Cilla's got the right idea. Been reading today that 10m of us can expect to make 100. What a prospect! Cilla Black says she will be ready to go at 75 and she's spot on. It's not the getting old. The alternative is worse. It's the horrible, helpless indignity of it all. How do you cope with that? Missing marbles must be a blessing.
Been spending some time in our local hospital. It's an eye-opener. Everyone there seems to be over 75 and shaky. Commodes and Zimmer Frames rule. They were testing one old boy's cognisance. That's easy. None left, since 20 minutes ago he was standing starkers by his bed peeing on the sheets. The lovely nurse who cleaned up after him sighed: " Why do I always get naked?" Hope you do girl, lots of times, before you get to that stage.
I say there's good reason for calling it a day long before. Save me a seat on that flight to Zurich Cilla.
Thursday 30 December 2010
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Shakira Shakes Them Up
Dancing with Shakira - surely the stuff or nightmares! Just the thought of her gorgeous body going through the moves next to yours is enough to bring on a massive attack of the screaming heebie-jeebies. If you are a girl that is.
Shakira is Columbia's number one export. She's dynamite. Mesmerising midriff and all. But what did she do at the O2? Invited four girlies on stage with her, that's what. How utterly heartless. No better way to see your prospects plummet! Who would dare to compare? Get up on stage and... time to get your coat pet you've just been scratched from the fixture.
Belly dancing from a girl this good stands alone. She needs no help . When Shakira offers lessons in a spot of booty shaking, decline gracefully. The guy from The Times, - it's a tough job - described her performance as, " a high-velocity buttock wobble." We get the picture. He knows his stuff.
Forget 15 minutes of fame on stage and escape with ego intact! I offer this as an act or kindness along with one further tip - leave the goggle-eyed boys at home.
Shakira is Columbia's number one export. She's dynamite. Mesmerising midriff and all. But what did she do at the O2? Invited four girlies on stage with her, that's what. How utterly heartless. No better way to see your prospects plummet! Who would dare to compare? Get up on stage and... time to get your coat pet you've just been scratched from the fixture.
Belly dancing from a girl this good stands alone. She needs no help . When Shakira offers lessons in a spot of booty shaking, decline gracefully. The guy from The Times, - it's a tough job - described her performance as, " a high-velocity buttock wobble." We get the picture. He knows his stuff.
Forget 15 minutes of fame on stage and escape with ego intact! I offer this as an act or kindness along with one further tip - leave the goggle-eyed boys at home.
Monday 20 December 2010
Max Master of The Noble Art
Geordies are prime cadgers. We know how to touch a likely suspect for a bob or two, or failing that, a round of drinks. Such ancient arts are imbibed with our mother's milk, so it is with grudging admiration that the tale of Max the Swiss is told.
The is the charming old gent who has been emptying wallets all over Europe. His tales of stolen cars full of kiddies' Christmas presents have melted even hardened hearts. Apparently stranded by the side of the road, he has been given lifts, meals and enough cash to send him happily on his way. He promises a cheque in the post. Yes well.
A couple of his soft touches spotted him on a bus and called the police. This is where the intrinsic beauty of the scheme is revealed in all its perfect glory. Max can not be had. He has broken no law, because everyone he took money from had to force it on him. He never asks, the poor saps just take pity on him and practically beg him to let them fill his pockets. The man is a genius, a grand master of the noble art of getting owt for nowt. I stand in awe.
The is the charming old gent who has been emptying wallets all over Europe. His tales of stolen cars full of kiddies' Christmas presents have melted even hardened hearts. Apparently stranded by the side of the road, he has been given lifts, meals and enough cash to send him happily on his way. He promises a cheque in the post. Yes well.
A couple of his soft touches spotted him on a bus and called the police. This is where the intrinsic beauty of the scheme is revealed in all its perfect glory. Max can not be had. He has broken no law, because everyone he took money from had to force it on him. He never asks, the poor saps just take pity on him and practically beg him to let them fill his pockets. The man is a genius, a grand master of the noble art of getting owt for nowt. I stand in awe.
Thursday 16 December 2010
Don't Cry For This Mule
Bereavement is not funny. Anyone who read about Maddie Mortimer's gift here earlier this week knows how well I understand this.
Yet some people deserve to be fished out of the gene pool because they are simply too daft to stay. That's a fact. Case in point - Anthony Daniel, who has cashed in his chips at 40. No callow youth this.
He ate a kilo of cocaine and was caught by Customs. They whipped him to hospital to save his life. But no. Mr Daniel refused food and drink to stop the drugs passing through him and died a week later when the bag burst. Cause of death - acute cocaine toxicity and drug-related heart failure.
Now his family plan to sue Customs. Now that is funny. In a week when a lovely mum loses her fight to stay with her young daughters no one should shed a tear for this man. No doubt someone will cry for him - but not me.
Yet some people deserve to be fished out of the gene pool because they are simply too daft to stay. That's a fact. Case in point - Anthony Daniel, who has cashed in his chips at 40. No callow youth this.
He ate a kilo of cocaine and was caught by Customs. They whipped him to hospital to save his life. But no. Mr Daniel refused food and drink to stop the drugs passing through him and died a week later when the bag burst. Cause of death - acute cocaine toxicity and drug-related heart failure.
Now his family plan to sue Customs. Now that is funny. In a week when a lovely mum loses her fight to stay with her young daughters no one should shed a tear for this man. No doubt someone will cry for him - but not me.
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Jet Set Feel the Pinch
Chuck another chair on the fire father! To hell with poverty, let's have beans with our chips for tea. Splash out! Because if snow stops the Giro we'll be subbing off the corner shop again.
Everyone is missing their little luxuries, like coal and bread. And yes, even those hard-pressed bankers are feeling the pinch. Poor dears are more up against it than a rat in a trap. So much so, they are having to ditch their private planes and, whisper it, share with strangers. Dear God no, never that Cedric!
"People are scaling back. They sold planes to bring down their monthly cost, " says Ricky Sitomer, boss of Blue Star Jets, which rents out private planes to city types. A return trip from New York to Colorado for the skiing costs £25,000 if they go charter. It's slumming but well, must do their bit after all.
Bonuses are down 10% so something had to give. These days they forgo the lobster and filet mignon and bring their own lunches. Austerity is the new watchword. With such careful costing we should all be very grateful that they are still in charge of the nations' finances.
Everyone is missing their little luxuries, like coal and bread. And yes, even those hard-pressed bankers are feeling the pinch. Poor dears are more up against it than a rat in a trap. So much so, they are having to ditch their private planes and, whisper it, share with strangers. Dear God no, never that Cedric!
"People are scaling back. They sold planes to bring down their monthly cost, " says Ricky Sitomer, boss of Blue Star Jets, which rents out private planes to city types. A return trip from New York to Colorado for the skiing costs £25,000 if they go charter. It's slumming but well, must do their bit after all.
Bonuses are down 10% so something had to give. These days they forgo the lobster and filet mignon and bring their own lunches. Austerity is the new watchword. With such careful costing we should all be very grateful that they are still in charge of the nations' finances.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Maddie Mortimer's Gift
Today I'm not trying to be funny. Hit and miss at the best of times. Today I'm sad for a young girl who lost her mum to cancer on Friday. Her name is Maddie Mortimer, she's 14 and she has a younger sister Bella, aged 12.
I've been following her mum Katie Pearson's column in the Times about coping with disease and a new dog. It's been amusing, but recently a dark shadow fell over it, when she revealed doctors had told her there was nothing left to try. Katie went home and dad Marcus had to break the news to their girls.
Maddie tells it like it was in the Times today. I won't even try to describe it. Her words are the right ones. How she found them staggers me. She wraps her grief in love and makes a present of it to her mum, her family and the rest of us. I think she is amazing. Read it.
I've been following her mum Katie Pearson's column in the Times about coping with disease and a new dog. It's been amusing, but recently a dark shadow fell over it, when she revealed doctors had told her there was nothing left to try. Katie went home and dad Marcus had to break the news to their girls.
Maddie tells it like it was in the Times today. I won't even try to describe it. Her words are the right ones. How she found them staggers me. She wraps her grief in love and makes a present of it to her mum, her family and the rest of us. I think she is amazing. Read it.
Sunday 12 December 2010
Out of My Depp
Baggy pyjamas! The sexiest guy in the world wears baggy pyjamas. And guess what? It only makes Mr Johnnie Smokin' Depp even hotter! How come? Why do the normal rules not apply to this master of the universe? Your average Joe puts on baggy pyjamas and all is hot chocolate and an early night.
Depp shoves his sweet little ass into a pair and the world ignites! Sydney Harbour on New Year's Eve - not even close! Here is a Man God and saggy pants are what he wears. Perfect.
He whispered confidentially to another bloke:" But you don't want to abuse pyjamas. You get used to them and you're screwed..." SEE! - that's the make of the man. He knows he has everything it takes, no need to flaunt it, just let it slip out in it's own good time. Mmmmmm.
