What is it with celebs that they bring some folk out in a hot flush? Have they seen Pete Docherty? Would you like to warm your pizza in his oven? How stoned do you have to be to take a bus tour of Hollywood to stare at a posh garden gate? I'd rather pull out my tonsils with pliers and wear them as earrings.
There's an app you can buy for £1.79 which sends a map to your iPhone detailing where Johnny Depp is having lunch.
Now Johnny does it for me. I would not jump over him to reach Jesus himself. So would I would hot-foot it round there to gawp? Absolutely! Except that the info is three years out of date. Johnny may like to linger, especially if he knows I'm on my way, but even he would not wait that long.
The celeb map might tell you where Elton John is. Or even Davina McCall. Be still, my beating heart! Such Gods are not meant to walk among us! Once shared a lift with Madonna. She was sweating like cheese in the sun too long having just been out for a run. Around Hyde Park, if you're interested. I did not fawn at her feet. Huge star she may be but - well, she glares at anyone ordinary. Very scary. Anyway, I'm saving myself for Johnny.
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