This is the funniest thing I have read in ages, so I am sharing it in full, with credits at the end. It is entitled: The Least Successful Attempt To Go To The Lavatory and this is it."On a flight from Florida to Hanover Johann Grzeganek, a German tourist, was desperate to relieve himself shortly after takeoff.
"He could wait no longer, despite the insistence of the cabin crew that he stay seated while the seatbelt sign was on. It was far too late for this, so Grzeganek jumped up from his seat and giving a top drawer performance shouted in German, 'I have to go urgently to the lavatory, otherwise I will go through the roof, I am exploding!"
"Hearing the words 'Ich explodiere," the cabin crew, who spoke no German, assumed he was a suicide bomber and alerted the pilot, who dumped all his fuel and did an emergency landing at Fort Lauderdale.
"There Grzeganek was arrested and imprisoned for 10 months to await trial. When his case eventually came to court the judge dismissed it and apologised to him. Even then his ordeal wasn't over. Rearrested outside the prison because his tourist visa had run out, he was sent back to prison in Miami to await deportation.
"In the hands of a real artist even the simplest, everyday event can be transformed into a surreal drama of many acts." Huge thanks to Stephen Pile writing this in the Sunday Times news review section today. Buy the paper, there's loads more where that came from.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Price of a Pint of Blood - Free Booze
Free booze for blood - sounds good to me. Students in Leeds thought so too and were well up for it until a party pooper pulled the plug. Why? Perhaps they thought the guys would be rollicking out of the door after rolling up their sleeves, but these are seasoned drinkers and a pint of shandy is hardly going to send them over the edge.
They were not out to party. The blood bank can't compete with the student bar, even if one pint is free. They lack atmosphere. You get the odd moment of drama, when a bruiser crashes to the floor at the sight of a needle. It's always the big ones who go down hardest, claiming they've had nothing to eat all day.
Still, they are there, getting no more out of it than cold tea and a warm glow. You used to get a badge if you went often enough. You're O neg? Brilliant, let's have you up next before you change your mind. Just B pos? That'll do, there's bound to be one of your lot in bother before long. Get them young and keep them coming, whatever it takes, so that, come the car crash, there's enough of the precious stuff to do the job. Price of a pint of shandy seems cheap to me.
They were not out to party. The blood bank can't compete with the student bar, even if one pint is free. They lack atmosphere. You get the odd moment of drama, when a bruiser crashes to the floor at the sight of a needle. It's always the big ones who go down hardest, claiming they've had nothing to eat all day.
Still, they are there, getting no more out of it than cold tea and a warm glow. You used to get a badge if you went often enough. You're O neg? Brilliant, let's have you up next before you change your mind. Just B pos? That'll do, there's bound to be one of your lot in bother before long. Get them young and keep them coming, whatever it takes, so that, come the car crash, there's enough of the precious stuff to do the job. Price of a pint of shandy seems cheap to me.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Turner for Brainy Only
Not turned on by the Turner winner? It's because you are dim. Now we know. Only people who have studied art can really appreciate the winner of this year's prize. The references are all there for those, " in the know."
The rest of us cannot possibly be expected to appreciate it. Rachel Campbell-Johnson writing in today's Times says Martin Boyce makes pieces for the, " visual anorak. Boyce is not an artist for the aesthetically illiterate. He is steeped in the language of art and he expects his spectators also to speak it - and fluently."
So if you don't understand it you should pretend and " disguise your baffled ignorance," so you don't seem thick. I'll come clean - it looks like a fancy picnic table to me, though I like the aluminium leaves. Is it worth £25,000? Not of my money, but it's nice enough in its way.
That's it really. I like art to move me, to enhance my everyday humdrum existence, reveal to me a mind that sees something more, something unique and truly special, beyond the experience of the world as we know it. That's asking a lot. I can wait.
The rest of us cannot possibly be expected to appreciate it. Rachel Campbell-Johnson writing in today's Times says Martin Boyce makes pieces for the, " visual anorak. Boyce is not an artist for the aesthetically illiterate. He is steeped in the language of art and he expects his spectators also to speak it - and fluently."
So if you don't understand it you should pretend and " disguise your baffled ignorance," so you don't seem thick. I'll come clean - it looks like a fancy picnic table to me, though I like the aluminium leaves. Is it worth £25,000? Not of my money, but it's nice enough in its way.
That's it really. I like art to move me, to enhance my everyday humdrum existence, reveal to me a mind that sees something more, something unique and truly special, beyond the experience of the world as we know it. That's asking a lot. I can wait.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Gambling in Schools Odds On Loser
Teach our kids how to gamble. Show them how to work a fruit machine, play cards, throw dice. Are they mad? GamCare, a gambling helpline, is behind this. Maybe give it a go then, since they know the score.
They say kids need to learn responsible gambling, to be aware of the odds stacked against them. They should also discuss in class the "more positive " aspects of gambling.
Woah, stop right there. Ever seen a kid hooked on the tombola? I have. They throw money at it, chucking every last penny of their pocket money away. The light goes on in the eyes, they grin like maniacs and no amount of encouragement to go visit the toy stall will put them off. Every loss looks to them like one step closer to winning. It's awesome to watch and incredibly scary too.
Gambling wastes lives and families. There are fathers who will spend their last few pence on a horse, rather than a loaf of bread. My dad was one of them. When he asked me which he should choose I said the horse. What difference? Every other penny had gone that way anyway. Former Schools Inspector Chris Woodhead talks sense. He said: "The best thing schools can do is teach children that the world has more exciting things in it than a flutter on the horses." Spot on.
