Ian Sets The Dogs On Child Rapists

 Child rape victim Ian McFadyen bears no shame - and that makes today a very happy day. His story makes me feel brilliant. Why? Because he feels able to tell it at all. We have finally come to realise that rape and in particular child rape, is a despicaple, horrific crime that must always carry the steepest penalties.

The victim is never to blame - but for too long we let them feel at fault because this unbelievably dreadfulful thing happened to them. Ian was an 11-year-old screaming in agony as his teacher repeatededly raped him, taking pleasure in his body and most of all his pain.

If I had walked in on such a scene I would happily have brained George Hill with whatever came to hand and taken the consequences. It would have caused me no twinge of conscience to have left him dead. Sorry if that offends you, but I believe we all have a duty to protect vulnerable children.

Ian went on to have a life filled with desperation and trauma, yet a judge could have brought his tormentor to justice ten years ago, but didn't want to rake over old memories. Sod that! What about Ian's memories? Finally  he can now talk of what happened at Caldicott school and not worry that anyone will think worse of him for speaking out. 

His abuser killed himself. Hill couldn't live with the shame. Ian is alive and telling his story today and we are paying attention and seeking out the men who think they can get away with this terrible crime. Hopefully more people will come forward with their evidence. That's what makes today a great day. Thank you Ian.

Dead Boys, A Vicar and Ham

Bad enough the vicar telling little kids there is no Santa  but scaring the Bejaysus out of them? That's something else!

Every year we get one killjoy with the same old tale - there is no Father Christmas, despite billions of pounds worth of evidence to the contrary. It's a drag, but hey ho, we can live with those. 

But Rev Simon Tatton Brown was not content with causing a few tears. Oh no, he wants them screaming in their beds until the bright day dawns too. He told wide-eyed babes that St Nicholas is thought to have raised from the dead three young boys pickled in a barrel by a wicked butcher who was planning to sell them as ham.

Ham! That's Christmas dinner ruined as well then, as well as God knows how many packed lunches! What possessed the man? Scrooge at least kept his ghosts to himself, this idiot is filling infants' heads with images of dead boys dripping vinegar roaming their rooms. These men of the Church have a lot to answer for.

Faker Pulls It Off

He's in jail now. The fake deaf interpreter at Mandela's memorial. Well probably - because they won't let him get away with that, will they? All of those heads of state making speeches and taking selfies amid such incredibly tight security and there he stood and strutted his stuff in front of billions!

That TV footage was beamed all around the world. Nobody batted an eyelid. Deaf people tried to complain, said he was rubbish, but nobody listened. 

How he kept a straight face is beyond my understanding. Even I could see he was saying the same thing over and over. Where did he get the official badge? Did anyone bother to check it? Obama's security men are in for a grilling today. Likewise Cameron's.

The whole event was said to be a security nightmare that the South Africans somehow managed to pull off. Sort of. Nobody got shot but a lot are looking silly today. We'll not see the like of that joker again and that's a shame. Mandela would see the joke.

Loving the Fast Food Strikers

Fast food outlets are making paupers of their staff and idiots of us all. They pay  the lowest possible wages, forcing workers  to rely on food banks and help from the tax payer. 

it's wrong. Anybody can see that. In Britain the minimum wage is £2 higher than it is in the US and the lowest paid struggle. To raise a family you need extra benefits, paid for by the rest of us.

These people are in full-time work. yet they cannot feed themselves, so they went on strike in America. Bravo. Loving it. Their wages have stayed the same while profits have doubled and executives buy yet another private jet.

Prices of fast food are incredibly low. They need to rise. Those who like their products will still buy, even if they have to pay £1.50 for a burger instead of 99p. Yes these are special promotions, but anyone can see who is making up the difference.

The companies say they cannot pay more as this will push up prices and also force them to replace people with technology, so killing off jobs. Seems to me they operate on the minimum staff necessary anyway - and who wants to buy their fries from a vending machine? Somebody still has to cook it. Let's see more strikes and even a boycott of these places until the fat cats decide to play fair.

For Love Or Money?

I thought foster parents loved their kids. That's what put me off doing it - having to part with a child I cared for. Today I am confused, because it seems many kids in care have panic attacks at the thought of turning 18, when they have to leave.

The system says they can go at 16 if they want, but two years later and you are definitely out pal. Many struggle, get involved with crime or end up pregnant.

It's staggering. You've looked after this child for years, given him birthday parties, Christmas presents. Treated her like one of the family. Then the money stops. The state no longer supports. That's it then is it?

