Losing it here. Sanity slipping away like snow off a roof. Just can't believe IT'S STILL JANUARY! Has the planet given up and died? Rolled to a halt? Christmas was ages ago, at least six months, and here we are, still talking about the New Year! Move on people!
Tomorrow sees us into February. Joy of joys. This winter is totally outstaying its welcome! A bit of snow is fine, get the sledge out, put the fire on, consider roasting a chestnut or two, usual seasonal stuff with a time for it under heaven and all that. But this has been going on for decades! The gas bill is topping third world debt. I'm wearing three jumpers, pyjamas under my jeans and a hat with flaps, that's inside the house, and it's still not enough!
Considering hibernation next year. Going to bed with a box of Hob-nobs and a teasmade. Be like a squirrel, rousing occasionally, but happy to stay put until the sensible weather returns. Absolutely refuse to do this again.
Mind the daffodils are peaking out in our miserable excuse for a garden. Mostly under the trampoline - such chutzpah - and the nights are getting lighter, slowly. Maybe Spring is just a bit shy, hanging back, like a spotty kid at a disco. Feel like shouting: " "Want you now! Get your sweet self over here you're hot, hot, hot!"
Monday 31 January 2011
Saturday 29 January 2011
Super model for Sale
Fancy your own battleship? Nothing like a couple of English eccentrics to out a big grin on your face and they don't come any quirkier than the pair selling a stonking great boat on eBay. It's the HMS Cornwallis, a model battleship, 5m long and correct in every detail - including the little sailor chappies on the deck.
Best bit is - lift the lid and two old codgers can fit inside. Bit snug, but they can take to the boating lake complete with pyrotechnics and sound effects. It's a masterpiece, a wondrous piece of kit! Puts your average pedallo to shame.
The top comes down so the guys are hidden inside. Smoke pours out of the funnels and the guns boom big time. For fun they've installed a water pistol and a ship's cat. Must have taken forever to build, no idea what it will sell for - bid stands at £2,995 at the moment, should go much higher. Sheer silliness in motion. Take a look - you won"t be disappointed!
Best bit is - lift the lid and two old codgers can fit inside. Bit snug, but they can take to the boating lake complete with pyrotechnics and sound effects. It's a masterpiece, a wondrous piece of kit! Puts your average pedallo to shame.
The top comes down so the guys are hidden inside. Smoke pours out of the funnels and the guns boom big time. For fun they've installed a water pistol and a ship's cat. Must have taken forever to build, no idea what it will sell for - bid stands at £2,995 at the moment, should go much higher. Sheer silliness in motion. Take a look - you won"t be disappointed!
Tuesday 25 January 2011
In a Mad World Maddie Shows the Way
Bit embarrassing that it's an American bringing guns in to Britain. You have to ask, with friends like these...There we were, taking our shoes and belts off and ditching our bottled water, all in the name of safety. The Americans themselves were particularly keen that the rest of us comply, while they go shooting little girls outside supermarkets. Odd that.
In a crazy world, I'm giving the final word to 15-year-old Maddie Mortimer, who lost her mum to cancer recently. She makes more sense. Writing in The Times today she says:" Nothing is quite the same, everything has a slightly darker shades to it. It doesn't get better. I'm learning to live with it.
"Strangely I have been having moments of complete happiness. I realise you can't be sad all the time, that's not how it works You have to embrace the happy moments, let them linger and not feel guilty that they exist in such sad circumstances."
In a crazy world, I'm giving the final word to 15-year-old Maddie Mortimer, who lost her mum to cancer recently. She makes more sense. Writing in The Times today she says:" Nothing is quite the same, everything has a slightly darker shades to it. It doesn't get better. I'm learning to live with it.
"Strangely I have been having moments of complete happiness. I realise you can't be sad all the time, that's not how it works You have to embrace the happy moments, let them linger and not feel guilty that they exist in such sad circumstances."
