Sunday 28 December 2014

Putin The Sex Spy


Someone had a dig at Putin. Nothing major, just a minor poke, but next thing he knows his sex life is on the ten o'clock news. Putin didn't like Viktor Shenderovitch likening his Sochi fandango with the 1936 Nazi Olympics.
So he dug out a  secret sex tape he had handy - as they do in Russia - and aired it on prime time TV.
Well that'll teach him. Sure to be plenty of satirists over there keeping schtuum right now. Who knows who's been planting cameras in their nooks and crannies? Bet Putin's got a stock of films, ready for the next   brave soul who fancies having a go.
Back here though it would liven up the telly no end for us, wouldn't it? Worth stopping up for, I would say. Still, when you've got to have the secret police planting surveillance kit in your critics' bedrooms, chances are you are running a bit scared, wouldn't you say?

Monday 22 December 2014

Bin Me Up Scottie!


Bung me in the bin. I'll write it in my will. Composting a corpse is the new way to go. 
The idea is the brainchild of Katrina Spade of the Urban Death Project who says: "The deceased are folded back into the communities where they have lived as the great potential of our bodies to grow new life is celebrated." Nicely put.
What she means is that the dead are wrapped in linen and dropped into a three-storey high concrete box then topped off with sawdust and woodchips to keep the smell down. After a few weeks relatives can claim a cubic yard of compost, or give it to farms.
It's a great idea. In this age of recycling it's incredible no one has thought of it before.  It frees up our land for the living and helps the grass grow while saving 4 million acres of trees we cut down to make coffins. Count me in.

Sunday 21 December 2014

Slim with Hot Chocolate - Fatty Fantasy


Fatties love a bit of fantasy - imagine waking up slim, no diet necessary. Today the Sunday Times is pedalling such a dream. You go to a posh clinic, drink hot chocolate standing up while a doctor "sculpts" your body to the perfect shape. No pain. You dress and walk away a new woman.
Fabulous. Worth it at any price. Does it sound too good to be true? Maybe. Let's face it, the lipo Brits are used to involves a huge wodge being mined by a brawny surgeon, the business end working away under increasingly bloodied skin as yellow gunk drains out. God it's horrible.
And dangerous. People have died trying this. So hot chocolate and straight back to work? No bruising? It may be happening in New York, where everyone is stick thin and anything bigger than a pimple has them rushing for the knife.
Don't reckon it will catch on here. Our problem is too massive to be managed in a lunch hour.

Monday 15 December 2014

Greedy Penny Market Grab


How happy are those guys who got games for a penny? So thrilled with their bargains they went on Twitter to say Amazon was "broken." Pricing errors  left small companies picking up the costs, which runs to thousands.
How do these people sleep at night? What made them think this was the right thing to do? Just because the system has a glitch allowing you to rip off someone else, doesn't mean you should.
Everybody who bought their 1p items on Friday evening knew that it was a mistake. If a cash point goes wrong and people take free money, they are thieves. I see this in exactly the same way.
They should send the stuff back and then, if they still want it, buy it at the right price. One woman bought an incense burner she had no use for, just because it cost her 1p. 
Many more bought games that should have cost them at least £18. They know what these things are worth and they know it is only possible to produce them if there is a profit there. Just play by the rules, that's all, if you don't want your games supplier to go out of business.

Saturday 13 December 2014

Torture or Death on a Train?


Torture - for or against? Waterboarding or 28 dead on a tube train. Which is it to be?  People held for 11 years without trial, interrogated by the Americans and the Israelis - both no slouches at the job - and nothing gained except worldwide revulsion.
An SAS expert says the only useful information will be garnered in the first 48 hours. After that all plans will be changed, locations re-arranged, so your man in the cells is no longer in the loop.
Yet he may still have massive influence and be a huge danger to innocents.What to do? How about admitting that some people need to be made to talk if lives are to be saved? Some techniques can be seen to work.
But there is a time limit. Hardened souls may not break. You can't let them go. You can't bring them to court if that means revealing information that only a spy still in the camp could have given you. You can't risk them either.
But you can stop the horror. You can keep this person away from the world. He, and increasingly she, will no longer be useful to the bad guys. It's a terrible choice, but to carry on torturing regardless of benefit shames us all.

Wednesday 3 December 2014

Jihadis Find New Use For Teenage Girls


No fan of the burkha me, but even less so now that they are using teenage girls wearing their own shrouds to blow up ordinary people. Old men, little kids, other women, anyone who could make a difference, all are victims when a female fundamentalist gets God into her head.
Nobody is spared. Now 52 women are waiting in the wings, bombs strapped to their bodies, for the order to go out and cause carnage in Nigeria.
They are the hand-maidens of Boko Haram, that terrorising bunch of scumbags who kidnap girls for going to school. They marry them off to their mates, because no one would have them otherwise.
Why waste a wild-eyed jihadi when you can get a girl to do your dirty work? Women are worth less than nothing after all. Just send them out into the crowded streets and there will be fewer mouths to feed. It's beyond tragic.