No where to call home in the unlikely event they make it to university? A B and B and a hostel for Christmas? Now the Government is helping, saying they will be able to stay put until 21. It has to be a step forward, yet I find the whole thing very disturbing. Was it all about the money then?

Gunning For Tom Daley

Is Tom Daley's news a surprise to anyone? Really? Where were you when he was doing so brilliantly at the Olympics? Girls wept into their rosé at the sound of his lovely voice. 

It was clear to anyone who had a pulse that the beautiful boy was gay. That gorgeous body forever lost to womankind - it took some getting over.We cried our bitter tears, but we moved on. 

Good luck to him in his new relationship. It's a shame he had to go public, because after all, who's business is it? But he has, and he's very happy, so we all wish him well.

Tom is very nice, extremely talented and deserves our admiration and respect. In the world of sport, where far too many gays are still afraid of coming out, he is a fresh, new voice on the side of right. Sponsors should be rushing to his side. Regimes against gays? Boycott them.

Weirdo Albino Needs Booting Out

Anything with Benedict Cumberbatch in it usually flies. This time though it's bashed right into the windscreen. That's The Fifth Estate for you, a gigantic turkey making only $6m at the box office.

Not that Ben's bothered - he'll be off doing other things. Not so Julian Assange, the weirdo albino boxed up at the Ecuadorian Embassy. He's like the uncle who came for Christmas who's still there at Easter, eating everything and offering nothing but his tedious maunderings.

The US has taken pity on the Embassy and put the word out they're not that interested any more. Let the Swedish courts try the  time-waster, after all, their charges of sex crimes makes a few bits banged on the web look like small potatoes. To the rest of us, that is.

Julian could grow old and grey in his diplomatic prison. He can't even go out and buy his own socks. Unless he's already dyed his hair, put on a big scarf and slipped out the back without anybody noticing. Or caring, that much, really.

Myth Of A Caring Cosmos

Do you believe in an active universe? Not that the stars are exploding all over the place as they are, but in the sense that a negativity comes back to haunt you?

Someone I know smiles relentlessly. Even if her dog dies. She thinks that good thoughts will feed the cosmos and bring more good stuff her way. Likewise bad thoughts. 

I'm an optimist. I reckon things usually turn out for the best even if they don't seem so brilliant right now. I look on the bright side. Equally though I reserve the right to cry. People who are cheerful through thick and thin are exhausting and dare I say it, tedious. They are also afraid of life.

However amazing our universe, and the fact that it is so mind-blowing never fails to cheer me up, still it goes it's own way, with or without us. Our emotions have no impact and to believe otherwise is to deny us all our basic human right to be sad.

US Friends - Keep Death From Our Deer

All nature is beautiful but is there anything more perfect than a deer? Now it seems they are all under threat from a deadly disease that is always fatal and has no cure.

Could there be anything more heartbreaking than the wilful slaughter of so many animals, with their delicate limbs, graceful necks and large limpid eyes framed by luxurious lashes? The sight of a herd of deer in a frosty field is instant joy to the heart.

Dirty boots coming in from the US could wipe them all out in a rampage of infection that would leave none standing. The disease can live for ten years in infected plants and is rampant in North America. Tourists walking our woods and meadows and delighting in our scenery bring death in their wake.

So I appeal our American friends - you are welcome, but please wash your boots before you come or better yet, buy new ones. Not too much to ask is it? After all, what price the loss of these lovely creatures? 

Hocus Pocus Remedies or Proven Science?

Science or Kansas hocus pocus - to quote the cartoon Futurama. Which works best? Is it obvious? We have Prince Charles himself championing the cause of homeopathy, where the active ingredient is too miniscule to be measured yet is stil seen as an alternative "medicine."

Makes me want to weep for the long hours spent in labs all over the world seeking cures for our ills, only to have us say, "Thanks, but I wouldn't touch that with a bargepole, I'm going for natural remedies."

Such is the view of Christine, whose unlicensed practitioner told her she has arthritis in her knee. Christine is importing tablets from Ireland via a relative who works in a wholefood shop. That's where she places her trust. Not her doctor - she doesn't know who he is.

She says steroids are a no-no, despite  the fact  that they have saved countless lives, millions of premature babies among them. Let's hope the diagnosisis correct  and that this isn't early bone cancer. Will she turn to the tried and tested treatments then? What do you think?

Kids Sitting Ducks On The Internet

I would have loved chatrooms as a kid. Stuck in a damp council house, with family and money problems, they would have seemed like an exciting window on a better world. 

My teenagers know different. At school my daughter was lectured about online abusers who groom lonely girls and boys into performing sex acts and then threaten to reveal all on the www. Kids have killed themselves out of shame.