Sunday 23 January 2011
Top Gear Cheer for the Big Boys
Top Gear's back! New Stig, great cars - but what about the skill? Twice tonight we saw some of the most amazing expertise TV can boast - and it wasn't coming from Clarkson and co. Was there any credit - what do you think?
It's a great show, no doubt about it, but are those three up themselves? It's OK not to name the Stig - nobody wants that - but what about the pilots? The amazing guys who did incredible stuff in helicopters. Did we find out who they are? Did we heck as Jeremy would say.
He drove a Skoda Yeti while a helicopter landed on the roof. Incredible! What an ace flyer! He couldn't see the landing pad and had to abort once because it was too risky. Did it though. I can't have been the only one gobsmacked at such skill.
Then another pilot took a VW Beetle a mile into the sky, a great lump of crud hanging from a winch, whirling in the wind like a yo-yo on a string. Then he dropped it. That was the easy part. Hammond had to avoid it - probably not as hard as it looked. Did we find out who either pilot was or see their faces? Course not.
Maybe they are shy. If so, fine, their choice entirely. But maybe these three are too scared to share the spotlight. We love you lads but let's hear it for the big boys!
It's a great show, no doubt about it, but are those three up themselves? It's OK not to name the Stig - nobody wants that - but what about the pilots? The amazing guys who did incredible stuff in helicopters. Did we find out who they are? Did we heck as Jeremy would say.
He drove a Skoda Yeti while a helicopter landed on the roof. Incredible! What an ace flyer! He couldn't see the landing pad and had to abort once because it was too risky. Did it though. I can't have been the only one gobsmacked at such skill.
Then another pilot took a VW Beetle a mile into the sky, a great lump of crud hanging from a winch, whirling in the wind like a yo-yo on a string. Then he dropped it. That was the easy part. Hammond had to avoid it - probably not as hard as it looked. Did we find out who either pilot was or see their faces? Course not.
Maybe they are shy. If so, fine, their choice entirely. But maybe these three are too scared to share the spotlight. We love you lads but let's hear it for the big boys!
Thursday 20 January 2011
Spare a Thought
Diets. diets - some people are dying because of diets. Yet come New Year and the mags are full of them. In this obesity crisis spare a thought for those who stand like a bag of bones before the mirror and see fat, fat, fat.
It's all in the head of course. Most dangerous place for it and the hardest of all to shift. Today The Times tells us of mum Marie Caro, who has killed herself after failing to save her child Isabelle from anorexia. You can bet she did her best. Everything possible, but is still wasn't enough. Isabelle Caro, 28, modelled for a shock poster in 2007. She knew the danger she was in and wanted to warn others.
But the photographer who took the pictures of a stick-thin girl with huge scared eyes called her arrogant and self-promoting after her death. Harsh words for a mother to hear. Anorexia is a disease about control. It's suffered by girls and boys desperate for a grip on life that can be whisked away by fluke or just a whim of the weather.
It's one of the hardest to cure. So let's zip the puppy-fat remarks and the wobbly-bit banter and maybe we can all feel a whole lot better about ourselves.
It's all in the head of course. Most dangerous place for it and the hardest of all to shift. Today The Times tells us of mum Marie Caro, who has killed herself after failing to save her child Isabelle from anorexia. You can bet she did her best. Everything possible, but is still wasn't enough. Isabelle Caro, 28, modelled for a shock poster in 2007. She knew the danger she was in and wanted to warn others.
But the photographer who took the pictures of a stick-thin girl with huge scared eyes called her arrogant and self-promoting after her death. Harsh words for a mother to hear. Anorexia is a disease about control. It's suffered by girls and boys desperate for a grip on life that can be whisked away by fluke or just a whim of the weather.
It's one of the hardest to cure. So let's zip the puppy-fat remarks and the wobbly-bit banter and maybe we can all feel a whole lot better about ourselves.
Monday 17 January 2011
What a Shower in Milan
So, you need to wear a plastic mac to keep your Burberry dry? Is that what they are telling us at the Milan fashion show? Did they look like plonkers or not? Be honest! Thought the whole thing about a Burberry was that it was an expensive designer raincoat built to last - AND KEEP THE RAIN OFF.