They say kids need to learn responsible gambling, to be aware of the odds stacked against them. They should also discuss in class the "more positive " aspects of gambling.
Woah, stop right there. Ever seen a kid hooked on the tombola? I have. They throw money at it, chucking every last penny of their pocket money away. The light goes on in the eyes, they grin like maniacs and no amount of encouragement to go visit the toy stall will put them off. Every loss looks to them like one step closer to winning. It's awesome to watch and incredibly scary too.
Gambling wastes lives and families. There are fathers who will spend their last few pence on a horse, rather than a loaf of bread. My dad was one of them. When he asked me which he should choose I said the horse. What difference? Every other penny had gone that way anyway. Former Schools Inspector Chris Woodhead talks sense. He said: "The best thing schools can do is teach children that the world has more exciting things in it than a flutter on the horses." Spot on.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Sins of the Dallying Dad
Unlikely to be feeling the pinch are prossies. In the financial sense. Now the French want to see an end to the good times, banning prostitution in Paris. Oh how we laughed! How likely is that, really? They plan to fine naughty boys two grand and shove them in prison for six months. Can they afford it? The fine won't pay the food bill.
A dad collapsed in shock when the prossie he hired turns out to be his 20-year-old daughter. Titus Ncube is in deep trouble. His daughter scarpered and wife Rosemary said: "If not for my children I could have divorced him long ago."
Tough times, but the girls won't hang up their fishnets any time soon. Could even be a few more of them out there. Pickings might be slim, but there will always be business. The French know this better than most. They had state brothels 800 years ago. We sniffy types pretend it's not happening. Titus knew it was and brought it all the way home. What a clever boy!
A dad collapsed in shock when the prossie he hired turns out to be his 20-year-old daughter. Titus Ncube is in deep trouble. His daughter scarpered and wife Rosemary said: "If not for my children I could have divorced him long ago."
Tough times, but the girls won't hang up their fishnets any time soon. Could even be a few more of them out there. Pickings might be slim, but there will always be business. The French know this better than most. They had state brothels 800 years ago. We sniffy types pretend it's not happening. Titus knew it was and brought it all the way home. What a clever boy!
Monday, 28 November 2011
Celebrities or War? Tough Choice
Total time and money waster this Leveson business. So speaks a hack who has doorstepped a celebrity or two in her time. Let me save them all the trouble. Let's all agree that:
Phone hacking is wrong, though I still don't know how they did it. I have never met a reporter with the techie savvy needed. They had to rely on someone else for that. Had I wanted to I could have got Milly Dowler's number from one of her friends. Or given Joanne Rowling's child a letter to put in her bag for her mum. Easily done.
We all know when a line is crossed. Unless we are sociopaths and not many of those make it into journalism. Celebrity mags are not journalism. They are fantasy, none more so than the headline which put me off a job there. It was " I Was Raped By My Brother The Vicar." Even I could see that was a pile of horse crap, and this from one who shared a page with Freddie Starr's famous hamster.
Interesting to see how this inquiry differs from the Chilcot investigation into the Iraq war. Taken so much more seriously. In Times 2 today they ask: "Is this the end of our obsession with celebrity?" and on the same page is, " I was falsely imprisoned by Boy George." That would be a no then.
Phone hacking is wrong, though I still don't know how they did it. I have never met a reporter with the techie savvy needed. They had to rely on someone else for that. Had I wanted to I could have got Milly Dowler's number from one of her friends. Or given Joanne Rowling's child a letter to put in her bag for her mum. Easily done.
We all know when a line is crossed. Unless we are sociopaths and not many of those make it into journalism. Celebrity mags are not journalism. They are fantasy, none more so than the headline which put me off a job there. It was " I Was Raped By My Brother The Vicar." Even I could see that was a pile of horse crap, and this from one who shared a page with Freddie Starr's famous hamster.
Interesting to see how this inquiry differs from the Chilcot investigation into the Iraq war. Taken so much more seriously. In Times 2 today they ask: "Is this the end of our obsession with celebrity?" and on the same page is, " I was falsely imprisoned by Boy George." That would be a no then.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Irish Taking the Mick?
Happy days are here again. The sun has got his hat on, says the Irish Finance Minister Michael Noonan. Sporting a big grin in Dublin yesterday he said: "We think the euro is a very strong currency," So that's alright then Michael is it, Holy Mother you sure had us worried for a moment there, so you did.
Blarney ? It's not called the luck of the Irish for nothing. They've actually got growth of 1.6% over there, though God alone knows how. Mr Noonan chirrups gleefully that he does not consider the break-up of the Eurozone even a remote possibility.The crisis is over.
Mind you, he does worry a little bit about the riots in the streets of Athens. "We don't want widespread protests. We are not going down that road. We have very co-operative people in Ireland." Are we all talking about the same place here? Where a march has them building barricades? Granted that's their northern neighbours. Still, would you bet your wages on the Irish Finance Minister? Thought not.
Blarney ? It's not called the luck of the Irish for nothing. They've actually got growth of 1.6% over there, though God alone knows how. Mr Noonan chirrups gleefully that he does not consider the break-up of the Eurozone even a remote possibility.The crisis is over.
Mind you, he does worry a little bit about the riots in the streets of Athens. "We don't want widespread protests. We are not going down that road. We have very co-operative people in Ireland." Are we all talking about the same place here? Where a march has them building barricades? Granted that's their northern neighbours. Still, would you bet your wages on the Irish Finance Minister? Thought not.
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