to his credit cards in his trouser pocket." Now which pants would they be President, oh yes, the ones on the floor of the Oval Office. Still no harm done, we're all still here. Got new ones eventually. And the Ruskies had no idea they were missing for months.
Without the codes there was no way the President could press the button to launch a nuclear strike. Lt Col Robert Patterson says an aide supposed to check the code every month was sent away because the President was too busy. When he finally " fessed up" the Pentagon went into meltdown to get new ones, which took hours. The old ones never turned up.
Bill had a lot on his mind - he admitted the codes were gone on the same day his affair with Monica hit the fan. Bit of a priority problem there - what"ll look worst in the papers tomorrow? Spoilt for choice really. Nobody could believe it, and anyway the sex was such a good read that slippery Bill got away with it. Nice to know our planet was in such safe hands.
He remembered having them, " rubber banded to his credit cards in his trouser pocket." Now which pants would they be President, oh yes, the ones on the floor of the Oval Office. Still no harm done, we're all still here. Got new ones eventually. And the Ruskies had no idea they were missing for months.
Without the codes there was no way the President could press the button to launch a nuclear strike. Lt Col Robert Patterson says an aide supposed to check the code every month was sent away because the President was too busy. When he finally " fessed up" the Pentagon went into meltdown to get new ones, which took hours. The old ones never turned up.
Bill had a lot on his mind - he admitted the codes were gone on the same day his affair with Monica hit the fan. Bit of a priority problem there - what"ll look worst in the papers tomorrow? Spoilt for choice really. Nobody could believe it, and anyway the sex was such a good read that slippery Bill got away with it. Nice to know our planet was in such safe hands.
Thursday 21 October 2010
Hawking a Lazy Lout?
He's got the most famous voice in the world and brain as big as a planet but Prof. Stephen Hawking was a lazy div at college. Only did an hour of work a day at Oxford to get his first.
He says:"You were supposed to be brilliant without effort. I'm not proud of this lack of work, I'm just describing my attitude of complete boredom and the feeling that nothing was worth making an effort for." It's a view shared by many a lad in saggy jeans. Maybe the prof is telling a few porkies here. Everyone goes into exams saying they've done no work at all. Only the dipsticks are taken in.
Anyone with half a brain is hoovering it up big-time - granted only the night before - and then planning to dump the lot before it wafts away in a fine mist. The prof put his time in for sure. He's even got a heat source named after him, Hawking radiation, where stars leak energy and fade. Few like that on Strictly.
Only a famous egg-head could claim to do nowt and get on. The rest of us know better.
He says:"You were supposed to be brilliant without effort. I'm not proud of this lack of work, I'm just describing my attitude of complete boredom and the feeling that nothing was worth making an effort for." It's a view shared by many a lad in saggy jeans. Maybe the prof is telling a few porkies here. Everyone goes into exams saying they've done no work at all. Only the dipsticks are taken in.
Anyone with half a brain is hoovering it up big-time - granted only the night before - and then planning to dump the lot before it wafts away in a fine mist. The prof put his time in for sure. He's even got a heat source named after him, Hawking radiation, where stars leak energy and fade. Few like that on Strictly.
Only a famous egg-head could claim to do nowt and get on. The rest of us know better.
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Bit of a Knit Russell
Russell, I love you man, I really do, but what's with the big cardie? Ok, so everyone gets comfy once in a while and those leggings must be murder on the boy bits, not to mention festering serious fungi, so fine, go baggy, but a cardie? Like your gran would wear? We know she raised you, so respect, but no lad, no.
Not sure about the hair either. That wild night on the shag look had a mileage. Still, must move on, have to be prepared to make allowances for one of the cleverest, funniest, definitely quirkiest and probably nicest guys around. Shame about the phone calls - that went splat - but a lad who thinks on his feet is bound to fall flat on his tush now and then.
You say;" I'm a spiritual gent - were it not for my crazed lust for sex and glamour." Well that sloppy cardie's getting you neither. Just as well you've got your happy little hands on Katy Perry because she'll keep you right, she's the lovely lass next door. Your Gran would be proud.
Not sure about the hair either. That wild night on the shag look had a mileage. Still, must move on, have to be prepared to make allowances for one of the cleverest, funniest, definitely quirkiest and probably nicest guys around. Shame about the phone calls - that went splat - but a lad who thinks on his feet is bound to fall flat on his tush now and then.
You say;" I'm a spiritual gent - were it not for my crazed lust for sex and glamour." Well that sloppy cardie's getting you neither. Just as well you've got your happy little hands on Katy Perry because she'll keep you right, she's the lovely lass next door. Your Gran would be proud.
Sunday 17 October 2010
Down South they do it with Lollies
Top of the ten best places to get banjaxed out of your brain - Camden in London. While us Geordies can expect to be shoved into the paddy-wagon with not so much as a "Mind ya heed!" in Camden things are far more genteel.
They hand out lollies not clouts for a start. And biscuits, tea and coffee, squash and water. Up North you need to be bedded down among the Evening Chronicles to come across such largesse. Or down at a blood-donor session. in Camden all that's needed is a few over the odds and they are all over you with the freebies.
Included - get this - flip-flops! For the drunken bints in high heels who keep falling over. What's wrong with bare feet? Worked in my day. Are we getting soft or just soft in the head? Get too many down and you should be getting them all back up again behind the pub, feeling rubbish and hoping you get a taxi not a lift with the law to the local nick.