Depp shoves his sweet little ass into a pair and the world ignites! Sydney Harbour on New Year's Eve - not even close! Here is a Man God and saggy pants are what he wears. Perfect.
He whispered confidentially to another bloke:" But you don't want to abuse pyjamas. You get used to them and you're screwed..." SEE! - that's the make of the man. He knows he has everything it takes, no need to flaunt it, just let it slip out in it's own good time. Mmmmmm.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Porkie alert! Is your antenna twitching? Mine is after watching The Apprentice. Someone is trying to pull a flanker and it's not going to be pretty. Sir Alan's righteous wrath will be a joy to behold. Can't wait for the mighty axe to fall.
It's Stuart. He's rather fond of himself. "Let's start a new company!" the youth exclaimed. "Outrageous! " said the boss. Not sure he was convinced Stuart could make good on his promise to make millions. That gleam in Sir Alan's eye was not greed - he smells blood.
This troublesome child has come up with such cobblers that they must smack him in the face sooner or later. Next week sees the nit-pickers going through CVs. Exaggeration is not unknown. It is also Stuart's stock in trade. He has never knowingly sold himself short.
Has he been honest? What do you think? Me, I'm convinced the Whiskered One is hot on the trail. He smells a bull with dreadful tummy trouble. When that stuff hits the fan next week there will be such a wonderful stink the long dead will sit up and take notice. You have been warned.
It's Stuart. He's rather fond of himself. "Let's start a new company!" the youth exclaimed. "Outrageous! " said the boss. Not sure he was convinced Stuart could make good on his promise to make millions. That gleam in Sir Alan's eye was not greed - he smells blood.
This troublesome child has come up with such cobblers that they must smack him in the face sooner or later. Next week sees the nit-pickers going through CVs. Exaggeration is not unknown. It is also Stuart's stock in trade. He has never knowingly sold himself short.
Has he been honest? What do you think? Me, I'm convinced the Whiskered One is hot on the trail. He smells a bull with dreadful tummy trouble. When that stuff hits the fan next week there will be such a wonderful stink the long dead will sit up and take notice. You have been warned.
Wednesday 8 December 2010
Designer Dross or Not
Once chucked out an Hermes scarf. I'm assuming that the H is silent. Don't know, posh labels are not my thing. Neither was this scarf. It was fugly with a capital F. Some stuff is worth the cash. My Armani jacket gets worn to Tescos because well, have you walked past the freezers lately? No nipple thrill for the shelf-stackers from me, just the warmest thing since duvets and that's that.
But bags! Women are wearing a mortgage on their arms, in a look at what I've got way. I'm looking and I'm laughing! Why would anyone want a huge, leopard spot thing with a brass lock anywhere near them? Costs £1,000. I could show them how to be a total div for a fraction of that. Been doing it for years.
They can giggle all they like at my appalling taste, I'm perfectly happy with that and with the tat at Primark.
But bags! Women are wearing a mortgage on their arms, in a look at what I've got way. I'm looking and I'm laughing! Why would anyone want a huge, leopard spot thing with a brass lock anywhere near them? Costs £1,000. I could show them how to be a total div for a fraction of that. Been doing it for years.
They can giggle all they like at my appalling taste, I'm perfectly happy with that and with the tat at Primark.
Monday 6 December 2010
Kiss or Tickle in London Town
Covent Garden - great place, shame about the snogging! They've rigged up a bit of mistletoe that lights up when couples kiss. How lovely for them. Trouble is, I don't want to watch anyone eating face. That's not fun. Sticky slobber, triple yuk. Slight pause for upchuck.
Who wants to watch other people kissing? Some of them are staying there for ever, so we can all judge their amazing technique. Made me think of good kisses, just to take the taste away, kind of thing.
Best kiss? Gentle, slightly lingering, but completely unexpected. Stopped me dead. Could not think. Head exploded and the guy was delighted. Blasted every neural pathway like a Hadron Collider! Awesome is not the word - but it's near enough.
Point is, it was brief. A promise of things to come, not a tonsil tickle. Each to his own, all that gnawing might work for some, but there are major life moments that do it for you every time you think of them, days, even years later. Can't teach a person that, no matter how detailed the demonstration.
Who wants to watch other people kissing? Some of them are staying there for ever, so we can all judge their amazing technique. Made me think of good kisses, just to take the taste away, kind of thing.
Best kiss? Gentle, slightly lingering, but completely unexpected. Stopped me dead. Could not think. Head exploded and the guy was delighted. Blasted every neural pathway like a Hadron Collider! Awesome is not the word - but it's near enough.
Point is, it was brief. A promise of things to come, not a tonsil tickle. Each to his own, all that gnawing might work for some, but there are major life moments that do it for you every time you think of them, days, even years later. Can't teach a person that, no matter how detailed the demonstration.
Friday 3 December 2010
Global Party Fallout
All this tittle-tattle - have they not twigged it's just one worldwide office party? Come a bit early that's all. Everyone got boozed up and started telling the boss what's what. "You've gone and bollixed it up big-time mate, place is going down the pan, got to get your act together .. " And: "That Karen next door, have to dump her, she's a right arsey bitch! Been shooting her mouth off all over the shop." Sound likely?
Beer washing up against the back teeth always spews out the truth. That's the nature of things. So why is anyone getting shirty about it now? Time to mop up and move on. Bound to leave a bit of a stink. Going to be a bit unpleasant around the place for a while and no cosying up to Karen any more, but, well, she was rubbish, always skint. Maybe Amy will be a better bet anyway.
Beer washing up against the back teeth always spews out the truth. That's the nature of things. So why is anyone getting shirty about it now? Time to mop up and move on. Bound to leave a bit of a stink. Going to be a bit unpleasant around the place for a while and no cosying up to Karen any more, but, well, she was rubbish, always skint. Maybe Amy will be a better bet anyway.
Tuesday 30 November 2010
Give Milk Room a Miss
Spent five and a half years getting my tits out. That's not pole dancing either. So I know a bit about breastfeeding and the answer is - don't bother.
With the special milk rooms for mums that is. With a babe latched on, work goes west. Fact. I've got them out everywhere from Athens to Zagreb and it's been easy-peasy. The only bit of bother was on a train to Newcastle when some perv couldn't take his eyes off my jumper, getting well worked up at what was going on underneath. The little mite was suffocating up there, but the good stuff was on tap and she wasn't complaining.
Nobody ever complained about the fabulous figure that came with the job either. Old workmates were especially appreciative, having known me in my former, flatter, state. Not sure they would have been quite so keen had I got them out in the office though. It's one thing at the Christmas do, another entirely on a Tuesday lunchtime. Why would you waltz into work with a tiny baby anyway? Why not stay at home for six months to give them a good start?
I think myself lucky to have been able to keep at it. This idea of a room at work for feeding mums is a nonsense because babes love it, it takes forever and the best place for it is in front of daytime TV. That's speaking as one who knows.
With the special milk rooms for mums that is. With a babe latched on, work goes west. Fact. I've got them out everywhere from Athens to Zagreb and it's been easy-peasy. The only bit of bother was on a train to Newcastle when some perv couldn't take his eyes off my jumper, getting well worked up at what was going on underneath. The little mite was suffocating up there, but the good stuff was on tap and she wasn't complaining.
Nobody ever complained about the fabulous figure that came with the job either. Old workmates were especially appreciative, having known me in my former, flatter, state. Not sure they would have been quite so keen had I got them out in the office though. It's one thing at the Christmas do, another entirely on a Tuesday lunchtime. Why would you waltz into work with a tiny baby anyway? Why not stay at home for six months to give them a good start?
I think myself lucky to have been able to keep at it. This idea of a room at work for feeding mums is a nonsense because babes love it, it takes forever and the best place for it is in front of daytime TV. That's speaking as one who knows.
Saturday 27 November 2010
Bugs, What Bugs?
About to buy a penthouse. Well, it's a top floor flat, but think big. The solicitor sent "congratulations you've exchanged - now check for bugs." Bugs! Are the Soviets skulking in Suffolk? Do we have Taleban in the tractor sheds? Terrorists in the pig pens?
We do have a lot of pigs. Stand them snout to tail and they would reach Uranus and back. So, the bugs. Are they livestock? Has the dream residence become a house of horrors since we went for the second viewing? If so I'm out of there because I draw the line at biters. They get a smack on the wrist in this house.
No, I think not. Our lawyer simply means we should check that all is as we left it. A ceiling hasn't fallen in or a tramp taken up residence. Not unheard of in these parts. So we will pop back next week and turf them out, bugs and all, and get a new home for Christmas.
We do have a lot of pigs. Stand them snout to tail and they would reach Uranus and back. So, the bugs. Are they livestock? Has the dream residence become a house of horrors since we went for the second viewing? If so I'm out of there because I draw the line at biters. They get a smack on the wrist in this house.
No, I think not. Our lawyer simply means we should check that all is as we left it. A ceiling hasn't fallen in or a tramp taken up residence. Not unheard of in these parts. So we will pop back next week and turf them out, bugs and all, and get a new home for Christmas.
