Friday 29 April 2011

Kate More Regal Than the Royals

More regal than the Royals! That was Kate Middleton, now a princess and Duchess of Cambridge. Didn't she do well? Absolutely beautiful in exactly the right dress, she sat there straight as a ramrod. Totally poised. She's even managed the royal wave on the way back, that's from the elbow, not the shoulder. Word perfect they were too - no stumbling over names this time, the way Charles did.

Wills was a bit slumped and Harry looked his usual bumbling along self - though his fantastic good humour was a delight. ""She looks lovely!" he told William at the altar as he stole a look back down the aisle. All perfect.

Except for the pantomime dames Beatrice and Eugene. All big bosom in one case and ridiculous hat on the other. Put years on them. Their mum Sarah Ferguson must have had a hand in it. She wasn't there, but their outfits had her stamp all over them. What a shame they didn't listen to Zara Phillips instead. Or Mrs Middleton. She looked spot on as mother of the bride, though at one point the impact of it all really hit her and you could see her wondering; " What has she let herself in for?"

Really, despite being royal it all looked just like any family do - some got it right a few got it wrong, but that's just the way these things go. Good luck to them.

Wednesday 27 April 2011

Olympic Triumph for Brits

Sometimes we Brits want to brag. We do such a good job of beating ourselves up over everything from football to the slave trade that when we get something right, totally spot-on, it feels good to shout about it.

So I am. We have done an amazing job with the Olympics. We've finished an incredibly difficult job with time to spare and under budget. Fact - the price was £496m and we got it done for £486m. Fact - we were due to complete on June 6 and we were done and dusted by March 31, with all the paperwork tied up as well.

No mean feat. The team did a stupendous job, so applause please. Everyone likes to knock, it's our national pastime. We like to see the mighty fallen. It's a peculiarly British trait, you don't see the Americans slagging off their own. Much more likely to say all things Stateside are the biggest and the best.

Now at last we have something to be really proud of. Have you seen the Olympic buildings? The designs are enough to make a dead man gasp and the transformation of the run-down Stratford area will be a legacy for generations. More than all of that, despite the size of the job and the complexity involved, no one died. Not one accidental death. That alone is worth the celebration. So well done everyone on the Olympic Delivery Authority, you're the best.

Monday 25 April 2011

Courage of Downs Syndrome Dad

Downs Syndrome calls for courage and honesty and some people have it in spades. They leave you staggered. Take Tom Bickerby writing in the Times today. His little lad Alex was born recently with Downs. You expect the usual " We will love him for what he is" stuff, and that's there.

But gut-wrenching honesty? Tom says; "I can't imagine ever loving Alex enough to make this future tolerable." He's thinking of disability, abnormality and dependence and it overwhelms him. I know very little about Downs. I know strength and courage when I see it. This is a dad with both and he humbles me.

Sometimes we can't face the truth. Sometimes the reality is not as bad as we perceive it. To look the facts in the face, admit to your feelings of total powerlessness and then still carry on, that takes real guts.

Tom was depressed beyond measure when he was introduced to another Downs Syndrome child. Even while admitting that the boy was sweet, " Friendly, healthy and active," he saw no ray of hope. It's a brave man who can say so. People expect parents in this situation to be saints. Tom knows he isn't. That fact frightens him. He is man enough to admit it. Somehow I think he and Alex will get along just fine.

Sunday 24 April 2011

Fancy Life on Mars?

Fancy life on Mars? Not the telly series, the real thing. How keen would you be? It's a chance to be one of the Hilary's, Armstrongs. or Shackleton's of the new world. A Vasco da Gama or Columbus. Fame for all eternity. The downside is - you die there. On Mars. With a crowd of like-minded lunatics.

That's what science may be offering, a one-way ticket to the red planet. You'd get temperatures of -23C, 668 days of the year and gigantic dust storms that can cover the whole sphere. Awesome.

You'd also never catch a cold, or any other infectious diseases. You might still get cancer, or another untreatable nasty, but there would be a suicide pill for that. Sounds like a dream come true doesn't it? Yet the boffins believe there will be plenty of takers. Astronomer Royal Lord Rees says:" Many could be found who would sacrifice themselves in a glorious historic cause!" He's probably right.

Me, I remember the space-shuttle disasters. Clouds of debris streaking the sky as glowing bits of God knows what plummeted. Much as I fancy a tour of space, and the chance to see Mother Earth from above, I would take the return fare option. Till that happens, they can keep Mars, I'll make do with the hash we've made of this place. thanks.

Friday 15 April 2011

Royal Rollicking

Be warned naughty Royals - you could be writing "I must be better behaved" a hundred times if we follow the lead of Belgium. Their Prince Laurent is in the doghouse. Described as a 47-year-old "enfant terrible" he's been ordered to write a code of conduct for himself, to be read out in Parliament next week.

How embarrassing! Lord knows what he's been up to but it seems the Belgians have had enough and are threatening to cut his £265,000 allowance if he doesn't shape up.

Need a bit of that here. Some Royals presume it's fine to shove photographers, swear loudly and behave badly. They sell business contacts to the highest bidder and swan around at our expense thinking they own the place. They do - a lot of it. Trouble is, most of them are too thick to realise that their privileges are not a right but should be earned. Roll on the republic.