A night in the cells being woken every thirty minutes is the room service of choice for the over-imbiber in Newcastle. Not coffee and a bickie off some nice posh lady from the local council. Course we do breed them hard up there " where the men are men and the women are men" but in these days of austerity measures perhaps cutting down on the alcopops may be the way to go.
They hand out lollies not clouts for a start. And biscuits, tea and coffee, squash and water. Up North you need to be bedded down among the Evening Chronicles to come across such largesse. Or down at a blood-donor session. in Camden all that's needed is a few over the odds and they are all over you with the freebies.
Included - get this - flip-flops! For the drunken bints in high heels who keep falling over. What's wrong with bare feet? Worked in my day. Are we getting soft or just soft in the head? Get too many down and you should be getting them all back up again behind the pub, feeling rubbish and hoping you get a taxi not a lift with the law to the local nick.
A night in the cells being woken every thirty minutes is the room service of choice for the over-imbiber in Newcastle. Not coffee and a bickie off some nice posh lady from the local council. Course we do breed them hard up there " where the men are men and the women are men" but in these days of austerity measures perhaps cutting down on the alcopops may be the way to go.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Simply The Best
Did you cry then? When they slid out of that hole like toothpaste? Just a little tear pricking at the edge of an eye.No? Must be fibbing. Anyone who watched even one of the amazing rescues yesterday had to be totally awed by the event.
And immensely proud. Of the miners themselves, who survived in the dark for weeks before contact was made. They stayed sane. How? Most of us would have been screaming, raging, or laid catatonic with terror, but they rationed out the tuna, two spoons and a sip of milk every 48hours, and waited for rescue.
They knew attempts would be made, if only to bring out the bodies. What we saw in the end was human achievement at its finest. We were never better. We brought back our own, through ingenuity and hard work. Praise God if you like, say he gave the engineers their skills and the miners their courage. Call it a miracle, no one will take offence.
But look to the people who really did this remarkable thing. At a time when we are all so ready to slag off humanity for wrecking the planet, this is a time to be proud of the best among us.
And immensely proud. Of the miners themselves, who survived in the dark for weeks before contact was made. They stayed sane. How? Most of us would have been screaming, raging, or laid catatonic with terror, but they rationed out the tuna, two spoons and a sip of milk every 48hours, and waited for rescue.
They knew attempts would be made, if only to bring out the bodies. What we saw in the end was human achievement at its finest. We were never better. We brought back our own, through ingenuity and hard work. Praise God if you like, say he gave the engineers their skills and the miners their courage. Call it a miracle, no one will take offence.
But look to the people who really did this remarkable thing. At a time when we are all so ready to slag off humanity for wrecking the planet, this is a time to be proud of the best among us.
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Lotto calling yooooo
One thing's certain - it's not me! That £113m is not lying lost and forlorn, crying out for a happy home in my bank account. It's not me it's calling for, because knowing the odds of winning the lottery are 14m to 1, I gave it a miss from the start.
But somebody out there is a fan. And boy, have they come up trumps big time. As yet though, they are blissfully unaware. Could even be worrying where the next pack of fags is coming from. Or how they will feed the cat.
They may be exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu, as part of their world trip. Or sailing their 500ft yacht off Marbella. Too busy quaffing champagne to check. Could be out of touch on an oil rig. Or down a Bolivian mine. Anywhere but claiming the cash from Camelot. Earing £8,500 a day in interest.
This person is the 589th richest in Britain and has no idea. May be they are even now ripping the sofa apart to find the ticket. Seems they could still claim if they say where they bought it and when. Assuming they get out of intensive care after the heart attack. ..
But somebody out there is a fan. And boy, have they come up trumps big time. As yet though, they are blissfully unaware. Could even be worrying where the next pack of fags is coming from. Or how they will feed the cat.
They may be exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu, as part of their world trip. Or sailing their 500ft yacht off Marbella. Too busy quaffing champagne to check. Could be out of touch on an oil rig. Or down a Bolivian mine. Anywhere but claiming the cash from Camelot. Earing £8,500 a day in interest.
This person is the 589th richest in Britain and has no idea. May be they are even now ripping the sofa apart to find the ticket. Seems they could still claim if they say where they bought it and when. Assuming they get out of intensive care after the heart attack. ..
Sunday 10 October 2010
Depp Disappointment
Johnny darling what are you doing? Turning up at a school? Fantastic for the kids but clearly, totally wasted on them. You are just a nice actor guy dressed up in a lot of weird kit to them. Looking a bit orange, if truth be told. Imagine when they went home and told mum.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Fun Among the Test Tubes
Hamsters, there, smiling already! Is there anything funnier than one on a wheel with a face full of food? They eat till their eyes pop out and then stuff in some more. Delight - wait for the pop!
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Tuesday 5 October 2010
With or Without?
All the pretty boys are at it. Even David Beckham - wearing specs for fun that is. Makes them look just a little bit sweet and vulnerable. Aaaah! As one who would regularly stop fire engines while waiting for a bus I have to ask - why? Who would willingly wear the things if they didn't have to?
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Saturday 2 October 2010
Booze, Books and Laughs
Got the beers, biscuits and pot noodle. Oh, and fridge and the huge tin of toffees. Sorted! That's the boy off to uni then. His needs are few and simple. Take care of the booze and the books can take care of themselves.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
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