Thursday 25 November 2010
For The Man Who Has Everything
It's the must-have present for the man in your life - a shirt that won't show sweat patches. Hold back the hoardes, this will be massive, Buzz Lghtyear eat your heart out, you are so on the scrapheap now!
Who could resist? All the girls will be buying at least two for their guys. How thrilling on Christmas morning: "Tristram, those dreadful pit patches will be a banished from your life!" How terribly touching, must wipe away a tear.
Will she give him a cute little tongue scraper as well for the dog breath, or cream for the irritating piles? Everything to fulfil his wildest fantasies. How fascinating to think of labs where they are beavering away on such wonders of invention as no-sweat shirts. Can't fault the science, must have been a wonderful eureka moment for somebody. A Nobel prize is but a moment away.
Just thought a can of anti-perspirant would be cheaper. That should stop the sweat. Otherwise, where does it all go? Downward drip? Could we be looking at wet boxer tops here? Don't go there.
Who could resist? All the girls will be buying at least two for their guys. How thrilling on Christmas morning: "Tristram, those dreadful pit patches will be a banished from your life!" How terribly touching, must wipe away a tear.
Will she give him a cute little tongue scraper as well for the dog breath, or cream for the irritating piles? Everything to fulfil his wildest fantasies. How fascinating to think of labs where they are beavering away on such wonders of invention as no-sweat shirts. Can't fault the science, must have been a wonderful eureka moment for somebody. A Nobel prize is but a moment away.
Just thought a can of anti-perspirant would be cheaper. That should stop the sweat. Otherwise, where does it all go? Downward drip? Could we be looking at wet boxer tops here? Don't go there.
Tuesday 23 November 2010
Bet that Bum's Worth a Bit
Old roue Peter Stringfellow sounds perplexed. Prof Stephen Hawking turned up at his club one night and Peter was delighted. Rushed up to ask him if he wanted to talk science or look at naked ladies. Stephen said science.
Course he didn't! He would have yelled ladies if he could. He robot-spoke it instead. Peter's reaction:" It's complicated." In what way, on which planet, is it complicated? Nature of the universe? That's complicated. Can mush your mind, easy.
But a bloke wanting to look at naked ladies? Even a clever, disabled man like Stephen Hawking? In what way does that not add up? Every man coming into Peter's club knows what he's there for. He wants sexy dancing from a lady who really does look good naked.
Guys pay a girl up to £1,000 and go home without so much as a tickle. True. They have the most stringent no-touch rules there. Men with more money than sense are happy to splash out a small fortune, just to see a pretty bum wiggle. Not complicated, just daft.
Course he didn't! He would have yelled ladies if he could. He robot-spoke it instead. Peter's reaction:" It's complicated." In what way, on which planet, is it complicated? Nature of the universe? That's complicated. Can mush your mind, easy.
But a bloke wanting to look at naked ladies? Even a clever, disabled man like Stephen Hawking? In what way does that not add up? Every man coming into Peter's club knows what he's there for. He wants sexy dancing from a lady who really does look good naked.
Guys pay a girl up to £1,000 and go home without so much as a tickle. True. They have the most stringent no-touch rules there. Men with more money than sense are happy to splash out a small fortune, just to see a pretty bum wiggle. Not complicated, just daft.
Sunday 21 November 2010
Second-Hand love Token Anyone?
Not said a word about the happy couple. Not a blip. But like a nasty zit, something's got to come out. So here it is - WHY did he give her that ring? We know the royals are tight-wads. Anyone invited to Balmoral knows to pack the long johns because the heating's iffy at best. The staff are paid a pittance because they do it for the love.
Let's hope, this time, he does love her. Not like his dad, just back from honeymoon and chatting to his pal Gladys. Plenty been said about Diana, but she did have it tough.
That ring though. Why didn't he buy her a shiney new one? Apparently he wanted to bring his mother into the celebrations and saw this as the way. Nobody asked me..... but if they had I'd say save it for the first daughter, the little girl Diana always wanted but never had
A wedding, especially a royal wedding, is no place for second-hand engagement rings, especially one supposed to symbolise great love which turned out far too soon to be nothing but a sham.
Let's hope, this time, he does love her. Not like his dad, just back from honeymoon and chatting to his pal Gladys. Plenty been said about Diana, but she did have it tough.
That ring though. Why didn't he buy her a shiney new one? Apparently he wanted to bring his mother into the celebrations and saw this as the way. Nobody asked me..... but if they had I'd say save it for the first daughter, the little girl Diana always wanted but never had
A wedding, especially a royal wedding, is no place for second-hand engagement rings, especially one supposed to symbolise great love which turned out far too soon to be nothing but a sham.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
Liam's trainer or Depp"s Scarf
There's a mad old bat stalking Hampstead Heath. She's after shoes, and daft - or terrified - people are handing them over. Walking home in their socks. In this weather. Some marbles missing here?
Actually Angela Humphrey, 80, is not bonkers. She only approaches the famous and then auctions their footwear for a children's charity called Small steps. All fine and dandy, so that's a relief.
Except who would want Liam Gallagher's sweaty trainer ? Nice guy and all that, but shoes? There must be other stuff. The heath being a happy hunting ground for all types there's a fair bit of hastily dumped kit about. Some of it celebrity, bound to be. Not all worth hard cash though
Still, if it needs to be in pristine condition I'd say go for a scarf. Think about it. it would still SMELL of the famous neck. Expensive aftershave or perfume. How sexy is that? I'd happily fork out a fortune for either Clooney or Depp's. Even Pattinson's, though that"s a bit cougarish. Anyway, you could wear it or just sniff it. Know what I'd do - but I wouldn't be doing it to Liam's trainers.
Actually Angela Humphrey, 80, is not bonkers. She only approaches the famous and then auctions their footwear for a children's charity called Small steps. All fine and dandy, so that's a relief.
Except who would want Liam Gallagher's sweaty trainer ? Nice guy and all that, but shoes? There must be other stuff. The heath being a happy hunting ground for all types there's a fair bit of hastily dumped kit about. Some of it celebrity, bound to be. Not all worth hard cash though
Still, if it needs to be in pristine condition I'd say go for a scarf. Think about it. it would still SMELL of the famous neck. Expensive aftershave or perfume. How sexy is that? I'd happily fork out a fortune for either Clooney or Depp's. Even Pattinson's, though that"s a bit cougarish. Anyway, you could wear it or just sniff it. Know what I'd do - but I wouldn't be doing it to Liam's trainers.
Monday 15 November 2010
Palin at the Thought of Sarah
Starting to have a sneaky admiration for Sarah Palin - what chutzpah! Massive cheek on a grand scale. A girl who could put God in his place. Palin knows it all and that's that. Such confidence from someone with no experience of note and who jacked in her job as Governor of Alaska without even finishing one term. What a gal!
She's written 1,600 words of advice - Oh God! - to new politicians telling them how they should do the job. Just like the bossy mum getting everyone involved in the new reading scheme because it's so good for them. That and the school coffee morning. Tedious and deeply boring.
Yet there is no stopping Sarah. While we all slag her off for her brazen, totally unfounded, self-belief, her unstoppable ego takes on a life of it's own and before long we are asking:" How did that happen?" Seen the future and it's scary.
She's written 1,600 words of advice - Oh God! - to new politicians telling them how they should do the job. Just like the bossy mum getting everyone involved in the new reading scheme because it's so good for them. That and the school coffee morning. Tedious and deeply boring.
Yet there is no stopping Sarah. While we all slag her off for her brazen, totally unfounded, self-belief, her unstoppable ego takes on a life of it's own and before long we are asking:" How did that happen?" Seen the future and it's scary.
Sunday 14 November 2010
Fluff and Fancy Free
Pube alert! Rare and in danger of disappearing altogether. Should we be worried? You bet. Sign of our times that women have to be hair-free. Everywhere, like a porn star. Since when did we decide we have to look like that?
Can't really blame the sex business. It's always been about displaying the goods in the shop window for all to view. Total transparency on a need to know basis. There's a place for that. But us real girls should rebel, not only on the basis that fluff is a swine to get shot of.
Come the summer we will all be at it. Nobody wants overspill. Fine. But the rest of the time? Do we have to look like little girls with our kit off? Seems odd to me that fuzz-free has found such a happy home in the male psyche. Bit like those old paintings - some men actually thought women looked like that and got a shock. Some still do.
Time the girls took a stand for what is real and brought back a bit of cover. May add to the mystery. Something has to change or else - where will it all end?
Can't really blame the sex business. It's always been about displaying the goods in the shop window for all to view. Total transparency on a need to know basis. There's a place for that. But us real girls should rebel, not only on the basis that fluff is a swine to get shot of.
Come the summer we will all be at it. Nobody wants overspill. Fine. But the rest of the time? Do we have to look like little girls with our kit off? Seems odd to me that fuzz-free has found such a happy home in the male psyche. Bit like those old paintings - some men actually thought women looked like that and got a shock. Some still do.
