Too Posh. No Way Pet

It's weird isn't it? Cameron couldn't care less what he sounds like, but a Tory MP is saying he is too posh. It's putting off his Northern voters. They don't trust a man who sounds too plummy, reckons Nadine Dorries. Have to say you're wrong Pet.

Up in Geordie land we can tell when someone is trying to sound like they hail from Jesmond.The Gosforth glottal stop is nothing like Byker banter. We all know the difference. That's why we have so much affection for Cheryl Cole. Her hard, working class vowels say she's one of us.

We want a bit more from the blokes in charge. We want to know they understand the world of money and big business. That they didn't hail from the chip shop on the corner. Maggie Thatcher may have been a grocer's daughter, but she saw the wisdom of toning down the rough edges. She went a bit too far, but you get the point.

People in charge of our taxes have to sound like they know what's what, even when they don't. We tend to think of posh people as having a bit more education. They sound brainier to some of us Northerners. Not true at all of course, but who wants to vote for an MP who sounds like the local barmaid when you could have someone like the Queen instead? It's crazy world.

Poverty? Tell me about it

I'm mad. Someone else is whinging about the poor. Again. Even if they have been there they still have no idea.Take Caitlin Moran. She talks in The Times today of "push starting the car." She had a car? With petrol? She was also fat. Nobody in my house was fat.

She talks of sleeping on a mattress on the floor. We had beds, but we too had coats on them. This is sounding like a Monty Python sketch - beat me in the poverty parade. Hole in the road for a home etc.

Not going there because some of the stuff I lived through I'm still ashamed of now. Years and years later. Like Caitlin I got out. Unlike her I'm not rich. Never fancied underfloor heating. Wouldn't want to eat at Pizza Express three times a week. I'm not poor either.

Neither of us went to university. We used our brains to get jobs instead, to help the family out. Benefits had to be begged for and mostly they were refused. So we worked. Later on the job gave me a great life, one I could finally brag about. Flying business class to Hong Kong, yes I did that too.

Fact is Caitlin, hand-outs are not the answer. Getting off your arse is and always has been.

Bradley James and Gary Oldman Guys to Watch

Merlin's back but where's the magic? Bradley James has not had his shirt off once. For a boy of fair bod, not normally averse to flashing his pecs, that's a turn for the worse. Nobody's joking except Gawain and he's gone a bit mental. Must be all those screaming skulls whooshing around. Enough to do a head in.

Lancelot took a walk into the great goodnight. Why? Killing the eye candy is never a good idea. How long have I been waiting for him to whisk Guinivere away? Three series? Four? Now she's drowning in tears and hanging on for Arthur. It's all a bit messy and sad and if it doesn't buck up I'll be abandoning my sofa for TV Burp. That's how bad it gets.

For as good as it gets I finally got to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Excellent! Not so many pretty faces. Some seriously ugly ones. Had to imagine them turning up at the casting agents. Were they confusing this with Lord of The Rings? Orks and whatnot? Oscar performance from Gary Oldman as George Smiley. Face to face with the traitor, he managed a nervous twitch under his right eye. Tiny muscles working involuntarily. How did he pull that off? Genius.

Marni Kotak Has her Moment

So pregnant artist Marni Kotak is to bestow upon us her greatest work yet - a film of herself giving birth. She's doing it because: "it's the greatest expression of life, the highest form of art." Well yes, but it ain't pretty.

Having been there three times myself all I can say is," Best of luck Pet" Bless her, it's her first. We all know there is a conspiracy of silence over the whole bloody, mucky business. Incredible and amazing yes, but well, there's the rest...

She's not daunted, having already told the world what a tremendous lover her husband Jason Bell is. He's an artist too. Perhaps a tad attention seeking, no? Always the ones that say the most who are the worst, but no one wants to pee on her parade.

She sat there, all huge and proud, with a birthing pool in the backround and surf music on the speakers. She's even got a giant golden trophy to give herself. Can't fault her optimism. I sincerely hope it goes well for her. We are all on our own with that one, no matter how many birth attendants are at the ready.

Let's hope she's not carted off for a section, yelling blue murder and cursing the sex god who put here there. It might not be art as we know it, but it would be real.

East eats West and Pays the Price

Think of China. What do you see? Beijing bankers hauling us out of debt? Factory workers putting in long hours? Both face the same threat from the West - diabetes.

That's right, the scourge of fatties everywhere. We sent it their way with our fast food and corn syrup. They now have 92 million diabetics. Research shows that if only half got treatment at a third of the price it costs over here, China would still have to spend the equivalent of its defence budget.

It's getting worse too. Another 150 million Chinese are showing signs of pre-diabetes and 13 per cent of Shanghai school children are considered obese.

We worried about their secret weapons but we felled them with fat. Just when we need them most. Now they are rushing to build a medical research plant to produce the drugs they need. We used to joke that the Chinese would eat anything with legs that wasn't a chair. Can't say I find this latest trend all that funny.

Brian Cox Has the Answers

Sexy Brian Cox - let's call him Brain Cox shall we? has just finished a megga scientific book on the structure of the universe only to be told he's probably wrong. Scrap it, Einstein was working on duff information.

Recent experiments show neutrinos traveling faster than light. Bit of a bombshell. Not news to me though. I came across neutrinos way back in primary school. That's subatomic particles, not a new chocolate bar. A kid called Vernon coughed in class and the teacher said, "That was possibly a tiny particle passing right through you, interfering momentarily with your vocal chords." I never forgot it. You don't forget a name like Vernon.

Now it seems billions of neutrinos are passing through my brain at this very second and I am totally unaware of it. The beauty of them is that they, "react only very occasionally with everyday matter, " according to Prof. Cox. He's thrilled there's new data out there on the block. Gives him something to focus his considerable talents on.

Me, I'm all for neutrinos too. I reckon that all of those billions, storming about in there, must bounce off each other, just occasionally. Law of averages. So they are to blame every time I go to the fridge and totally forget what I'm after. Or when I cremate the dog's dinner. Sub-atomic shenanigans, no less.

Downs but So What?

Tom Bickerby in the Times is fed up of having the "Our son Alex has Downs. He is gorgeous and we love him to bits, so thanks, but no thanks, for the sympathy," conversation. He feels like walking on the other side of the road when he sees a lesser-known aquaintance coming. Just in case they give him the long, sad look. Again.

Who wants to keep going over it? So this is what I'd do. Say nowt. Not a thing. These people are not close or they would know already. Let Alex do the talking. Alright, so he's a baby at the moment, and not really up to the challenge.

My guess is, he is. One look says it all. He's sleeping, and he's Downs. He's awake, laughing or crying and he is still Downs. Soon his fantastic, loving, happy personality will be such that yes, they will see he is Downs and never give a damn. No explanation necessary. I've met plenty of people with Downs. My best friend's sister was one.

I'm sure there must be mean, crabby horrible Down's people but I've never met one. Let them speak for themselves. Judge them for what they are, then see if you find them wanting.