First footing this New Year?

First footin' Do they still do that up North? Had to be a tall, dark man first through the door on January 1. He'd fetch coal, salt and sugar, supposed to symbolise warmth, preservative and sweetness for the coming year. Course it all led to bother all round. Not always enough tall, dark blokes for a start. Are there ever? In extremis a dark woman would do, though always considered a very poor second best.

Some old bods would not leave the house without their first foot. Scared witless of bad luck they'd wait for the knock at the door, but by January 5 even a ginger kid would do, just so as old Mrs Buggins could cross the threshold and get a pint of milk. So you'd be sent round there sharpish to release the poor soul.

Superstition has a lot to answer for.
There was plenty of free booze though. You could pile into anybody's place and get stuck in, strangers welcome. There was a lot of Asti and that dreadful, thick, yellow stuff, advocaat was it? Hideous, along with Cherry B and Babycham, but they did the job.Those days, up North, you needed something to blur the outlines.

North Pole News

GAWD I'm glad that's over! Done and dusted for another year. The old man's sleeping it off, snored all the way back. Be all that brandy, bit less than last year, must be the credit crunch. Still, he made the most of it. That Donna's got a mouth on her, not one crumb for yours truly! Old Vixen on form, cussing at the back. She never puts the time in, so what can she expect? Had to hit the hay the minute we got back. Prancer a bit skittish, but he soon settled down.

The old man's a sight to see, says he's taken up parkour. Time was when we called it slippin' n sliding' over the rooftops, but he likes to stay on trend. Launching about like a spring lamb! Had to keep the sleigh handy, just in case, but he's pretty nippy for an old fella. Singing his heart out he was, while the booze kicked in. All very Christmassy, 'specially with my red nose, right out in front. Says he's going to try the new satnav next year but it's just idle jest, he couldn't do it without me. Glad tidings all, Rudolf.

Rage romps it at Christmas

Sorry Joe, the folk have spoken. Pretty Joe McElderry will not be number one at Christmas this year. He's been beaten by Rage Against the Machine after a web campaign to keep the cash out of Cowell's pockets. Rage are giving the profits to Shelter.
Brilliant! Joe's a lovely lad and good luck to him but the whole X Factor fandango is just greed on speed. Two whole days of voting each weekend to rack up the duckets? Shoddy, boys, shoddy.
The Rage song is 18 years old but seems to sum it all up. Their guitarist Tom Morello said: " When people band together and make their voices heard they can completely overturn the system" Gloria to that.

beer and wellies

Have a need for some rubber outer-wear, or as Billy Connolly would put it " Af it wizne fer yer wellies wheer wud yu be!" a sentiment I totally agree with. He goes on to add. " Wellies they are wonderful, wellies they are swell, for they keep out the wet and they keep in the smell." How apt is that? He knew a good song when he heard it. Don't get em like that on the X Factor. Another classic is " You're the fag end in my beer can, you're the stone in my left shoe and when I think of great disasters you know I always think of you."
Say that won't do the business when you get dumped this Christmas. A man of the bon mot is our Billy. Always looked a bit of a scally, comes of having hailed from the Glasgow shipyards, may they rest in peace. Not a place for your your Armani. But get him to give you a cuddle and you know what? Under that excuse for a haircut he smells very clean and very expensive.

Godon blind in a blizzard

Looking like Lapland. Been there. They have snow deep as a man and 24 hour darkness. Worst that can happen is you miss the Northern Lights, sleeping off a hard day's skiing. Which we didn't - they were awesome! That and the icicles in the nostrils. Not a great look, but then, no one knows what a Finn looks like, bundled up as they are against minus 30 degrees.
We had four cars skewed across the road, school shut, a tree down and the dog mowed over by a sledge. Couldn't steer his craft so she bit him. He'd lost it pretty much like a lot of our leaders. Seems like they could do with a bite on the behind. Bend over Gordon - then at least someone will get a grip!

Dad's dirty dancing

They've been laughing at Dad's dance moves. Scientists from the fabulously famous University of Hertfordshire say that when an older bloke struts his stuff he is telling all the sexy women what a studless wonder he is. Past it, so don't bother. Women are supposed to decide if he is worth a swerve by the style and energy of his moves. The boffins watched 14,000 guys so they should know.
But maybe not. I'd rather have a laugh with a plonker on the dance floor, flinging it about and reducing me to a heap of giggles than be stuck on the sidelines with a cool dude who refuses to move a muscle unless it's between the sheets. Where he still wants his girl to do all the work.
Best aphrodisiac ever? A huge sense of humour!

Christmas love

Scraping the ice off the car while still in a dressing gown - no charge. Picking up drunk mates, a ton of beer and two giggly girlfriends - no charge. Sitting through a slow cello rendition of Jingle Bells struggling to keep a straight face - no charge. Staying up half the night to make the donkey costume only to get a place right at the back of a hot, stuffy hall - no charge. Sight of a kiddie face on Christmas morning - priceless.

Told you Joe would win it. There are folk who haven't been out on a weekend for ages because the X Factor has been on. Compulsive viewing but glad to see the back of it, particularly blonde and breathless Stacey. Safer really. Left a moment longer she would have spontaneously combusted. Gone up like a Christmas candle - and that would have been worth staying in for.

Boys gearing up

Training's going well, just one last long one to go before we rest and carb up. Donna's got shin-splints and I'm suffering a bit of groin strain, but nothing we can't cope with. And the old man is off to booze, always a bonus, though sure to make up for it on the night.
Course they are all whingeing about the early runs, just want to hit the hay and stay there. Well, that's not gonna get the job done is it? And the weather." Will it be a starry night?" they keep asking, as if that matters. With my nose! Could do the thing blindfold. And with old Nick drunk as a skunk and singing his heart out on the sleigh might as well be for all the help he'll be."Turn left at the Big Bear Rudolf!" he'll yell. If we go right past the Red Lion I'll be happy.
Still, soon be Boxing Day.

With a wife like Sally

Sally Bercow, what an asset she is! Such talent, just waiting in the wings. Her man John is thrilled to think of her joining him in politics. That's if he is still around himself. Sweet Sally has a mouth on her, as wide as the Clyde and just as
full of rubbish.
Happy to regale us with tales of her randy youth, brim full of one-night stands - didn't they want to see her again then ? She is now slagging off David Cameron. Her husband is the Speaker John Bercow, whose role is to be impartial. Sally spouts off so now John may be up against a challenge for his job, something pretty much unheard of. He got the plum post without a fight, despite being a Labour man in Tory kit. All is not lost. With Sally gunning for him there's a good chance of getting shot of both of them. Go girl!

Prince Harry for Strictly

Charles and Camilla on Strictly Come Dancing! I'd pay good money to see that. Might even pick up the phone for once and vote, just to keep that pair of wooden tops in there.Seems they sit by the telly on a Saturday glued to the show. And we all thought they had a social life. Charles SHOULD be a good mover - he's watched enough half-naked African lovelies gyrating to gather research on the subject - but anyone who breathes knows he isn't.
Maybe he imagines himself like the fabulously handsome Prince of Venice and Piedmont, Emanuele Filiberto who won the Italian version of the show. What would be the odds on Harry and Chelsea - or William and what's her name? My money would be on Harry - dark horse for a ginga.