Time the girls took a stand for what is real and brought back a bit of cover. May add to the mystery. Something has to change or else - where will it all end?
Friday 12 November 2010
All Aboard the Stinky Booze Cruise
Ever fancied cruising? On a ship that is, not Clapham Common. Both seem to require an ability to cope with the unexpected. I'm not fond of surprises. The high seas seem fraught with horrors, ice bergs and storms, not to mention sicky viruses and breakdowns.
The trick seems to be to stuff yourself silly on endless food then catch a vomit virus to pass the time till you get back. Or watch heaving water or passengers all day, take your pick. Not for me. So I do sympathise with the holidaymakers aboard the cruise ship Carnival Spendour arriving in San Diego after three days without electricity. That's no flushing toilets to you and me. Or showers. Needless to say, they stink.
"The whole bottom deck smells like rotten milk. There's faeces everywhere. It's disgusting, " said bride Stacey Noriega after a memorable honeymoon. Not much splendour there then. No amount of free booze will make up for that.
The trick seems to be to stuff yourself silly on endless food then catch a vomit virus to pass the time till you get back. Or watch heaving water or passengers all day, take your pick. Not for me. So I do sympathise with the holidaymakers aboard the cruise ship Carnival Spendour arriving in San Diego after three days without electricity. That's no flushing toilets to you and me. Or showers. Needless to say, they stink.
"The whole bottom deck smells like rotten milk. There's faeces everywhere. It's disgusting, " said bride Stacey Noriega after a memorable honeymoon. Not much splendour there then. No amount of free booze will make up for that.
Thursday 11 November 2010
Sex Crazies Haunt Facebook
My husband is being pestered for sex - and not by me! Don't know whether to be offended or flattered. it's got so bad that he is thinking of shutting down his Facebook account so that the ladies will have to seek love elsewhere.
Are there so many out there starved of affection that they have to send their pics to anyone, regardless of status? Having seen our family efforts with the site I got so bored by the toe-numbing trivia and decided I'd rather not, thanks.
I can have more fun scraping dry skin off my feet and it's a lot more intimate. Husband reckons they are more interested in his Barclaycard than his body. No disloyalty intended, but they are bound to be disappointed on both counts. He only opened the site to keep in touch with his biker mates. Must be weird to have sex-starved crazies hungering after you. Could turn a man's head.
Are there so many out there starved of affection that they have to send their pics to anyone, regardless of status? Having seen our family efforts with the site I got so bored by the toe-numbing trivia and decided I'd rather not, thanks.
I can have more fun scraping dry skin off my feet and it's a lot more intimate. Husband reckons they are more interested in his Barclaycard than his body. No disloyalty intended, but they are bound to be disappointed on both counts. He only opened the site to keep in touch with his biker mates. Must be weird to have sex-starved crazies hungering after you. Could turn a man's head.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
Gordon Ramsay Shares His Pain
How we love our celebs! It's so wonderful when they open their hearts to us. revealing their deepest emotions and bitter tears. We long to share their pain. Gordon Ramsay is hurting now and he's so so sad he wants the world to know.
Hence his letter printed in a newspaper to his Mum-in-law. It's sincerely heartfelt. Not sure it's winning her over though. Saying his wife Tana's dad is a "manipulating, controlling dictator," is hardly lovey-dovey. Sacking the man didn't help.
Getting a private detective to follow dad around and saying that his "away days were rarely what I thought they were," seems a bit sneaky. What was the old boy up to? Surely not something on the side Gordon? We clamour to know.
Shove all this stuff in our faces and well, it's bound to come back and kick you up the assiette. Never going to end well. Ramsay writing : "You've been a fantastic mum, please don't stop, " will have the woman bringing up her breakfast. Can't wait for the next installment.
Hence his letter printed in a newspaper to his Mum-in-law. It's sincerely heartfelt. Not sure it's winning her over though. Saying his wife Tana's dad is a "manipulating, controlling dictator," is hardly lovey-dovey. Sacking the man didn't help.
Getting a private detective to follow dad around and saying that his "away days were rarely what I thought they were," seems a bit sneaky. What was the old boy up to? Surely not something on the side Gordon? We clamour to know.
Shove all this stuff in our faces and well, it's bound to come back and kick you up the assiette. Never going to end well. Ramsay writing : "You've been a fantastic mum, please don't stop, " will have the woman bringing up her breakfast. Can't wait for the next installment.
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Great Mates on a Risky Mission
Rats! Is that a shudder? Must be the tails that do it, all naked and pink, with the odd stiff hair. Hardly cute and cuddly.
We spotted them here, so down went the poison. Shoved it into their holes. It makes them a bit drunk and they loved it. Got all sloshed and strolled about. That's when you think:"Aah, look at those lovely, shiny black eyes!" Have to admit a bit of a pang there.
Now the latest is they are saving lives sniffing out explosives. "Detection is the most difficult, dangerous and expensive part of mine action," says Bart Weetjens of the Belgian aid organisation Apopo. " Rats are much more difficult to train than dogs but so far they have helped re-open two million square miles of Mozambique." The rodents get a bit of food as a reward for finding TNT.
Granted these are giant pouched rats, so well up for it, but two million square miles! Respect.
We spotted them here, so down went the poison. Shoved it into their holes. It makes them a bit drunk and they loved it. Got all sloshed and strolled about. That's when you think:"Aah, look at those lovely, shiny black eyes!" Have to admit a bit of a pang there.
Now the latest is they are saving lives sniffing out explosives. "Detection is the most difficult, dangerous and expensive part of mine action," says Bart Weetjens of the Belgian aid organisation Apopo. " Rats are much more difficult to train than dogs but so far they have helped re-open two million square miles of Mozambique." The rodents get a bit of food as a reward for finding TNT.
Granted these are giant pouched rats, so well up for it, but two million square miles! Respect.
Monday 8 November 2010
Sam or Vivienne at the Brits?
So they plan to slick up the Brits! What a shame, it just won't be the same. Remember when Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood made such a shambles of it in 1989? Still reckon that was my top telly disaster. It was all just so, so wrong. Everything.
They forgot the names, ignored the cues, said all the wrong things and it was BRILLIANT. Sam was never better. Forget page three, this was her finest hour. She said afterwards that there was a daft bint in the crowd shouting abuse at her the whole time and she had to step off stage to throttle her. Go girl!
We missed that bit - but the rest more than made up for it. Now they want to make it all polished and professional, with a Vivienne Westwood designed award and class acts. Big mistake. It's boring when the smoothies get it right - it's when the stuff hits the fan that we prick up our ears. We love train-crash telly! So don't spoil it.
They forgot the names, ignored the cues, said all the wrong things and it was BRILLIANT. Sam was never better. Forget page three, this was her finest hour. She said afterwards that there was a daft bint in the crowd shouting abuse at her the whole time and she had to step off stage to throttle her. Go girl!
We missed that bit - but the rest more than made up for it. Now they want to make it all polished and professional, with a Vivienne Westwood designed award and class acts. Big mistake. It's boring when the smoothies get it right - it's when the stuff hits the fan that we prick up our ears. We love train-crash telly! So don't spoil it.
Saturday 6 November 2010
That's Telling Her!
Good with words is Germaine Greer. Like her style. She once said that Pamela Stephenson Connolly had, "made a little talent go a long way." Ooh does that hit the spot? I think so.
The Strictly hopeful is trying to find her lighter side. She'll have to dig deep. Since turning psychotherapist she's been a bit, well, odd. Talking of entering a " very existential phase." Sounds painful pet, better have a lie down.
Can't help but be a bit hard on Pamela after she accused me of upsetting Billy's first wife. Which I never did. This may be hard to fathom but perhaps she was the problem there. Sometimes these therapists are so busy analysing the rest of us that they are a total mystery to themselves.
Like her reasons for having Botox. "Everyone thought I was frowning at them." Not if you're smiling Pamela! Relax, it's fine to admit it - you're as vain as the rest of us headcases.
The Strictly hopeful is trying to find her lighter side. She'll have to dig deep. Since turning psychotherapist she's been a bit, well, odd. Talking of entering a " very existential phase." Sounds painful pet, better have a lie down.
Can't help but be a bit hard on Pamela after she accused me of upsetting Billy's first wife. Which I never did. This may be hard to fathom but perhaps she was the problem there. Sometimes these therapists are so busy analysing the rest of us that they are a total mystery to themselves.
Like her reasons for having Botox. "Everyone thought I was frowning at them." Not if you're smiling Pamela! Relax, it's fine to admit it - you're as vain as the rest of us headcases.
Friday 5 November 2010
Blunt but Sharp
Better whisper this - I actually like James Blunt. Phew that hurt, but hey, it's done, it's out there and I'm not going to take it back. Now I think about it, he's in my Top Ten. Gets easier all the time.
Fact is, the guy is funny. Did you see him on Have I Got News For You? Forgive the weird nylon/faux leather jacket, probably worth a packet but did zero for you James, and the rather red, stuck down hair and the guy was good. Witty. And that scores.
