Grizzly likes it Fresh

My, but those Grizzlies are picky eaters! Camper Deb Freele woke to find one snacking on her arm so she played dead and the bear stopped munching. Just what was that bear thinking? "Damn, should've nibbled the ears a bit first. Far too impatient, that's me. Gone right off it now it's dead!"

Must be a lot of hungry Grizzlies about, judging by the size of those teeth. Death looks like a fairly rapid outcome. True some campers stink like a five-day corpse but surely the bear can tell when they are shamming? That's what the experts say though. Can't outrun them, or outclimb them so play dead and they leave you alone.

Maybe bears do it delicately, the way that if you bite the end off an ice cream cone you have to make a rush job of it. Far better to lick lightly at first. Be hard to pay dead with a bear licking lightly around the extremities.

That's the trouble with experts. You just know they've never been there. Bears are getting a break from Stella McCartney who is working on a new fabric for bearskin hats. Needs to be water repellent like the real thing apparently. Or nylon. And those hats! So past their sell-by.

Gorgeous Carla Keeps them waiting

Carla Bruni is making a film with Woody - and the whole French Parliament has to wait to start their hols. What a player! Such chutzpah!

Nicholas Sarkozy is stuck in Paris while Carla wows the cameras so he has told his cabinet they have to work too, fixing a meeting for August 3 so no one can take an early cut.
Has anybody managed anything like that since Helen of Troy? Supermodel Carla could launch a thousand films but in this one she plays a museum curator. Lacking false modesty, she claims Allen said of her: "She has charisma and she's used to being on stage. I could give her any role at all!" But sadly gorgeous Carla had to think of her other engagements, so a cameo it is.

The French politicians will be glad she settled for that. They might have missed their break altogether. Do you think our lot would stay at work for Sam Cameron? Theresa May - or harpie Harman? It's a tough one.

Fruity Does it for Apple

Sexy stories put the zap in Apple. The best seller list for the iPad is loaded with naughty books that readers would be too shy to buy in a store. Is anyone surprised? Only best selling author Carl East from Hull who can't believe his luck. He's been toiling for years over his hot little novels which are usually relegated to the top shelves.

He said in an Amazon post:" I keep pinching myself to see if I am awake and sometimes wonder is this really happening to me?" Seems people like Blonde and Wet, the Complete Story, enough to download it in droves. It's topping the Apple chart.

Who knows what is read on an iPad? Could be the Complete Works of Shakespeare or something even more saucy. The fruity stuff won't do Apple sales any harm at all.

Brave Bombs for Blue Peter Badge

Blue Peter presenters - they never give up do they? Once they get their hands into the papier-mache that's it, sign up to improve the offspring.com.

Take Peter Duncan. Nice guy. He says:"Find some hills or mountains and plan your own trek. I like getting lost with the kids and making it their responsibility to get us home. "Bless him, he was a Chief Scout.

We got lost with the kids once. Ended up on a firing range in Denmark with signs in four languages saying: "DANGER! Do not stray from the path! Unexploded bombs." Highly instructive and educational. Not sure that the whinging kids were best placed to guide us back. Their father came in for some stick since his route got us there in the first place.

"Just around the bend is a McDonalds!" he would claim. The crew worked that one out sharpish and he's not been allowed to forget it. Famous Five adventures are fine but we will stick to the well-worn path.

Ash, ash atishoo!

Someone paid £700 for the ashes of the Coronation Street cat, Frisky. That sort of money buys an awful lot of moggie. What do they do with the ash? Put it on top of the telly so his spirit can return to the rooftops of the nations' favourite soap?

Left my dad's ashes all over the boot of the hire car after the top came off. Still warm they were too. No one tells you how much of this stuff there is . Bigger than a couple of bags of sugar that's for sure and much finer, so it gets everywhere, including up your nose. Sorry dad, just sneezed you all over the rear windscreen.

Disposal is a problem when proper respect is required. St James' Park put a stop to dead fans finding a final resting place on its hallowed turf, seems they ruined the game, so we settled for a scattering over the waters of the Tyne.

With a breeze strong enough to knock a tugboat off track this posed a problem of its own. Many a black outfit was liberally flecked with grey by the end. Put himself about a bit did dad, never more so than on that day, but hopefully his sense of humour lives on.

Mad Mandy - Mum on a Mission

School's out. That'll be my pal Mandy shopping at midnight again. Her kids run her so ragged ar she can't pick up a pint of milk, let alone a novel, before they go to bed. She calls it:"Keeping them stimulated!" We call her Mad Mandy - the mum on a mission.

She's off driving to the beach, zoo, museum, cinema, bowling alley. Followed by the Cordon-Bleu Cookery Course, Oils for Beginners and Teach Yourself Origami.

And the riding, swimming, not to mention maths and music practice. Shot to pieces she is. Come September, she looks like she spent the summer in Helmand. The school run comes as a blessed release.

Me. I'm all for mud pies in the garden followed by a water fight with the hose. The closest we'll get to stimulation will be watching the dog take on next door's cat. Enjoy!

Lazy Stig? Not Likely!

Would the Stig sign up for this? Some say he listens to the BeeGees and sleeps hanging from a tree. Would he ever drive a car that needs no input?

Italian engineers are testing two driverless cars by sending them through Moscow traffic, the sweltering summer heat of Siberia and the perishing cold of the Gobi desert before making Shanghai in October. The techies will act only if there is a problem.

Is this the future? Let's see now, how many men want the wife to take over the driving? Because the girls do a better job. We'll go automatic at least, no need for gears. Oversteer, understeer, apexes, all complete cobblers. Top Gear will be no more.

We could have had this yonks ago, but nobody wants it. Why? Because we all think we are cracking drivers. Give Lewis Hamilton a run for his money. The Stig? Well, maybe not today anyway.