My girl was told the truth - putting this stuff up only leads to the abuser being caught, they cannot hide behind the internet because everybody leaves a footprint that can be followed by the police. And the law is getting better at it.

Our lives were so much simpler. Those sh**bags had to get through the door to reach you at home. Now they are everywhere. Let's hope this is one lesson the kids are listening to, because it's the most important of them all.

Dogs Are Dangerous - Fact

I love dogs - but who's to blame when one attacks a little girl? No one wants to judge in a tragedy. There is too much pain for a family mourning a child today. No one wants to point the finger. But questions do need to be answered, otherwise this will happen again. So, I ask them: who decided a Bull Mastiff was a suitable pet for a family with young children? Who decided the dog was safe despite the abuse it had suffered elsewhere? Who thought a flat was a good place to keep such a large animal?

This dog was much bigger than the child playing with it. Even a gentle dog can do damage without meaning to and this one was the size of an ox. Little kids irritate dogs - fact. Keep them apart, or watch them at all times. Easy to say, harder to do and  this dog was considered safe. I love dogs, but  they are never entirely safe. My heart goes out to this family today and the mother who stabbed the family pet to try to save her daughter. Her suffering is unimaginable. Someone needs to answer those questions and the lessons must be learned if such a tragedy is not to be repeated.

Annie's Song - So Not John Denver

Poor old Anne Boleyn - she wasn't lucky, was she? Caught bad boy Henry V111, lost her heart and her head. They wrote a  song about her and now it's down to some London schoolkids to make it sound good at the Lord Mayor's parade on Saturday.

Good luck to them too. A more tedious piece of Tudor tripe has yet to be written. The first six lines keep repeating themselves and it goes downhill from there. The tune may save it - but probably not, if it's typical of the time.

Went to a Tudor concert once and let's just say it lacked oomph and verve. Not much of the Beyonce about it. Didn't set the place alight.They've edited the original version by one Nick Udall, 1533, because it went on a bit. That was probably a good idea. 

If any of those kids think this is their entry to the X Factor it may be best for them to think again. Simon's not rushing to record this one.

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Deadly Justice For the Rhino Robbers

Boy are those horny Chinese in for a shock! For centuries they have looked at rhinos and thought; "Bruiser of a beast, big balls, I'm having a bit of that," and promptly nicked their horns.

They happily convinced themselves that a rhino horn was just the job for their flagging sex lives. Never mind that it couldn't possibly work, or that the animals suffered and died and now risk extinction. It was all worth it for a far-eastern stiffie.

Now though the risk has swung the other way. Anyone touching or taking rhino horn is likely to end up a stiff themselves, dead as the dumb creatures they exploited. The horns have been injected with deadly poison, harmless to the rhino, but a horrible, painful end to the poachers and partakers.

So that should be rhino horn off the menu for good. The ignorant will have to find something else. They could chew their own fingernails -  made of exactly the same stuff as horn. Well done the game reserve managers who took this step as a last resort. It is, for the rhino. 

ComicCon Weirdly Wonderful

ComicCon is huge -  and totally weird! Tried it this weekend at Excel in London. Couple of impressions: what's with the free hugs guys? Why are so many needy types wandering around with scrappy carboard messages saying: "Free hugs." 

Let's be honest here - most of them are not that attractive. They seem, well, needy. The hugs are for them, rather than by them. So wanting those hugs and, from what I saw, not getting them.

Save your pride people and don't bother next time! Other than that, the costumes were incredible! So much work went into them, so many people managed to surprise and amaze by what they could pull together in a witty way. Loved all the Assassins, Dr Octopus, Pyramid Head and Master Chief with a chef's hat. Master stroke! Not forgetting our own Rorschach, the tall one, in the long coat. Good look.

It was fun even if it was a fabulous exercise in making thousands of people part with their money.That being the whole point.

Mind Your Manners Will and Kate

Funny bunch the Royals - but even weirder are the folk who camp out for nights on end just for a glimpse of them. How the Cambridges must have laughed to see such a bunch outside the Chapel where George was Christened this week.

They didn't wave. Just becasue you have a Union Jack suit on doesn't make you one of them. No sir. They don't even see you. One guy spent eight nights out waiting for this baby to be born. Just as well it was July.

The service was private, so no press, no public, just about fifty godparents with billions in the bank. The 100 or so staunch royalists who waited so long for a glimpse  - a smile in their direction would have done - were deeply disappointed. 

William and Kate should take note. These are the people who keep them in privelege. If George is to have a kingdom to rule they had better show a  little bit of kindness, and yes, good manners. They cost nothing.