He's got a nice smile, but is not a classic looker. His voice - I've yet to decide, but can't fault anyone who sings You're Beautiful at me. Tend to lap that up, even if, sad to say, it's not personal. Obviously. He makes me laugh. He was great on Top Gear too and he can drive, really, really well. Is that sexy? Reckon so.
Something else. Doesn't seem to take himself too seriously. Right, that's enough of that, where's my invitation to the Palace James?
Fact is, the guy is funny. Did you see him on Have I Got News For You? Forgive the weird nylon/faux leather jacket, probably worth a packet but did zero for you James, and the rather red, stuck down hair and the guy was good. Witty. And that scores.
He's got a nice smile, but is not a classic looker. His voice - I've yet to decide, but can't fault anyone who sings You're Beautiful at me. Tend to lap that up, even if, sad to say, it's not personal. Obviously. He makes me laugh. He was great on Top Gear too and he can drive, really, really well. Is that sexy? Reckon so.
Something else. Doesn't seem to take himself too seriously. Right, that's enough of that, where's my invitation to the Palace James?
Wednesday 3 November 2010
No Dear, Not Like That!
Would you ever try to play a flute with your bottom? No, me neither, though I still struggle the more conventional way. Only ask because expert musicians have spent months making copies of instruments shown in a 16th century painting, hoping they would play.
Disaster! Though they look lovely the consensus is they're useless:"The racket that comes out is horrible. The trumpet has been coiled so many times it wouldn't play and the harp's strings do not give an octave, says the expert in charge, Andy Lamb. The hurdy-gurdy design is fundamentally flawed with a half-hearted buzzing noise and the lute can't be tuned without collapsing.
The experts at Oxford University were using Bosch's picture The Garden of Earthly Delights as their starting point. It shows hellish cruelty and depravity, which might have been a clue. The flute, which took weeks to make, is stuck into a sinner's bottom. "I can tell you that you can't play a flute like that, " reveals Mr Lamb, but he added " We are pushing the boundaries of music education an inch at a time." Absolutely, but not in that direction.
Disaster! Though they look lovely the consensus is they're useless:"The racket that comes out is horrible. The trumpet has been coiled so many times it wouldn't play and the harp's strings do not give an octave, says the expert in charge, Andy Lamb. The hurdy-gurdy design is fundamentally flawed with a half-hearted buzzing noise and the lute can't be tuned without collapsing.
The experts at Oxford University were using Bosch's picture The Garden of Earthly Delights as their starting point. It shows hellish cruelty and depravity, which might have been a clue. The flute, which took weeks to make, is stuck into a sinner's bottom. "I can tell you that you can't play a flute like that, " reveals Mr Lamb, but he added " We are pushing the boundaries of music education an inch at a time." Absolutely, but not in that direction.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Does it Do it For You?
Do you wanna be in their gang? Celebs are getting tribal, wearing the right bangle to belong. It shows they can afford £29.99 for a piece of tat that is meant to make them feel great. The money would do it for me. Send me the thirty quid and I'll feel pretty good for you. And you would be helping a poor Billy No Mates into the bargain, so what's not to like?
The ridiculous ways the rich and famous find to squander their dosh never ceases to amaze. This is the latest craze, a rubber wrist band called the Power Balance. Supposed to "resonate and respond to the natural energy flow of the body," improving " balance, strength and flexibility." I tell you now. It doesn't work. Sue me if I'm wrong.
Yet David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kate Middleton are among the more money-than-sense-celebs who are flocking to Harrods and JJB Sports to buy one. It's apparently all about frequencies incorporated into a hologram, low-emitting electro-magnetic stuff. A word beginning with b and ending in s springs to mind.
Spend your money on what you like. Wear what you like. But don't expect the rest of us to think you've made a rational decision because frankly, you're away with the fairies.
The ridiculous ways the rich and famous find to squander their dosh never ceases to amaze. This is the latest craze, a rubber wrist band called the Power Balance. Supposed to "resonate and respond to the natural energy flow of the body," improving " balance, strength and flexibility." I tell you now. It doesn't work. Sue me if I'm wrong.
Yet David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kate Middleton are among the more money-than-sense-celebs who are flocking to Harrods and JJB Sports to buy one. It's apparently all about frequencies incorporated into a hologram, low-emitting electro-magnetic stuff. A word beginning with b and ending in s springs to mind.
Spend your money on what you like. Wear what you like. But don't expect the rest of us to think you've made a rational decision because frankly, you're away with the fairies.
Sunday 31 October 2010
Ship the Oldies into Space
One way trip to Mars - who's up for that then? Sounds like a winner. All expenses paid, no council tax or greedy politicians and plenty of wide open space. No Strictly or X Factor, just make your own fun, like they did before the war.
The scientists are serious. "Some people would call it scary but I'd call it thrilling or exciting," says astrobiologist Dirk Schulze-Makuch. co-author of a paper into the mission, planned for 2030. Nasa has about £1m towards the cost, reckoned to run to 10 billion dollars, but is looking for private funding.
They'll send on a nuclear reactor, food, solar panels and tools so that the new Martians will feel at home. Water and oxygen are available in the planet's large stores of ice. No worries there then. Shame the cost of getting back is too high. As your mum would say, it's like it or lump it.
"These volunteers will be the next big explorers - the new Magellan and Columbus - and they will have the whole planet to themselves," adds Dirk. They will also be over sixty because they have to live out the rest of their lives there. Oh dear, is this the old folks home from hell? No hoodies or screaming toddlers sure, but will they remember to turn off the gas?
The scientists are serious. "Some people would call it scary but I'd call it thrilling or exciting," says astrobiologist Dirk Schulze-Makuch. co-author of a paper into the mission, planned for 2030. Nasa has about £1m towards the cost, reckoned to run to 10 billion dollars, but is looking for private funding.
They'll send on a nuclear reactor, food, solar panels and tools so that the new Martians will feel at home. Water and oxygen are available in the planet's large stores of ice. No worries there then. Shame the cost of getting back is too high. As your mum would say, it's like it or lump it.
"These volunteers will be the next big explorers - the new Magellan and Columbus - and they will have the whole planet to themselves," adds Dirk. They will also be over sixty because they have to live out the rest of their lives there. Oh dear, is this the old folks home from hell? No hoodies or screaming toddlers sure, but will they remember to turn off the gas?
Thursday 28 October 2010
Panda Fun and Games
Feeling glum? Then pick up a panda! Six are on their way to the Asian games to add the feel-good factor. Master stroke! Totally with them on this one. Nothing more likely to up the cheer than a great, cuddly panda.
Proved it when they shipped eight to the Beijing Olympics and they attracted 2.1million visitors over ten months. That's a fair strike rate. Don't really know why. Pandas must be life's biggest losers after all. They hate sex, are as likely to sit on their tiny babies as suckle them and only eat bamboo, which is more than a bit picky. What are they for?
Perhaps we like them so much because their huge heads and big eyes remind us of babies' faces. Can't help but respond, we are just hard-wired to like them. Maybe the monochrome look strikes a chord, though that doesn't work for zebras or Newcastle United fans.
Pandas just sit there looking pretty and sucking on sticks. They are not even that playful and come across as frankly, a bit dim. Yet we flock to see them. What a brilliant con job nature just pulled off.
Proved it when they shipped eight to the Beijing Olympics and they attracted 2.1million visitors over ten months. That's a fair strike rate. Don't really know why. Pandas must be life's biggest losers after all. They hate sex, are as likely to sit on their tiny babies as suckle them and only eat bamboo, which is more than a bit picky. What are they for?
Perhaps we like them so much because their huge heads and big eyes remind us of babies' faces. Can't help but respond, we are just hard-wired to like them. Maybe the monochrome look strikes a chord, though that doesn't work for zebras or Newcastle United fans.
Pandas just sit there looking pretty and sucking on sticks. They are not even that playful and come across as frankly, a bit dim. Yet we flock to see them. What a brilliant con job nature just pulled off.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Italian lovelies Cover Up by Law
Ban the mini-skirt! It's indecent. Not the burkha brigade this time but - guess who - the Italians! Didn't see that one coming. Are the Latins losing their mojo? Such a shame for the ladies if that's so. A girl didn't have to be a looker to get a glance from a doe-eyed Romeo. Runs in their blood like olive oil.
But Mayor of Castellammare di Stabia, Mr Luigi Bobbio has ruled against. No mini skirts, cleavage or low jeans are allowed. Is he a man?
Of course if your legs could support the Colosseum maybe it's time for a maxi. And nobody likes stuff spilling out all over the place. That's just not nice. But Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. Who wants to hide that away?
Mr Bobbio says he's had to be drastic because: "On the first day of summer people walk around as though they were on the beach. It's something that no civilised city could tolerate." Could be wrong but I bet he's on his own there. The girls certainly think so, they've been getting their legs out anyway and saying: " Now fine us all!"