Wednesday 13 April 2011

William and Kate at their Emetic Best

Goody, there's a new, naff royal film coming out and I can't wait! It's described as "emetic." That means it makes you sick to you and me . So what's new? Have you ever seen anything about the royals that didn't send your dinner soaring? From Charlie talking to Dimbleby to Diana's "three in a marriage" disclosures they have all been heavingly awful.

That's why I am all set for a great night in when it hits the TV on April 24. Might even invest in a bottle of red and a box of Maltesers. To set the scene. Get this : "They met by chance and came from different worlds, but against all the odds... live their own fairytale." Now isn't that just fabulous? Doesn't it send a delicious shiver of awfulness down your spine? A Mufasa moment, most definitely

It's going to be tacky. And shallow. Actor Nico Evers-Swindell lets his jaw drop when he sees Kate in that dress. Me too. Dreadful wasn't it? This is going to be the best bit of the whole royal shebang and at last it's possible to look forward to a ripping good time. Keep the street parties and droning dignitaries, I'm rooting for William and Kate The Movie. Might even buy the DVD.

Saturday 9 April 2011

Fuel But No Thought

What kind of fuel am I? A big, blue one with a flashing light. Muppets at the Met can't handle a petrol pump. One in six diesel cars run by the police in London are banjaxed by bozos filling them up with petrol, costing the force £170,000 over two years. That's a lot of coppers.

What sort of boobies are driving these things? They have stickers and warning systems and yet the boys in blue insist on getting it wrong, over and over again. "In fairness they have got a mixed fleet of vehicles and this is a high-pressure job,"said Gavin Hill-Smith, a spokesman for the AA. He's too kind.

How tense are they with their fists on the pump? It's not trigger-finger territory is it? All they have to do is, stop, consider and select. Easy. The Met is not the only one. Twenty nine out of 43 forces in England and Wales reported a total of 20,500 vehicles misfilled, at a cost of £338,800. Staggering. They should be banged up for it.

Friday 8 April 2011

Sadness for Anthony Soh

Many sympathies to the family and friends of Anthony Soh. He had good mates who cared and a family who are now trying to cope with the news of his death.

They will want to piece together the final hours of his life. Some things will never be known but they can all be certain of this - he loved them and he knew they loved him.

People disappear off our streets every day. Some have family who never cease searching, others have no one to mourn them. Anthony was not one of those.

Wednesday 6 April 2011

Church of the Ungodly

God - if he exists - must be rolling his eyes in horror at the ways of his faithful. Still reeling from paedophile priests we now learn that Catholic clergy in Spain are accused of stealing up to 300,000 babies between 1950 and 1990. Jesus! Bit of a bolt from the blue that one. Doctors were the main culprits, pretending the children had died, but the clergy helped them out because they disapproved of under-age or single mothers.

Antonio Barroso was told that a nun had been paid 150,000 pesetas for him. "This became a Mafia business, " says Enrique Vila, a lawyer acting on behalf of families trying to trace relatives. A DNA database has been set up. Things could get worse for the church but it's hard to see how.

Puts the vicar who stole cash to buy food and clothes for the poor into perspective. The Rev Vaughan Leonard of Oldham, thought he had taken about £250 that should have gone to the church from funerals and weddings. An investigation discovered £14,434 missing. That's a lot of socks and sandwiches.

Tuesday 5 April 2011

Kate Bush New Single

Big day for Kate Bush! Releasing her brand-new digital version of Deeper Understanding. Wow! It's Ken's record of the week on Radio 2, so it must be good. Except it isn't. It's dire.

Aside from the fact that a different version is hardly new, it's only available online and a download costs 89p. Save it. This is a song all about turning your computer on and pressing execute. Exciting no? There's someone with a speech defect in the backround, trying to sing with a mouth full of marbles. Or strep throat. Doesn't sound good. None of it does.

Used to like KB. Warbled along to Wuthering Heights. It was weird, but it was fun, especially when she came on telly doing gentle gymnastics in diaphanous frocks. Getting on a bit for that. She has her fans, but give me Taylor Swift any day.

Monday 4 April 2011

Frankie's not Funny

Not that fond of Jordan. Or Katie Price, as she likes to be known. Normally I'd be the last to mention her, since she never shuts up about herself, but Frankie lad, be a big boy and admit that you were bang out of order. Wrong on every count.

That joke about Price needing a man strong enough to protect her from her disabled son"s sexual advances. Yes, that was meant to be funny. You laughing? Me neither. Frankie Boyle has a genius streak for finding comedy anywhere. I love him for it.

Just not there Frankie. You overstepped the mark by about, oh, a light year or so. Not saying you can't poke fun at the disabled though to be fair, they do a better job themselves. Children, no. Blind, disabled children? Never. I think Frankie knows it. He let his grubby gob run away with him again. Channel Four though is standing by him. They are all set to defy the broadcasting regulator.

Why? Chief executive David Abraham says:" The context of that joke was clearly and manifestly satirical." So, everybody happy with that?