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Johnny Depp And This Vale of Tears

Johnny Depp's gone blond! So it's not Syria, or the debt crisis, but it's a tragedy all the same! In a world of turmoil and upheaval one constant remained - Johnny Depp was drop dead gorgeous.

Prime ministers could mess it up. Presidents take us to the brink of disaster but there was always Johnny, forever beautiful to feast our eyes on. Now he has been on the peroxide like a cheap tart on Tyneside and my heart is broken.

 Is there no constancy in this firmamenr? No lode star to guide our way? We look to Mr Depp for permanence in a wobbly world, because he is and always has been, buff. Winds could blow, bubbles burst, but Johnny, like good chocolate, would always feed our fantasy.

Disappointed comes no where near. Update your look if you have to Johnny - really there's no need, we love you as you are - but blond! For our Geronimo? It doesn't work Johnnie.  Stay blond if you must, though it fills our souls with sadness, but if you have one shred of affection for the many who weep, change it back, there's a good lad.

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Sharon Slobbers On X Factor

Has Sharon Osbourne lost the plot? Is she in the middle of a second childhood? Only ask because her performance on the XFactor last night resembled something oit of a madhouse.

It was excruciating! While poor Shelley Smith stood awaiting her fate, Sharon threw herself on Louis Walsh, shoving wet kisses all over his face, pleading and begging for his casting vote. It was all " Louis, Louis, please Louis. I'll do anything! " It was get that bolt gun and shoot me now stuff, it was that bad.

What is the matter with the woman? The last row was about her calling a female dancer a paedophile and before the  slurp face-fest she called Abi Alton Abi Dabi. Why?

Sharon used to be feisty and smart. Now she acts more like an old bat who needs to be fed her dinner and is wearing a bib in case she dribbles. Not good. Sharon may be doing this deliberately, believing it plays to the audience, but no. Wrong call, Sharon, wrong call.

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Not Sexist Just Selfish

Bit of a bear pit at the best of times - that's the House of Commons. Just watch them tear shreds off each other at Question Time. Daniel's lions were pussy cats compared to this baying mob.

Showing your soft underbelly is suicide. So it's understandable that seven months pregnant Jo Swinson preferred not to showcase hers. She stood through the whole of the session, saying she was happier that way. It would after all, have been "sexist"  for someone to offer her a seat. 

Daft lass - she's just scared. After all, they don't like women in there and tolerate them only because they look bad if they don't. Giving up one's seat for one? Not done old chap, if they can't take the heat.. etc.

So Jo stood and said nothing. Well I've been seven months pregnant three times and I think she should have prodded the nearest member and told him to stand, pronto. Pointed out the facts of life. Not sexist - selfish to the core, the lot of them. They should all be ashamed of themselves.

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Pills or a Jog? No Choice really

Taking a woof for a walk always lifts the spirits. I've got two dogs right now, double the work and dirt but a good antidote for depression, so they say. I don't doubt it.

Doctors are told to stop pushing pills and suggest a good brisk walk instead. Got to save the NHS millions. Add a dog and the job's done.

Except it isn't, is it? I've never had depression, but I have lived alone and there were weekends when I spoke to no one. A walk through the woods was a no go. Coffee toute seule? Forget it. Never needed pills. I had a busy job to go to on Mondays.

Other people survive for weeks like that. They get very down. Bad things happen. Depression slips through the letter box with the bills. It takes them all their time just to get to the doctor's, never mind a brisk stroll around the park admiring the daffodils. So let's not save too much cash this way. The price for some people is just too high.

Marilyn Monroe RIP - No Chance

What a weird lot we are! Think Marilyn Monroe and what comes to mind? Not her pretty face I bet. She's been called all sorts of a heffalump and since she's dead, who cares?

Size 10 to 16, all the same to me. What I find shocking is that it wasn't enough for men to oggle her from the outide, they wanted to see right through to the inside as well.

A set of three chest X rays sold for $45,000. Someone wanted it all. They had to have her bones, her lungs, her heart itself. What do they do with them - hang them in the loo? Maybe lads with their mags find them a turn on, God help them.

Now we discover she may have had an implant in her chin that began to dissolve. Lovely. All I can say is, back off pervs who want a piece of her! She died aged only 36, a sad, often angry woman who knew she was seen as a commodity. And with a waist measurement of only 22 inches, Marilyn was no more than a size10. Just for the record.

Bonkers Blokes Need Needle Boost

How has this happened? Guys are getting IV drips just to cope with their busy lives. One bloke was so rushed he had his drip set up in the airport lounge. We are turning ourselves into needy patients desperate for nursey.