Come the first day of Spring all will be forgiven and forgotten. Otherwise sadly, those gorgeous Italian guys can kiss their romantic reputation goodbye.
But Mayor of Castellammare di Stabia, Mr Luigi Bobbio has ruled against. No mini skirts, cleavage or low jeans are allowed. Is he a man?
Of course if your legs could support the Colosseum maybe it's time for a maxi. And nobody likes stuff spilling out all over the place. That's just not nice. But Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. Who wants to hide that away?
Mr Bobbio says he's had to be drastic because: "On the first day of summer people walk around as though they were on the beach. It's something that no civilised city could tolerate." Could be wrong but I bet he's on his own there. The girls certainly think so, they've been getting their legs out anyway and saying: " Now fine us all!"
Come the first day of Spring all will be forgiven and forgotten. Otherwise sadly, those gorgeous Italian guys can kiss their romantic reputation goodbye.
Sunday 24 October 2010
Obama"s Choice
So Obama did Michelle a favour? "He could have married a white woman but instead he chose a woman darker than him!" Is that for real? This was from a mate of hers too, her biographer Liza Mundy. With friends like that...
OF COURSE Obama could have married a white woman. The man's so hot his shirt is smokin'! Any woman would have to be nailed into a box not to notice.
He could have had anybody. He chose Michelle. And as with the rest of us, the darkness of her skin had nothing to do with it. Feels really, really weird to have to state the obvious like that. Nobody in the UK gives a monkeys that they are the first black couple in the White House. Yet Ms Mundy says of Michelle: "You can't overestimate how symbolically important she is for African American women."
So it's not her intellect or her degrees from Princeton and Harvard. It's just great that a black woman is married to the President. No wonder she's feeling a tad fed-up these days.
OF COURSE Obama could have married a white woman. The man's so hot his shirt is smokin'! Any woman would have to be nailed into a box not to notice.
He could have had anybody. He chose Michelle. And as with the rest of us, the darkness of her skin had nothing to do with it. Feels really, really weird to have to state the obvious like that. Nobody in the UK gives a monkeys that they are the first black couple in the White House. Yet Ms Mundy says of Michelle: "You can't overestimate how symbolically important she is for African American women."
So it's not her intellect or her degrees from Princeton and Harvard. It's just great that a black woman is married to the President. No wonder she's feeling a tad fed-up these days.
Friday 22 October 2010
Bang on The Button - Er. No
Bomb? What bomb? - I'm blown away here having fun! President Clinton lost the codes to our nuclear deterrent around about the time Miss Lewinsky was providing an explosive experience of her own.
He remembered having them, " rubber banded to his credit cards in his trouser pocket." Now which pants would they be President, oh yes, the ones on the floor of the Oval Office. Still no harm done, we're all still here. Got new ones eventually. And the Ruskies had no idea they were missing for months.
Without the codes there was no way the President could press the button to launch a nuclear strike. Lt Col Robert Patterson says an aide supposed to check the code every month was sent away because the President was too busy. When he finally " fessed up" the Pentagon went into meltdown to get new ones, which took hours. The old ones never turned up.
Bill had a lot on his mind - he admitted the codes were gone on the same day his affair with Monica hit the fan. Bit of a priority problem there - what"ll look worst in the papers tomorrow? Spoilt for choice really. Nobody could believe it, and anyway the sex was such a good read that slippery Bill got away with it. Nice to know our planet was in such safe hands.
He remembered having them, " rubber banded to his credit cards in his trouser pocket." Now which pants would they be President, oh yes, the ones on the floor of the Oval Office. Still no harm done, we're all still here. Got new ones eventually. And the Ruskies had no idea they were missing for months.
Without the codes there was no way the President could press the button to launch a nuclear strike. Lt Col Robert Patterson says an aide supposed to check the code every month was sent away because the President was too busy. When he finally " fessed up" the Pentagon went into meltdown to get new ones, which took hours. The old ones never turned up.
Bill had a lot on his mind - he admitted the codes were gone on the same day his affair with Monica hit the fan. Bit of a priority problem there - what"ll look worst in the papers tomorrow? Spoilt for choice really. Nobody could believe it, and anyway the sex was such a good read that slippery Bill got away with it. Nice to know our planet was in such safe hands.
Thursday 21 October 2010
Hawking a Lazy Lout?
He's got the most famous voice in the world and brain as big as a planet but Prof. Stephen Hawking was a lazy div at college. Only did an hour of work a day at Oxford to get his first.
He says:"You were supposed to be brilliant without effort. I'm not proud of this lack of work, I'm just describing my attitude of complete boredom and the feeling that nothing was worth making an effort for." It's a view shared by many a lad in saggy jeans. Maybe the prof is telling a few porkies here. Everyone goes into exams saying they've done no work at all. Only the dipsticks are taken in.
Anyone with half a brain is hoovering it up big-time - granted only the night before - and then planning to dump the lot before it wafts away in a fine mist. The prof put his time in for sure. He's even got a heat source named after him, Hawking radiation, where stars leak energy and fade. Few like that on Strictly.
Only a famous egg-head could claim to do nowt and get on. The rest of us know better.
He says:"You were supposed to be brilliant without effort. I'm not proud of this lack of work, I'm just describing my attitude of complete boredom and the feeling that nothing was worth making an effort for." It's a view shared by many a lad in saggy jeans. Maybe the prof is telling a few porkies here. Everyone goes into exams saying they've done no work at all. Only the dipsticks are taken in.
Anyone with half a brain is hoovering it up big-time - granted only the night before - and then planning to dump the lot before it wafts away in a fine mist. The prof put his time in for sure. He's even got a heat source named after him, Hawking radiation, where stars leak energy and fade. Few like that on Strictly.
Only a famous egg-head could claim to do nowt and get on. The rest of us know better.
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Bit of a Knit Russell
Russell, I love you man, I really do, but what's with the big cardie? Ok, so everyone gets comfy once in a while and those leggings must be murder on the boy bits, not to mention festering serious fungi, so fine, go baggy, but a cardie? Like your gran would wear? We know she raised you, so respect, but no lad, no.
Not sure about the hair either. That wild night on the shag look had a mileage. Still, must move on, have to be prepared to make allowances for one of the cleverest, funniest, definitely quirkiest and probably nicest guys around. Shame about the phone calls - that went splat - but a lad who thinks on his feet is bound to fall flat on his tush now and then.
You say;" I'm a spiritual gent - were it not for my crazed lust for sex and glamour." Well that sloppy cardie's getting you neither. Just as well you've got your happy little hands on Katy Perry because she'll keep you right, she's the lovely lass next door. Your Gran would be proud.
Not sure about the hair either. That wild night on the shag look had a mileage. Still, must move on, have to be prepared to make allowances for one of the cleverest, funniest, definitely quirkiest and probably nicest guys around. Shame about the phone calls - that went splat - but a lad who thinks on his feet is bound to fall flat on his tush now and then.
You say;" I'm a spiritual gent - were it not for my crazed lust for sex and glamour." Well that sloppy cardie's getting you neither. Just as well you've got your happy little hands on Katy Perry because she'll keep you right, she's the lovely lass next door. Your Gran would be proud.
Sunday 17 October 2010
Down South they do it with Lollies
Top of the ten best places to get banjaxed out of your brain - Camden in London. While us Geordies can expect to be shoved into the paddy-wagon with not so much as a "Mind ya heed!" in Camden things are far more genteel.
They hand out lollies not clouts for a start. And biscuits, tea and coffee, squash and water. Up North you need to be bedded down among the Evening Chronicles to come across such largesse. Or down at a blood-donor session. in Camden all that's needed is a few over the odds and they are all over you with the freebies.
Included - get this - flip-flops! For the drunken bints in high heels who keep falling over. What's wrong with bare feet? Worked in my day. Are we getting soft or just soft in the head? Get too many down and you should be getting them all back up again behind the pub, feeling rubbish and hoping you get a taxi not a lift with the law to the local nick.
A night in the cells being woken every thirty minutes is the room service of choice for the over-imbiber in Newcastle. Not coffee and a bickie off some nice posh lady from the local council. Course we do breed them hard up there " where the men are men and the women are men" but in these days of austerity measures perhaps cutting down on the alcopops may be the way to go.
They hand out lollies not clouts for a start. And biscuits, tea and coffee, squash and water. Up North you need to be bedded down among the Evening Chronicles to come across such largesse. Or down at a blood-donor session. in Camden all that's needed is a few over the odds and they are all over you with the freebies.
Included - get this - flip-flops! For the drunken bints in high heels who keep falling over. What's wrong with bare feet? Worked in my day. Are we getting soft or just soft in the head? Get too many down and you should be getting them all back up again behind the pub, feeling rubbish and hoping you get a taxi not a lift with the law to the local nick.
