Cut Tax to Fight Fat

A guy who doesn't smoke, do drugs or get drunk is going to tell us all how to be healthy and give up our bad habits. Very good luck with that sir !
Duncan Selbie is a Scot, getting £180,000 a year as the new head of Public Health England. He knows what makes us ill and costs the NHS millions. It's the fags, booze, doughnuts and lack of exercise.
We must cut the lot out, right now. So he can justify his fabulous salary. Will it work? Nope, no chance. Why? Because we are all so deeply miserable, that's why. With nothing to look forward to, no hope that things will get better, we drink and eat and take comfort from small things, because the big stuff, like a home of our own or a decent job, are well out of reach.
Happiness makes us healthier. People in love lose weight, food is the last thing on their minds. They don't get wellied every night either. Sad people do.
So I say scrap the new PHE, tell the banks and the tax man to give us our money back and see how we all start to feel, so, so much better.

Deal With Deadly Dogs

Dangerous dogs savage a teenager to death. It's usually a toddler and it happens so regularly. Have we become immune to this? There is a simple solution which may save some lives.
It starts with a limit on the number of dogs you can have without a licence. I'd say two. Even puppies would not be exempt. Only registered breeders should be able to raise puppies. If you want to, you should have to be checked that your circumstances suit, before you get a licence. Spot checks by the RSPCA would help, along with big fines.
Grown dogs, two only. That's enough for anyone. This young girl was in a house with two mastifs and two staffies. I own up to having a staffie. He is the sweetest natured, best mannered animal I have owned, by far, but he is a bundle of muscle with two velvet flaps on his head. In the wrong hands, lethal.
Responsible dog lovers want ther blame for these tragedies back where it belongs - with the owners.

Street Sex the Look for Spring

Prostitution Chic - it's the latest trend on the street. So say Lous Vuitton, the posh brand far beyond the reach of most sex workers. They show top models touting for custom in their new video. Gorgeous girls with very little on, wow, that's exactly the look they've nailed in downtown Wolverhampton.
Never mind the biting wind and icy pavements, it's bare legs, boob tubes and minis all the way. No point in a coat, got to let the dog see the rabbit as they say. Lashings of mascara and a big smile for the punters. That's trending there. Chic no, plenty of cheek, yes, and even the odd friendly slap or punch.
Critics are saying the  film, which cuts shots of models posing near naked in hotel corridors with the LV show, is degrading to women. They may be right.
Seems to me that all of this is a far cry form the real world of street sex, which does not involve beautiful women in expensive designer clothes, but drug addicts and no hopers struggling to make ends meet. Prossie Chic's not taking off there.

Prescott or The Queen?

Who do we want to see the back of? John Prescott or the Queen?  Dear me, that's a hard one! Johnny outstayed his welcome a long time ago, but there he is, popping up in the press he loves to hate, telling us all that the Queen has had enough and should abdicate.
No word on his departure though. Coming up to 73 in May - I've counted the days -  it's got to be time he parked the Jags.  As deputy PM he was a joke, yet he had the job for ten years. God alone knows why. Some say he knows where the bodies are buried and they kept him close to shut him up, but of course, they never could. Nobody can.
The man can barely string a sentence together, yet here he is telling the Queen enough is enough. You have to wonder what she thinks of him, though on second thoughts, we already know.

Not Buying The Boob Ban

Boobs are out! Cut the cleavage, shove those puppies away, breasts are certainly not best say the fashion police. It's the Frigid Spinster look instead, high necks, cardies and bless us all - Peter Pan collars.
Let's tell it like it is -  nobody older than five  looks good in a Peter Pan collar. That's just stating facts. Anyone with a bit of chest looks like she's depressed. Out of a job or passed over for promotion. Hiding away, trying not to be noticed, wishing she was five again.
It's not that we want to go all Stella McCartney, with her open to the crotch with nothing underneath look. That doesn't work either, if you have anything more than a 32A.
Blame the recession. Women cover up in down times. Probably good, if flashing a pair of  hessian sacks is your thing. Not nice at all. But a nice, smooth, milky white pair in a bit of lace? When did they  fail to make the grade?

Look to US Cameron and Co

Oooh be still my beating heart! A penny off a pint of beer - that's exciting! And no extra rise in tax on petrol, whoop di woo! We'll be celebrating on the streets tonight, thanks to gorgeous George Osborne.
What will we spend it all on, this windfall of a tax allowance going up to ten grand? We can ask granny about that, since pensioners have had this for ages. Along with their heating allowances, bus passes, TV licences, free prescriptions and the rest.
Happy for them I really am. Just want the rest of us to celebrate! Fun Georgie baby, a party! That's what's really lacking, any sense of optimism, and they don't help when they say we've got at least two more years of the same.
Let's do what the Americans are doing, get going on the cheap shale gas, free up the bank cash and get the show on the road again. We've been stuck in this jam for so long we've forgotten what progress is.

Theft in Cyprus will Cost Us All

Will anyone, anywhere ever trust the banks again? This theft of savers funds in Cyprus has shown us all what we already knew - the bamks are not to be trusted. Of course we realise that this is a government raid, and a so called tax, but really it's just theft, pure and simple.
We pay taxes to support services. We get something back for our money. Not always happy about it, but if we want hospitals, schools, even rubbish tips, we pay.
This is something else. Banks survive on confidence. We would rather have our cash in the bank than under a matress. Why? Because we fear  a break in. How silly do we look now? Our money is not safe. This maybe happening on tiny Cyprus, but do the rest of us really feel that it couldn't happen here? To us?
No wonder savers are getting their money out. That's called a run on the bank and usually it's caused by unnecessary panic sweeping people along. This time it's not panic. It's simple self-preservation.  This is a bad day for all of us and one that will surely prove a turning point.