Lord, Botox seemed a step too far once. All of those needles injecting poison. Now it's regular IVs or we cease to function at all. Costing up to £600 a go, every fortnight, it's a nice little earner for the private clinics. 

Yes IVs do work. Party-fagged junior doctors have been known to set themselves up with a saline drip to get through the next 18 hour shift. It's the rehydration that does it, quickest way to replace lost fluid and salts. So they feel better fast.

Why the rest of us? We shouldn't need it, but bonkers blokes are getting the needle and swearing by the benefits. It's invasive, probably useless mind-bogglingly silly and the crutch of the terminally stupid. Wise up guys!

Can We Shut Out The Gunmen?

Shopping centres are getting nervy about attacks. They fear another  Nairobi, with good reason. The police have admitted their estimate of the number of guns held illegally in Britain is likely to be far short of reality.

So shoppers face random bag searches. That'll fix it then. We all know the terrorists hid their weapons in Matalan bags! All this will do is make more of us shop online. The malls are struggling as it is, stop and search will only drive us away.

What about cameras trained permanently on entrances, always making sure they are manned? At least that way the baddies would be spotted quickly. 

Then we should all get used to regular alarms, when shop doors will close automatically for five minutes. Anyone outside could go in when the alarm sounds. Those inside have five more minutes to hang around - and maybe buy something. Any problems and the doors stay shut.

That way you would limit exposure. Gangs of gunmen would not be able to roam. It would be a bore at first, but we would probably get used to it. It's an idea - what do you think?

Kenya Killings End All Hope

Yesterday we saw their blood. Today we see their faces, a happy couple, thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents in only two weeks time. They died with their baby, massacred along with at least one other pregnant mother, a gaggle of toddlers and so many more unarmed men and woman. At least 62 of them.

Your heart breaks for them all. Despair fills your soul. Then comes anger. What are these bone-headed terrorists actually hoping for? As they sit there, surrounded by death, do they think: " Well that showed them! They know what we can do now!"

We do. But why? What do they want. Support? No chance. Respect? Never. Fear? Well they got that, but then comes a compulsion to root them out, all of them, with their fundamentalist beliefs that leave no room for any kind of freedom.  

Most religions seek followers. They offer a path to enlightenment. Just what are this lot offering? 

Islam And Jesus Walk Hand In Hand

Can a Muslim be saintly? That's the only word that properly describes the husband and father who lost his wife and three children in an arson attack in London. This devoted and caring man refuses to blame. Instead he has pledged the rest of his life to helping others.

He's made a good start. As a neurosurgeon, specialising in children's illnesses, Muhammad Taufiq Al Sattar, is doing more than most. He worked in Dublin, getting back to his wife Shehnila and kids Zainab, 19, Bilal,17 and Jamil 15, three weekends out of four.

 He would have been there the night thugs turned his family home in Leicester into an inferno. Work kept him away. Bereft but unbowed, he refuses to be angry: "We are not supposed to be," he says, believing that his escape is due to God's will.

Dr Al Sattar looks like a religious man, an image that makes many of us nervy. We identify those bearded men as possible terrorists. We despise women who hide behind the veil and the men who make them.

But this doctor is showing us another side of Islam, one that gets overlooked in these deeply troubled times. All religions could learn from him, because a man more like Jesus never walked this earth.

 Dave's been caught napping again. Laid out on his sister-in-law's bed. Face ruddy, feet bare, he looks worn out, poor man. Still, who thought it was a good idea to make such a picture public? Had to be somebody close to him.

Same with the snap of the Prime Minister struggling to get out of his cossie under a Mickey Mouse towel. It made him look like a man of the people, but he could have done without it. We never see Ed that way. His brother David once got papped with a banana in his mouth. Never managed to live it down and it probably cost him the leadership contest. 

Ed learned that lesson well, but with his other popularity failings it's unlikely to help him much.

Weird how close friends and family can be so quick to show the world the relaxed side of celebrity - though nobody could have passed up the bare butt Prince Harry opportunity. With friends like these though ...

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Give Kids Like Daniel The Dinners

Are we for or against free school meals for little kids? Plenty of people are saying it's too expensive and the £600m would be better spent elsewhere. I give them one good reason why they are wrong - Daniel Pelka.

I find it impossible to forget the dreadful details of his death, but for those who already have, four-year-old Daniel was beaten, almost drowned, imprisoned in a filthy room and fed salt by his mother and her boyfriend. He died of massive head injuries.