A night in the cells being woken every thirty minutes is the room service of choice for the over-imbiber in Newcastle. Not coffee and a bickie off some nice posh lady from the local council. Course we do breed them hard up there " where the men are men and the women are men" but in these days of austerity measures perhaps cutting down on the alcopops may be the way to go.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Simply The Best
Did you cry then? When they slid out of that hole like toothpaste? Just a little tear pricking at the edge of an eye.No? Must be fibbing. Anyone who watched even one of the amazing rescues yesterday had to be totally awed by the event.
And immensely proud. Of the miners themselves, who survived in the dark for weeks before contact was made. They stayed sane. How? Most of us would have been screaming, raging, or laid catatonic with terror, but they rationed out the tuna, two spoons and a sip of milk every 48hours, and waited for rescue.
They knew attempts would be made, if only to bring out the bodies. What we saw in the end was human achievement at its finest. We were never better. We brought back our own, through ingenuity and hard work. Praise God if you like, say he gave the engineers their skills and the miners their courage. Call it a miracle, no one will take offence.
But look to the people who really did this remarkable thing. At a time when we are all so ready to slag off humanity for wrecking the planet, this is a time to be proud of the best among us.
And immensely proud. Of the miners themselves, who survived in the dark for weeks before contact was made. They stayed sane. How? Most of us would have been screaming, raging, or laid catatonic with terror, but they rationed out the tuna, two spoons and a sip of milk every 48hours, and waited for rescue.
They knew attempts would be made, if only to bring out the bodies. What we saw in the end was human achievement at its finest. We were never better. We brought back our own, through ingenuity and hard work. Praise God if you like, say he gave the engineers their skills and the miners their courage. Call it a miracle, no one will take offence.
But look to the people who really did this remarkable thing. At a time when we are all so ready to slag off humanity for wrecking the planet, this is a time to be proud of the best among us.
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Lotto calling yooooo
One thing's certain - it's not me! That £113m is not lying lost and forlorn, crying out for a happy home in my bank account. It's not me it's calling for, because knowing the odds of winning the lottery are 14m to 1, I gave it a miss from the start.
But somebody out there is a fan. And boy, have they come up trumps big time. As yet though, they are blissfully unaware. Could even be worrying where the next pack of fags is coming from. Or how they will feed the cat.
They may be exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu, as part of their world trip. Or sailing their 500ft yacht off Marbella. Too busy quaffing champagne to check. Could be out of touch on an oil rig. Or down a Bolivian mine. Anywhere but claiming the cash from Camelot. Earing £8,500 a day in interest.
This person is the 589th richest in Britain and has no idea. May be they are even now ripping the sofa apart to find the ticket. Seems they could still claim if they say where they bought it and when. Assuming they get out of intensive care after the heart attack. ..
But somebody out there is a fan. And boy, have they come up trumps big time. As yet though, they are blissfully unaware. Could even be worrying where the next pack of fags is coming from. Or how they will feed the cat.
They may be exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu, as part of their world trip. Or sailing their 500ft yacht off Marbella. Too busy quaffing champagne to check. Could be out of touch on an oil rig. Or down a Bolivian mine. Anywhere but claiming the cash from Camelot. Earing £8,500 a day in interest.
This person is the 589th richest in Britain and has no idea. May be they are even now ripping the sofa apart to find the ticket. Seems they could still claim if they say where they bought it and when. Assuming they get out of intensive care after the heart attack. ..
Sunday 10 October 2010
Depp Disappointment
Johnny darling what are you doing? Turning up at a school? Fantastic for the kids but clearly, totally wasted on them. You are just a nice actor guy dressed up in a lot of weird kit to them. Looking a bit orange, if truth be told. Imagine when they went home and told mum.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
" WHAAAT!!! Johnny Depp? The real Johnny Depp? Is he still there? Where's me make-up. Can't find my fat-busting knickers! Why didn't anyone TELL ME???" Gut wrenching to be the mum of a kid whose been close enough to smell Johnny Depp and not had a whiff of him yourself.
Friend's teenage daughter gave Johnny a phone guide to nearby Framlingham Castle. Took his money. Did it make the till? Anyone sensible would've made it into a necklace worn close to the heart. Always.
Don't care if he looks a bit poncey for South London in all his film gear. So what if he's a bit heavy on the eyeliner? The man is magic to any mum over 40 and we would all happily prostrate ourselves before him were he to grace us with as much as a glance.
Husband reckons Johnny wouldn't trust himself next to one such as moi, being a happily married man and all. How kind. Just wish he'd take the chance, that's all.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Fun Among the Test Tubes
Hamsters, there, smiling already! Is there anything funnier than one on a wheel with a face full of food? They eat till their eyes pop out and then stuff in some more. Delight - wait for the pop!
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Hamsters, even those stuck in a sarnie by Freddie Starr, are comical. Only downside is they live two years tops, so it's a heavy burden on a toddler to find one dead before breakfast.
Other than that they come highly recommended, none more so than Tischa, pal of Nobel prizewinner Andre Geim. They wrote a scientific paper together. proving the Prof's theory that any odd thing can be magnetic, including pet hamsters and that other comedy favourite, frogs.
Don't you just love a lab-man with a sense of humour? Bum-numb boring in there without it. Must be great working with that Prof, a rare animal himself being a brilliant scientific genius with a happy sense of the rediculous. I'd say that's more attractive than any magnet.
Tuesday 5 October 2010
With or Without?
All the pretty boys are at it. Even David Beckham - wearing specs for fun that is. Makes them look just a little bit sweet and vulnerable. Aaaah! As one who would regularly stop fire engines while waiting for a bus I have to ask - why? Who would willingly wear the things if they didn't have to?
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Fought it for years. Even when the loony school nurse yelled:" You'll go blind!" Surely she's thinking of something else? The eye man wanted to know where I'd parked the guide dog. So to go to Top shop and buy specs you don't need, just to look better, that's like booze without alcohol - pointless.
Are the boys afraid of making eye-contact? Would the girlies guess what they'd been up to if they could see deep into their big, brown eyes? And surely they are the first thing to come off anyway? Maybe missing something here, but while a blindfold could be seriously sexy, specs, I reckon, are not.
Saturday 2 October 2010
Booze, Books and Laughs
Got the beers, biscuits and pot noodle. Oh, and fridge and the huge tin of toffees. Sorted! That's the boy off to uni then. His needs are few and simple. Take care of the booze and the books can take care of themselves.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
Got a lot to lug, so we bought a top box for the car. Wish we'd had it when the kids were young and we were still bringing the bread machine. Thinking about it we could have stuffed the kids in the top box, wedged them all in easily. And the dog. We could have listened to Radio Three.
Actually that might be the best way to bring the boy. Leave wrapped in his duvet, bundle him aboard and he can sleep his way there. That's probably how he'll spend the next three years, give or take a lecture or two. Hope stays awake long enough to fit in some laughs, loads and loads of those.
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Lovely Lolly for Jamie
Mums" hero Jamie Oliver versus mucky-mouth Gordon Ramsay. One has Michelin stars, the other is minting it. One shouts and bawls on the box, the other weeps bitter tears, but guess who is coining it in? It's Jamie all the way.
While Ramsay lost money in the recession, Oliver saw profits rise to £37m, up from £20m two years ago. Does it for me. Despite the fact that our kids think Jamie has Downs Syndrome he is clearly a very clever operator.
He's also a nice guy. Over in the States he cried when his lovely food went to waste and the school dinner ladies blanked him. Fat, unhealthy kids worry him so he does something about it. Not like the lardy- arses who reckon turkey twizzlers are just fine and dandy.
Setting up his 15 Restaurant staffed by kids on the dole he would get them out of bed and give them a lift to work. Often frustrated and deeply fed-up, he listened and cajoled and turned their lives around. So he's making millions - well who wouldn't bank on Jamie?
While Ramsay lost money in the recession, Oliver saw profits rise to £37m, up from £20m two years ago. Does it for me. Despite the fact that our kids think Jamie has Downs Syndrome he is clearly a very clever operator.
He's also a nice guy. Over in the States he cried when his lovely food went to waste and the school dinner ladies blanked him. Fat, unhealthy kids worry him so he does something about it. Not like the lardy- arses who reckon turkey twizzlers are just fine and dandy.
Setting up his 15 Restaurant staffed by kids on the dole he would get them out of bed and give them a lift to work. Often frustrated and deeply fed-up, he listened and cajoled and turned their lives around. So he's making millions - well who wouldn't bank on Jamie?
Sunday 26 September 2010
Aliens this way!
So they've got a nice pretty lady from Singapore Airlines to sort out the aliens. Phew that's a relief! Actually she's an astro-physicist from the UN, but they'd snap her up on the planes because she looks so friendly, and really, that's all you want, with aliens.
It's this Take Me To Your Leader thing. Nobody knew who that was, so they trollied out Malaysian Mazlan Othman, and she's obviously made for the job. Can't tell you how happy that makes me! What if they landed here? The dog would go mental for a start, give it a lick and then probably drop dead because it'd be like those Amazonian frogs, covered on poison.
Me, I'd be offering a cup of tea. Is that what they like? Should it really be wine, or beer or even bleach? What about deisel? Cut off a bit of hose and let it suck it out of the truck? Does it even go in that end? Who's to know?