So why did all those models look like grannies off to the Bingo with their see-through plastic macs and hoods. Like pensioners on parade. And in Italy, where they are born knowing what's hot and not.
The rain shower was a good idea. A bit Alton Towers, but fun. The cover-ups are a theme park thing too. Softies get them for the water slides. The rest of us settle for a drenching. Seems the Burberry isn't quite up to it if they have to go in for condom coats indoors. Or at least that's the message I'm getting.
So why did all those models look like grannies off to the Bingo with their see-through plastic macs and hoods. Like pensioners on parade. And in Italy, where they are born knowing what's hot and not.
The rain shower was a good idea. A bit Alton Towers, but fun. The cover-ups are a theme park thing too. Softies get them for the water slides. The rest of us settle for a drenching. Seems the Burberry isn't quite up to it if they have to go in for condom coats indoors. Or at least that's the message I'm getting.
Sunday 16 January 2011
Sting's sharing Sex Tips Again
Sting's dad used to deliver my milk. Bit of shared history there, coming from the same part of the world as we do. So as one Geordie to another I say: " Shut up about your sex life bonny lad."
Latest is he's telling in posh mag Harpers bizarre, sorry Bazaar, how he and Trudie like to dress up. There's pics of them kissing and looking smug. Must they? Last we heard they were into tantric sex, with the wits saying it was like waiting for a plumber - you stay in all day and nobody comes. Or as Jimmy Carr remarked: " Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker."
See? It's not nice. Set yourself up nicely for that one Gordon lad, should have seen it coming. Took your eye off the ball. At 59, what you do with your wife is your own business. Keep it to yourself pet, like your mam used to say.
Latest is he's telling in posh mag Harpers bizarre, sorry Bazaar, how he and Trudie like to dress up. There's pics of them kissing and looking smug. Must they? Last we heard they were into tantric sex, with the wits saying it was like waiting for a plumber - you stay in all day and nobody comes. Or as Jimmy Carr remarked: " Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker."
See? It's not nice. Set yourself up nicely for that one Gordon lad, should have seen it coming. Took your eye off the ball. At 59, what you do with your wife is your own business. Keep it to yourself pet, like your mam used to say.
Thursday 13 January 2011
Amazing Australians
Aussies you're amazing! The more I hear about the bravery Down Under, the more I admire every last one of them. With homes full of screaming people being washed downstream by a raging tide of water the courage of ordinary Australians takes some beating.
Terrifed and unable to swim, 13-year-old Jordan Rice told rescuers to save his younger brother first. As Blake, 10, reached safety, Jordan and his mum Donna were swept away. Dad John fights his grief to find gratitude and thanks the rescuers; "for giving me my son back. I would have lost all three."
The family of three seen by a horrified world clinging to the top of their car are safe - except for dad, last seen holding on to his young son. We all hoped for more. One thing is certain - Australians will sort this out. They will not sit back and wait for others to shift the debris and repair the damage. One year on and things will look the way they always did, all lasting scars hidden within the survivors.
Terrifed and unable to swim, 13-year-old Jordan Rice told rescuers to save his younger brother first. As Blake, 10, reached safety, Jordan and his mum Donna were swept away. Dad John fights his grief to find gratitude and thanks the rescuers; "for giving me my son back. I would have lost all three."
The family of three seen by a horrified world clinging to the top of their car are safe - except for dad, last seen holding on to his young son. We all hoped for more. One thing is certain - Australians will sort this out. They will not sit back and wait for others to shift the debris and repair the damage. One year on and things will look the way they always did, all lasting scars hidden within the survivors.
Monday 10 January 2011
Tiger Mother Danger
Tiger mother Amy Chua sure has a bite. She should be locked up as a dangerous species. This is the woman who shoved her three-year-old into the garden without a coat at -6 degrees because the toddler didn't fancy learning piano. It backfired when little Lulu refused to come back in and had to be bribed with brownies.