But most of all he was starved. When he stole food at school his mother said he had an eating disorder and should be stopped. This, despite the fact that he weighed about one and a half stones when he died. How stupid were those teachers to believe her?

The fact is that if Daniel could have been guaranteed one decent meal a day, five days a week, he may have survived long enough for someone to help him. Not a certainty by any means, seeing as police were called to his house 26 times to deal with domestic violence and never thought to find out if children were at risk.

So give these little ones the food. After all, we were spending money on social workers and other professionals and a fat lot of good that did little Daniel. Not one bothered to talk to him. A free school meal for a chance of life - well worth the price I'd say.

Keep Kids Clued Up About Their Cancer Risk

Just as they are about to do their SATS kids will have a new test - for ovarian cancer. To settle their minds. So they know that, in the future, say when they are 40, they have a high chance of getting a disease known as the silent killer.

It's a test that will cost millions, but hey, money well spent! What sort of topsy turvey thinking is this? Why would any child just about to hit puberty want to be told that they have a high risk of developing cancer?Is life not tough enough without that?

Yet Dr Sue Gessler, a psychologist at UCL Hospitals says early testing would help women," to live with the uncertainty," adding, " If you test a girl before puberty it will let the child know, at whatever level they understand, that this is something that will happen to them in later life."

I'm sure that child will be immensely grateful to the likes of Dr Gessler, just as I was when I discovered at 14 that I had no need of the BCG vaccination as I had been exposed to TB in the past. I was sure I was going to die, probably within a week.

Was the information helpful? No, it was traumatic, and it all came down to bad communication. Think how this revelation of ovarian cancer would affect a ten-year-old, where the certainty is much more real, and you are talking of a crackpot idea at best, cruelty at worst with the risk of lifelong harm. You know what Dr Gessler ? - we don't want to know!

Jews Anger AT May's Badgers

Some Jewish people are upset with Brian May today because he used the word genocide in relation to the killing of badgers. They think the word belongs to them.

The Oxford dictionary defines genocide as "The annihilation of a race." May could have substituted race for species to support his argument, though genocide usually applies to people. The Jews say genocide refers to the Halocaust, and the murder of six million Jews.

They are right, it does. They find it offensive when used about badgers. The Jews have a terrible, traumatic, past. History has taught them to be wary of the rest of us, with very good reason.

But when they take offence at this sort of thing, or when they lambast Richard Dawkin for criticising the God of the Old Testament, saying that in doing so he is having a go at them, they are getting above themselves, by anyone's definition.

Cost A Lot Online

I so love the woman in the post office I've been traipsing round there twice today. She is so friendly and was wearing the most gorgeous top. Which I complimented her on. Made her blush actually.

It's not that I fancy her or anything! God no, I just found myself in there, returning stuff. That's online shopping for you. Time saved at the screen is wasted in the queue. Cash too. I've spent nearly a tenner sending two tops back, hence my interest in hers.

One was a present. Deep, warm, glowing, claret, oddly unusual bobbly texture, but massive and granny. I'll do any look but granny. The other was a Ghost designer thing, cut too low even for me and weird sleeves you can't push up. That's granny too then. It went.

Seems a bit much to have to pay postage twice, once to get it and again to send it back. We can't see exactly what it's like on a screen. Can't they take some of the blame for getting it wrong?

If you like the way I write you will enjoy my book, Devil Deal by Liz Freeman on Kindle or Kindle app for £1.53 or $2.99.  It's a sexy, suspense novel set in my native northern England where humour and hard times go hand in hand. There's travel there too, from Vegas to Italy and beyond. Give it a go and tell me what you think!

Nasty Biters

"Tis the season of nits and general fleabyness." The poet had other ideas, but come September we all know  - they're back! The yellow letters from schools, " There's been an outbreak in your child's class , etc"

Not your child. Never that, though the poor mite hasn't seen a brush for six weeks and hair washing has been sporadic at best.The  lice have landed and chemists are doing a roaring trade in lotions and fine-tooth combs.

Then there's the dog. My son was hours old when I spotted a flea on him. In the hospital. Carted in by me the night before from our new flat, recently vacated by a large and very grumpy labrador.

The midwife visited  and shared the front step with a spaceman, kitted out in white suit, helmet and a tank on his back. Fumigating took hours and we all sat in the garden watching a flypast to commemorate the outbreak of war in September 1939.

We battled those beasties three times with our White Knight who told us he would be black from ankle to knee when dealing with really bad cases. Ours was a walk in the park, he said. Not to us. I wouldn't let my friend past the door in case she got bitten to death. She thought I'd gone off her. Sorry Edwina, it was those horrible, horrible fleas! Forgive me?