Free Press Going, Going, G...

The High and Mighty are vexing themselves with the future of the press. I can save them the bother. There isn't one.
Parliament is facing a showdown on Monday because they can't agree on what should be done. Regulation is a must, they say, after all the rubbish over phone hacking and corrupt payments. Got to get them in line.
That's fine, except they are in line - down at the dole queues. Papers are closing faster than the tote before a big race at Cheltenham and if I was a gambler I would not place a bet on any papers being around in two years.
A whole section of my local paper closed down and moved sticks this week. Work is drying up for journalists everywhere. Nobody wants to pay for writers when they can download what they want from the net. That's progress. It's absolutely fine,
So the politicians can do what they usually do and sit tight and do nothing because the problem will definitely go away this time and we will all be a whole lot worse off without our free, already legally controlled, press.

Pope Hope Vatican

The new Pope looks like a nice guy. Sweet smile. No punching the air with a "Yes!' when he won. Cantered up on their blind side, a huge surprise, despite being runner-up last time. A rank outsider in the odds, he came romping home in record time.
He gets the  bus instead of chauffeur driven cars. Can't see that lasting, not with an expensive, bullet-proof Popemobile in the garage. Still, everyone seems keen. Lots of nuns shedding happy tears, priests hugging excited young people. They do a lot of that.
It's a big job, no doubt about it. Francis has his work cut out. Sex scandals,  huge fraud in the Vatican, a church in crisis, no wonder he is asking the faithful to pray for him. He seems to be able to tread carefully, avoiding blame for the arrest of two priests whose only crime was to help the poor, while setting himself up as their saviour himself. Great things are expected. Let's hope he is up to it, but at 76, some have their doubts.
Still, he looks like he wants to make a decent fist of it. Just hope he stays till God tells him it's time to leave, not because he fancies a nap in the afternoons.

Facelift to Face Life

 Saggy face - lift or leave? What if you are  58, your husband has traded you for a younger model, you have a bit of cash and fancy hauling the features up a bit. Your two daughters are livid and think you mad
So you write to the papers and their psychologist says the same thing, urging you to look for inner strength, beauty comes from within, all that b*******.
She didn't ask me, the lady who wrote to The Times. Pity. I'd have told her to go right ahead, have your surgery, look like a new woman on the outside and the rest of you will catch up.
Of course it's not the answer to all of life's ills - you'll still have those sanctimonious daughters for a start - but when you paste that false smile on your glowing new face and try to be brave in a hostile world, you'll have a head start. All any of us can hope for.

Invisible Man Carlos Tevez

Footie players are hardly famous in Manchester. Top names can walk the streets certain that no one knows who they are - especially if the play for United.
Carlos Tevez reckons he's a nobody. Driving around, he thought no one would spot him, let alone remember he'd been banned for six months.
So well done the traffic cops who hauled him in! Such a fantastic piece of detective work. Tevez, 28, says he didn't know what constabulary meant, so he ignored their letters. Makes sense. Footballers are not known for their intelligence after all.
Or did he think, sod it, I'll drive and pay the fine? Nobody is going to jail me, I'll  fork out from my fabulous salary and carry on as normal. I can afford to break the law, so who cares if anyone catches me at it? I'm a god in these parts after all.
Which do you think is most likely?

Page 3, a Smurf and a Fashionista

I've been a Smurf and Page Three Miss Santa Claus in the line of work. Page Three was the hardest,  having to hide my boobs under a tiny bolero number and twist from the waist. And stay there. Dire. What those girls go through!
The guy behind the lense was an expert, but my pic didn't make the paper. I'm no busty beauty that's for sure. Dressing for the job can be tough, getting it right even harder, so what about the fashionistas in the front row of the fashion shows?
See them in The Times today and weep! Pity the poor souls, wearing a small fortune and failing. They try so hard, but  sequin coats, leopard prints circa Bet Lynch in Coronation Street and a long orange skirt that looks like a can of Tango? Hardly the stuff or dreams is it?
Are we all going to race to the shops to look like them? I think, on balance, I prefer the big blue Smurf suit. With the white hat. Stylish, non?

Going Going - Get Rid of NHS Chief

Death has a way of sneaking up on a body. No idea he's about to come knocking, most of the timde. That's how I like it. In Florida there was a corpse on the gold course, just about par for most days among the old codgers there, while an ancient biddy played a cracking hand of bridge before making up a four with her maker.
My uncle George dropped dead off a bar stool, having hit the same floor several times before. A thick kid working as a builder's mate brought a wall down on top of him, failing to grasp the concept of gravity.
I've known diabetics choke on sugar forced on them by sweet friends and young men jump under buses thinking their cancer was incurable. It wasn't Sad cases all. God knows when my time will come. I'm glad I don't.
Just hoping it's not in an NHS hospital with Sir David Nicholson in charge. Can you imagine, they gave him a knighthood? Enough to bring on a seizure.

Booby Vicar and Page Three Pic

Good Lord! Pass the smelling salts Vicar,  the old girl's out cold! Fainted clean away at the sight of a naughty nude! Bum and boobs in parish rooms, whatever next?  The Sun with the newsheet? They'll be flocking in the aisles.
The mystery is - how did a naked lady get into the Rev's power point presentation in the first place? Such tedious affairs, they rarely tickle anyone's fancy. Not in St Mark's in Harrogate. The Rev Daniel Watts spiced the show up no end with his surprise shot of a full frontal.
Panic broke out in the pews, said one shocked parishioner. The Rev is blaming, "technical errors."' As the call girl said to the judge : " He would, wouldn't he?" Just like the vicar I once heard tell a bride on a hot day : "How clever of you to go topless!" He meant strapless. Bless him.