Chua has written a book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, about Chinese parenting. Horror film to follow shortly. Her girls have done well, playing piano at Carnegie Hall and violin for a top youth orchestra. That's excellent, all credit to them.
Seems to me though that their achievement isn't that good. Not after six hours a day practising. They are also ahead in maths, but again, so are so many others.
Chua has now decided to back off because her eldest, now 18, is applying for college and is being allowed to write her own application. "I felt that my work had been done. I just said to Sophia it's your responsibility - pick your schools and write your own essay. " Just like most of our kids do.
Chua says; "Chinese parents don't worry about their children's psyches." I find that chilling. Are they raising a nation of head cases? Should we worry? What do you think.
Chua has written a book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, about Chinese parenting. Horror film to follow shortly. Her girls have done well, playing piano at Carnegie Hall and violin for a top youth orchestra. That's excellent, all credit to them.
Seems to me though that their achievement isn't that good. Not after six hours a day practising. They are also ahead in maths, but again, so are so many others.
Chua has now decided to back off because her eldest, now 18, is applying for college and is being allowed to write her own application. "I felt that my work had been done. I just said to Sophia it's your responsibility - pick your schools and write your own essay. " Just like most of our kids do.
Chua says; "Chinese parents don't worry about their children's psyches." I find that chilling. Are they raising a nation of head cases? Should we worry? What do you think.
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Zsa Zsa Zoom!
Go, go Gabor! Zsa Zsa does it for me. The number one funny, gutsy lady is aged 93, but she delayed a leg amputation to razz it up with champagne and caviar at New Year. I love this girl! What a party that must have been.
Gabor never bores.Just a few of her lines: " How many husbands have I had? You mean, apart from my own, " Or," I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" And,"Macho does not mean mucho ."
Just like that other blonde with a brain Dolly Parton, this is a superstar with wit. Take note ladies. Big boobs don't cut it. It's not enough just to look great. That won't get you to the best parties at 93. Being the life and soul does.
Zsa Zsa I salute you. Everyone else just basks in your brilliance.
Gabor never bores.Just a few of her lines: " How many husbands have I had? You mean, apart from my own, " Or," I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" And,"Macho does not mean mucho ."
Just like that other blonde with a brain Dolly Parton, this is a superstar with wit. Take note ladies. Big boobs don't cut it. It's not enough just to look great. That won't get you to the best parties at 93. Being the life and soul does.
Zsa Zsa I salute you. Everyone else just basks in your brilliance.
Saturday 1 January 2011
Try My New Anti Ageing Stuff
My new anti-ageing treatment's going to make me a million this year. Top secret, but let's say but it involves dog hair and the gunk from a newborn's belly-button. Exciting isn't it? I'll whack it all together with a bit of vaseline and then wait for the dosh to roll in.
It's all so thrilling, it just can't fail.That newborn bit is a nice touch. Babes have such wonderful skin, there must be something in it, and where to look but a belly button? Genius, sheer genius.
There's stiff competition. I'm up against pregnant women's pee and ultra-violet blood injections, but I'm quietly confident. After all, why wouldn't it work? Sure to iron out those wrinkles. Injecting your own plasma back into your face sounds pretty attractive, and I may have to do some megga-marketing to beat that one, but there's plenty of dipstick out there willing to give any daft plan a go so why not mine? Anybody got a newborn I can scoop a bit out of?
It's all so thrilling, it just can't fail.That newborn bit is a nice touch. Babes have such wonderful skin, there must be something in it, and where to look but a belly button? Genius, sheer genius.
There's stiff competition. I'm up against pregnant women's pee and ultra-violet blood injections, but I'm quietly confident. After all, why wouldn't it work? Sure to iron out those wrinkles. Injecting your own plasma back into your face sounds pretty attractive, and I may have to do some megga-marketing to beat that one, but there's plenty of dipstick out there willing to give any daft plan a go so why not mine? Anybody got a newborn I can scoop a bit out of?
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