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Terror? Bring It On

Would you wish terror on someone? Terrorise them? I would. Take the rapist who collapsed when he discovered his victim has AIDS. He knew she was ill, but not what with. It could have been cancer, or kidney disease. Fine as far as he was concerned. So I'm glad he is now terrified.

What about Ariel Castro, the abductor of three young girls who hanged himself in jail?He was looking at life plus 1,000 years. That scared him, so he killed himself. Chances are that his last moments were pretty terrifying, especially if he believed he was about to meet his maker. Good.

I hope Stalin was terrified before he died, along with Hitler, PolPot and all like them. Even a few seconds of screaming, sweating terror can feel like a lifetime. With luck, Assad will be terrified when he meets his end, hopefully sometime soon.

If he wonders what that would be like, little children in Syria can tell him.They suffer that terror every minute of their waking lives. It should be visited on him and his murderous family, 100,000 times over. 

Forest Schools Full Of Whinge and Wonder

As someone who never saw a squirrel until she was 19, walking down a leafy lane is never taken for granted. Now kids from my neck of the woods will be up to their necks in the woods and I applaud it.

They will spend two days a week getting scruffy with nature. I was born on Tyneside and my two mile walk to school was pavement only, with a few, straggly, privet hedges the only green I saw along the way.

Forest schools, big in Denmark, are now coming to Benwell, one of the poorest parts of Newcastle. Memory suggests they may have to bus the 4 to 11-year-olds to the woods. Once there, they will spend six hours, two days a week, climbing trees, chucking feathers about and messing with leaves and twigs. The rest of the time they must learn other stuff in ordinary classrooms.

For the average whinging four-year-old, with frozen hands and chapped cheeks, six hours may be too long. It would have been for me. The winds blow hard and rain falls horizontal on Tyneside. Spring comes late. Still, I would have seen a rabbit, other than the one kept in a hutch at the bottom of our council house garden. And an acorn. A fircone. Or singing silver birch. So bring it on and let them whinge.

Life on Tyneside takes an unusual turn in my book Devil Deal, by Liz Freeman, on Kindle or with the free Kindle app. Geordie humour, topped off with sex and suspense , it's getting good reviews and is priced at £1.53. 

Face Fix Is A Doggie Look

How Not to Get Old is a Channel 4 programme. Not being born is one way - who'd willingly choose the other? So, the idea is to sell the gullible dubious treatments for silly money.

Take the guy who paid £1,000 to have his face frozen. He got £600 worth of moisturiser, but at Boots you'd need a truck to take that lot away. He had a small box.

Then the poor woman with no teeth. Nice enough face, except they kept telling her it was hollow. It wasn't. She ended up with a fantastic smile and two tennis balls in her cheeks. She looked like my Staffie Marley when he's being greedy with his toys. It's not a great look on him, it was horrific on her. And if they slip...

I can understand why she went in for it and the teeth were amazing. It's just that these beauty types never know when to stop, do they?

Safe Sex For Swiss

Got to admire the Swiss. All those pristine streets, fancy watches, holey cheese and cute cuckoo clocks. And those sexy little knives. Quite a legacy, all told. Then there's the money of course, they have lots of that.

They are also wonderfully pragmatic about the seamy side of life. What shall we do with the street sex? Shove it all in a coloured box. Let the punters drive by, see what takes their fancy, then cruise in. Install showers for the girls, because the Swiss are, above all else, clean.

It's the new solution to prostitution in Zurich, where the £1.74m  scheme is is popular with residents. The booths look like the sort of thing you see at outdoor pools. Customers drive in and have sex in their cars. There's even a panic button on the passenger side.

Sounds good to me. Anything that makes life safer for sex workers is welcome. If you can't beat it, deal with it. So Swiss. so sensible.

Get Your Mum To Choose Your Girl Louis Smith

Stay out of a young man's sex life. It's a good rule, but one I'm prepared to break for beautiful, sexy athlete Louis Smith. He of Olympic and Strictly fame. A man of many parts and all of them gorgeous.
He wants a wife. Here's my advice - get your mum to choose for you. That sounds weird to me too, but hold on. Louis is a lovely bloke, whose body had even old hack John Snow on Channel 4 News drooling. Completely flummoxed by so much male beauty Snow was lost for words. Fabulously funny.
Louis is a simple soul who is grateful for his gifts and visits schools to tell other kids that a poor start in a one-parent family need not hold you back. Listening to his mum, who told him: " Be sensible. Get a roof over your head," he bought himself a house instead of a Ferrari. He's 24 now and wants the next woman in his life to be the one who gives him the family he craves.
So get your mum to choose for you Louis. Let her vet 'em and eject 'em until she finds one she is happy with and you will be happy too. It's not advice I would give to my son, but for you, it's the best.  She already gets your bathroom products for you, let her get you a babe too and you won't be disappointed. Sometimes mum's really do know best.

