Gordon Ramsay Shares His Pain

How we love our celebs! It's so wonderful when they open their hearts to us. revealing their deepest emotions and bitter tears. We long to share their pain. Gordon Ramsay is hurting now and he's so so sad he wants the world to know.

Hence his letter printed in a newspaper to his Mum-in-law. It's sincerely heartfelt. Not sure it's winning her over though. Saying his wife Tana's dad is a "manipulating, controlling dictator," is hardly lovey-dovey. Sacking the man didn't help.

Getting a private detective to follow dad around and saying that his "away days were rarely what I thought they were," seems a bit sneaky. What was the old boy up to? Surely not something on the side Gordon? We clamour to know.

Shove all this stuff in our faces and well, it's bound to come back and kick you up the assiette. Never going to end well. Ramsay writing : "You've been a fantastic mum, please don't stop, " will have the woman bringing up her breakfast. Can't wait for the next installment.

Great Mates on a Risky Mission

Rats! Is that a shudder? Must be the tails that do it, all naked and pink, with the odd stiff hair. Hardly cute and cuddly.

We spotted them here, so down went the poison. Shoved it into their holes. It makes them a bit drunk and they loved it. Got all sloshed and strolled about. That's when you think:"Aah, look at those lovely, shiny black eyes!" Have to admit a bit of a pang there.

Now the latest is they are saving lives sniffing out explosives. "Detection is the most difficult, dangerous and expensive part of mine action," says Bart Weetjens of the Belgian aid organisation Apopo. " Rats are much more difficult to train than dogs but so far they have helped re-open two million square miles of Mozambique." The rodents get a bit of food as a reward for finding TNT.

Granted these are giant pouched rats, so well up for it, but two million square miles! Respect.

Sam or Vivienne at the Brits?

So they plan to slick up the Brits! What a shame, it just won't be the same. Remember when Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood made such a shambles of it in 1989? Still reckon that was my top telly disaster. It was all just so, so wrong. Everything.

They forgot the names, ignored the cues, said all the wrong things and it was BRILLIANT. Sam was never better. Forget page three, this was her finest hour. She said afterwards that there was a daft bint in the crowd shouting abuse at her the whole time and she had to step off stage to throttle her. Go girl!

We missed that bit - but the rest more than made up for it. Now they want to make it all polished and professional, with a Vivienne Westwood designed award and class acts. Big mistake. It's boring when the smoothies get it right - it's when the stuff hits the fan that we prick up our ears. We love train-crash telly! So don't spoil it.

That's Telling Her!

Good with words is Germaine Greer. Like her style. She once said that Pamela Stephenson Connolly had, "made a little talent go a long way." Ooh does that hit the spot? I think so.

The Strictly hopeful is trying to find her lighter side. She'll have to dig deep. Since turning psychotherapist she's been a bit, well, odd. Talking of entering a " very existential phase." Sounds painful pet, better have a lie down.

Can't help but be a bit hard on Pamela after she accused me of upsetting Billy's first wife. Which I never did. This may be hard to fathom but perhaps she was the problem there. Sometimes these therapists are so busy analysing the rest of us that they are a total mystery to themselves.

Like her reasons for having Botox. "Everyone thought I was frowning at them." Not if you're smiling Pamela! Relax, it's fine to admit it - you're as vain as the rest of us headcases.

Blunt but Sharp

Better whisper this - I actually like James Blunt. Phew that hurt, but hey, it's done, it's out there and I'm not going to take it back. Now I think about it, he's in my Top Ten. Gets easier all the time.

Fact is, the guy is funny. Did you see him on Have I Got News For You? Forgive the weird nylon/faux leather jacket, probably worth a packet but did zero for you James, and the rather red, stuck down hair and the guy was good. Witty. And that scores.

He's got a nice smile, but is not a classic looker. His voice - I've yet to decide, but can't fault anyone who sings You're Beautiful at me. Tend to lap that up, even if, sad to say, it's not personal. Obviously. He makes me laugh. He was great on Top Gear too and he can drive, really, really well. Is that sexy? Reckon so.

Something else. Doesn't seem to take himself too seriously. Right, that's enough of that, where's my invitation to the Palace James?

No Dear, Not Like That!

Would you ever try to play a flute with your bottom? No, me neither, though I still struggle the more conventional way. Only ask because expert musicians have spent months making copies of instruments shown in a 16th century painting, hoping they would play.

Disaster! Though they look lovely the consensus is they're useless:"The racket that comes out is horrible. The trumpet has been coiled so many times it wouldn't play and the harp's strings do not give an octave, says the expert in charge, Andy Lamb. The hurdy-gurdy design is fundamentally flawed with a half-hearted buzzing noise and the lute can't be tuned without collapsing.

The experts at Oxford University were using Bosch's picture The Garden of Earthly Delights as their starting point. It shows hellish cruelty and depravity, which might have been a clue. The flute, which took weeks to make, is stuck into a sinner's bottom. "I can tell you that you can't play a flute like that, " reveals Mr Lamb, but he added " We are pushing the boundaries of music education an inch at a time." Absolutely, but not in that direction.

Does it Do it For You?

Do you wanna be in their gang? Celebs are getting tribal, wearing the right bangle to belong. It shows they can afford £29.99 for a piece of tat that is meant to make them feel great. The money would do it for me. Send me the thirty quid and I'll feel pretty good for you. And you would be helping a poor Billy No Mates into the bargain, so what's not to like?

The ridiculous ways the rich and famous find to squander their dosh never ceases to amaze. This is the latest craze, a rubber wrist band called the Power Balance. Supposed to "resonate and respond to the natural energy flow of the body," improving " balance, strength and flexibility." I tell you now. It doesn't work. Sue me if I'm wrong.

Yet David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kate Middleton are among the more money-than-sense-celebs who are flocking to Harrods and JJB Sports to buy one. It's apparently all about frequencies incorporated into a hologram, low-emitting electro-magnetic stuff. A word beginning with b and ending in s springs to mind.

Spend your money on what you like. Wear what you like. But don't expect the rest of us to think you've made a rational decision because frankly, you're away with the fairies.