One thing's certain - it's not me! That £113m is not lying lost and forlorn, crying out for a happy home in my bank account. It's not me it's calling for, because knowing the odds of winning the lottery are 14m to 1, I gave it a miss from the start.
But somebody out there is a fan. And boy, have they come up trumps big time. As yet though, they are blissfully unaware. Could even be worrying where the next pack of fags is coming from. Or how they will feed the cat.
They may be exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu, as part of their world trip. Or sailing their 500ft yacht off Marbella. Too busy quaffing champagne to check. Could be out of touch on an oil rig. Or down a Bolivian mine. Anywhere but claiming the cash from Camelot. Earing £8,500 a day in interest.
This person is the 589th richest in Britain and has no idea. May be they are even now ripping the sofa apart to find the ticket. Seems they could still claim if they say where they bought it and when. Assuming they get out of intensive care after the heart attack. ..
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Depp Disappointment
Johnny darling what are you doing? Turning up at a school? Fantastic for the kids but clearly, totally wasted on them. You are just a nice actor guy dressed up in a lot of weird kit to them. Looking a bit orange, if truth be told. Imagine when they went home and told mum.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Fun Among the Test Tubes
Hamsters, there, smiling already! Is there anything funnier than one on a wheel with a face full of food? They eat till their eyes pop out and then stuff in some more. Delight - wait for the pop!
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
With or Without?
All the pretty boys are at it. Even David Beckham - wearing specs for fun that is. Makes them look just a little bit sweet and vulnerable. Aaaah! As one who would regularly stop fire engines while waiting for a bus I have to ask - why? Who would willingly wear the things if they didn't have to?
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
Booze, Books and Laughs
Got the beers, biscuits and pot noodle. Oh, and fridge and the huge tin of toffees. Sorted! That's the boy off to uni then. His needs are few and simple. Take care of the booze and the books can take care of themselves.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Lovely Lolly for Jamie
Mums" hero Jamie Oliver versus mucky-mouth Gordon Ramsay. One has Michelin stars, the other is minting it. One shouts and bawls on the box, the other weeps bitter tears, but guess who is coining it in? It's Jamie all the way.
While Ramsay lost money in the recession, Oliver saw profits rise to £37m, up from £20m two years ago. Does it for me. Despite the fact that our kids think Jamie has Downs Syndrome he is clearly a very clever operator.
He's also a nice guy. Over in the States he cried when his lovely food went to waste and the school dinner ladies blanked him. Fat, unhealthy kids worry him so he does something about it. Not like the lardy- arses who reckon turkey twizzlers are just fine and dandy.
Setting up his 15 Restaurant staffed by kids on the dole he would get them out of bed and give them a lift to work. Often frustrated and deeply fed-up, he listened and cajoled and turned their lives around. So he's making millions - well who wouldn't bank on Jamie?
While Ramsay lost money in the recession, Oliver saw profits rise to £37m, up from £20m two years ago. Does it for me. Despite the fact that our kids think Jamie has Downs Syndrome he is clearly a very clever operator.
He's also a nice guy. Over in the States he cried when his lovely food went to waste and the school dinner ladies blanked him. Fat, unhealthy kids worry him so he does something about it. Not like the lardy- arses who reckon turkey twizzlers are just fine and dandy.
Setting up his 15 Restaurant staffed by kids on the dole he would get them out of bed and give them a lift to work. Often frustrated and deeply fed-up, he listened and cajoled and turned their lives around. So he's making millions - well who wouldn't bank on Jamie?
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Aliens this way!
So they've got a nice pretty lady from Singapore Airlines to sort out the aliens. Phew that's a relief! Actually she's an astro-physicist from the UN, but they'd snap her up on the planes because she looks so friendly, and really, that's all you want, with aliens.
It's this Take Me To Your Leader thing. Nobody knew who that was, so they trollied out Malaysian Mazlan Othman, and she's obviously made for the job. Can't tell you how happy that makes me! What if they landed here? The dog would go mental for a start, give it a lick and then probably drop dead because it'd be like those Amazonian frogs, covered on poison.
Me, I'd be offering a cup of tea. Is that what they like? Should it really be wine, or beer or even bleach? What about deisel? Cut off a bit of hose and let it suck it out of the truck? Does it even go in that end? Who's to know?
Bit of a minefield. You wouldn't want to get it wrong. Or laugh. Our dog is the closest thing to an alien in this house and even he has his dignity. Hates being laughed at. That I do know, though all else is a closed book. Swear he understands us a much better than we him.
Those aliens will be cleverer than us, having come all this way just on Sat-Nav. They should suss who to speak to before they land but it's sure be a case of: "All our lines are busy at the moment, however we do value your call...."
It's this Take Me To Your Leader thing. Nobody knew who that was, so they trollied out Malaysian Mazlan Othman, and she's obviously made for the job. Can't tell you how happy that makes me! What if they landed here? The dog would go mental for a start, give it a lick and then probably drop dead because it'd be like those Amazonian frogs, covered on poison.
Me, I'd be offering a cup of tea. Is that what they like? Should it really be wine, or beer or even bleach? What about deisel? Cut off a bit of hose and let it suck it out of the truck? Does it even go in that end? Who's to know?
Bit of a minefield. You wouldn't want to get it wrong. Or laugh. Our dog is the closest thing to an alien in this house and even he has his dignity. Hates being laughed at. That I do know, though all else is a closed book. Swear he understands us a much better than we him.
Those aliens will be cleverer than us, having come all this way just on Sat-Nav. They should suss who to speak to before they land but it's sure be a case of: "All our lines are busy at the moment, however we do value your call...."
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