Talk About The Trolls

Hannah Smith should be out enjoying her summer holidays today. Instead she is known globally as the girl who hanged herself after reading horrible stuff online. Now the plan is to name and shame her attackers.
What if they are 15-year-old girls too, terrified of being exposed as the bullies they are? What about the site itself, should that be shut down? What about the trolls who targetted the Facebook page Hannah's grieving family put up, egging each other on  to post the most hateful remarks?
As parents we have to get a handle on this. Some of the trolls say it was this teenager's own fault if she allowed herself to be harmed by remarks made by total strangers. She was vulnerable. Millions are. Even the trolls, I suspect.
We have to convince our kids that the nastiness on the web is a fact of life. Switch off, shut down and talk to your family and friends. This virtual world harms in a very real way. It cuts deep. Not every child is strong enough to block it out. We need to talk to our kids. If this stuff is in their lives then we need to act, now, well before they do.

Only Thickos Have Kids

Clever women, really clever women, don't have kids. Educated out of the breeding programme, they are far too bright to face the drudgery of raising the next generation.
So says The Times this week. It's a common theme. I usually ignore it. Being a mum of three myself, it's a bit like religion or politics. You are never going to convince the other lot, so don't bother.
It's the claim that only thickos and council house chavs breed that got me thinking. How clever is it to leave the survival of the species to them? After all, at brass tacks level we are but a mass of cells with one need - to replicate ourselves.
If the clever ones don't do it where will that leave us? I read that intelligence is passed on the X chromosome. Men, being XY, must get their X from their mothers, with XX. Girls get double bubble.
Women can have kids or not, it's all the same to me. Have the great job, buy the swanky shoes, travel first class and lie in till 3pm. I've done that. Enjoyed it. I've also got three fantastic kids, all clever, including two girls, and if they ever ask me, which they won't, I know which lifestyle I prefer.

Rich But Want More - Have Ours Too

As whiskery Lord Sugar would say: " Wot wuz you finking of !"George Osborne is just the sort of posh prat Sugar berates on The Apprentice. Shame he's also running the country.
This scheme to give two working parents earning  up to £150,000 between them an extra £1,200 is beyond bonkers. It's criminal. Familes on £20,000 with only one earner will not qualify for the child care benefit. So my pal Tracey, wanting to get back into education after having her first child at 18, will get sweet FA, despite her husband Ben working all the hours God sends as a builder.
That's their real names and I take my hat off to them because they don't owe anyone anything, rent their home and can't get a mortgage because they have no credit history. They pay cash. If they haven't got it, they don't spend it.
Contrast that with the £75,000 a year types with their flash cars and expensive properties. They are knee deep in debt, so yes, they are glad to get even more, thankfully from the rest of us. Helps keep little Hugo in his posh Kensington nursery.
This Government talks about helping the strivers but in reality they help themselves. Ordinary people are being chased by the taxman while billionaires pay peanuts. Lost the plot but we can't fire them - yet.

Fight To Keep Kids From Evil Parents

Fancied writing something funny but then little Daniel's suffering came to light and that was that. Plenty of worthy experts have had their say. A children's services' sort said on radio that the number of children dying at the hands of their parents is stable at around  50 to 70 a year. Phew, thank heavens for that, all under control then.

This four-year-old was clearly starving, eating rubbish from bins and with clothes that hung off him. Yet his evil mother convinced professionals that he had a compulsive eating disorder so teachers locked food away from him.
 He was tortured, beaten and regularly drowned to the point of unconciousness. He was covered in bruises and nobody thought to see how his broken arm was caused - or if it healed.

I'm just a mum of three, but this is what I think. Worried teachers should not just pass concerns on. They should keep that child in a place of safety ie school, and refuse to allow him to leave until the police, the social services and a doctor call all confirm, right there and then, that that child is not being harmed at home. One look at him should tell them all they need to know.
Nick Clegg says information is not reaching the right people, facts are falling through the cracks. Not good enough. I would risk a charge of holding a child without the parents' consent if I felt that to let him go home is to sentence him to death. Too many people thought someone else would do something. Time for each of us to act according to our own consciences and risk the wrath of others. Otherwise we leave tiny boys to face that wrath alone.