Bit of a minefield. You wouldn't want to get it wrong. Or laugh. Our dog is the closest thing to an alien in this house and even he has his dignity. Hates being laughed at. That I do know, though all else is a closed book. Swear he understands us a much better than we him.
Those aliens will be cleverer than us, having come all this way just on Sat-Nav. They should suss who to speak to before they land but it's sure be a case of: "All our lines are busy at the moment, however we do value your call...."
It's this Take Me To Your Leader thing. Nobody knew who that was, so they trollied out Malaysian Mazlan Othman, and she's obviously made for the job. Can't tell you how happy that makes me! What if they landed here? The dog would go mental for a start, give it a lick and then probably drop dead because it'd be like those Amazonian frogs, covered on poison.
Me, I'd be offering a cup of tea. Is that what they like? Should it really be wine, or beer or even bleach? What about deisel? Cut off a bit of hose and let it suck it out of the truck? Does it even go in that end? Who's to know?
Bit of a minefield. You wouldn't want to get it wrong. Or laugh. Our dog is the closest thing to an alien in this house and even he has his dignity. Hates being laughed at. That I do know, though all else is a closed book. Swear he understands us a much better than we him.
Those aliens will be cleverer than us, having come all this way just on Sat-Nav. They should suss who to speak to before they land but it's sure be a case of: "All our lines are busy at the moment, however we do value your call...."
Friday 24 September 2010
Your Turn Now Boys!
Come to the end of the rope, we really have. We've stuffed jelly in our chests, poison in our faces, needles in our lips and ripped out every hair. Now they tell us to have fat injected into our bums. "it's attractive to men" says a top plastic surgeon. He'll hide the scar in " the grand canyon" Ouch! So that's alright then.
Enough! What about the sloppy, hairy, ugly men out there? What are they doing for US? Guys, time to sort those moobs, fat is bad and wrinkly worse. Lipo that paunch and those love handles - we don't need something to get hold of. Not true, we do and yes, size does count. We'd like hair on the head. No shoulders, ears or, God help us, noses. Apart from all that, we're not fussy.
Seems these days it's the ladies who do all the running. Boys sit back and bask , convinced every babe is gagging for it, despite the beer guts and builders' bum. And as long as we listen to megga-rich plastic surgeons telling us to model ourselves on sex-shop dolls they might well be right.
Enough! What about the sloppy, hairy, ugly men out there? What are they doing for US? Guys, time to sort those moobs, fat is bad and wrinkly worse. Lipo that paunch and those love handles - we don't need something to get hold of. Not true, we do and yes, size does count. We'd like hair on the head. No shoulders, ears or, God help us, noses. Apart from all that, we're not fussy.
Seems these days it's the ladies who do all the running. Boys sit back and bask , convinced every babe is gagging for it, despite the beer guts and builders' bum. And as long as we listen to megga-rich plastic surgeons telling us to model ourselves on sex-shop dolls they might well be right.
Thursday 23 September 2010
A Battle Too Far
There's a war on. and the debt is piling up, but some things matter so much more - like kerb appeal. The council's green bins are ruining it for Judie Chisholm in Paignton, Devon. She is so seriously miffed by the bins that she is suing the council for five grand. Absolutely, Julie, hear, hear, those bins are an outrage.
They've totally lowered the tone of her property. They've "wrecked all kerb appeal in one fell swoop, " she claims. Terribly hard to bear. How can she sleep at night, knowing the horrible thing is out there and there isn't a cat's cuss she can do about it? Apart from claim the cash that is.
How we all feel for her. Our two brown and two grey bins are a source of real heartache. How we weep at the sight of them! So big, so ugly so, well, useful! Perhaps the council should just take away the bin if Judie hates it so much. Big bags on the front lawn are so much more attractive, especially after the local moggies have dined al fresco.
They've totally lowered the tone of her property. They've "wrecked all kerb appeal in one fell swoop, " she claims. Terribly hard to bear. How can she sleep at night, knowing the horrible thing is out there and there isn't a cat's cuss she can do about it? Apart from claim the cash that is.
How we all feel for her. Our two brown and two grey bins are a source of real heartache. How we weep at the sight of them! So big, so ugly so, well, useful! Perhaps the council should just take away the bin if Judie hates it so much. Big bags on the front lawn are so much more attractive, especially after the local moggies have dined al fresco.
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Grin and Bare it Hilary
Facelift or forget it? it's a tough one Hilary! Go under the knife or take hammer from a hostile press. La Clinton was never the best looking in the presidential family but she always made the most of what she had. Now she's sporting the Croydon facelift - that's a great big clip hauling back her hair and hopefully her jawline too.
The dilemma is acute for powerful types. Everyone knows that nip and tuck tells more about your state of mind than your pretty face. Alpha females are supposed to be above all that superficial nonsense, they have more important things to think about. Like taking the stage at the UN General Assembly.
If Hilary sneaks off to a Californian uber-surgeon everyone will know and think her dreadfully insecure. So she is putting on a brave face and dragging the hair back to expose every line and wrinkle. She's doing it with nothing more than a lot of lippy and a wide grin and she looks fantastic. That's telling them!
The dilemma is acute for powerful types. Everyone knows that nip and tuck tells more about your state of mind than your pretty face. Alpha females are supposed to be above all that superficial nonsense, they have more important things to think about. Like taking the stage at the UN General Assembly.
If Hilary sneaks off to a Californian uber-surgeon everyone will know and think her dreadfully insecure. So she is putting on a brave face and dragging the hair back to expose every line and wrinkle. She's doing it with nothing more than a lot of lippy and a wide grin and she looks fantastic. That's telling them!
Monday 20 September 2010
Do It Like This
Salut Philippe Croizon! Put him up on the tallest pedestal so we can all bow before him. This is a man with no arms or legs, who is unable to brush his own teeth, wipe the snot from his nose or the tears from his eyes. Yet he has just swum the Channel in 13 hours.
This is a man who lost his limbs in an horrific accident. He suffered an electric shock taking an aerial from a roof. Who could bear the helplessness ? Not many.
Philippe was 26 when the worst happened, in the prime of life. This weekend he tackled his incredible challenge in a snorkel and flippers. Swimming alongside him were three dolphins, happy to keep him company. They are seen as a sign of good luck.
With courage like this who needs luck? Since his accident 16 years ago Philippe has also made a parachute jump and written a book called Jai Decide de Vivre or I Decided to Live. He shows us the way.
This is a man who lost his limbs in an horrific accident. He suffered an electric shock taking an aerial from a roof. Who could bear the helplessness ? Not many.
Philippe was 26 when the worst happened, in the prime of life. This weekend he tackled his incredible challenge in a snorkel and flippers. Swimming alongside him were three dolphins, happy to keep him company. They are seen as a sign of good luck.
With courage like this who needs luck? Since his accident 16 years ago Philippe has also made a parachute jump and written a book called Jai Decide de Vivre or I Decided to Live. He shows us the way.
Sunday 19 September 2010
Sizzling sex? It's in the bag
How to spice up the sex life? Let's slather on the Brasso, wrap up in cling film and hang upside down from the door frame while getting whacked on the arse with a wet sock. Shove a soldering iron up the snozz. Or somewhere else. Why be fussy, it's all so much FUN.
What goes on in the wide world of sexual excitement is surely a wonder to behold. Got me gobsmacked. Why would anyone tidy the kitchen, strip off and squeeze into a North Face holdall. Why? What gave the GCHQ guy Gareth Williams the idea? Did he get back from a spying trip one day, look longingly at his luggage and think: "I would sooo love just to climb in there for a bit of me time!"
Is that what happens when your bags go missing at Heathrow? Somebody is having sex in your Samsonite? Is there a fan mag for folk who get into bags big time? Gives a whole new meaning to undo my zipper. Except that he couldn't. Undo the zipper that is, from the inside. An escape artist proved you need a sharp pen for the job, otherwise you suffocate. Gives you a huge high, the lack of oxygen. Before you die.
Sounds dangerous to me. Going to have to stick to the boring old bin-bags, oranges and fishnet tights. With a dead goldfish and a Pritt Stick. Bring it on!
What goes on in the wide world of sexual excitement is surely a wonder to behold. Got me gobsmacked. Why would anyone tidy the kitchen, strip off and squeeze into a North Face holdall. Why? What gave the GCHQ guy Gareth Williams the idea? Did he get back from a spying trip one day, look longingly at his luggage and think: "I would sooo love just to climb in there for a bit of me time!"
Is that what happens when your bags go missing at Heathrow? Somebody is having sex in your Samsonite? Is there a fan mag for folk who get into bags big time? Gives a whole new meaning to undo my zipper. Except that he couldn't. Undo the zipper that is, from the inside. An escape artist proved you need a sharp pen for the job, otherwise you suffocate. Gives you a huge high, the lack of oxygen. Before you die.
Sounds dangerous to me. Going to have to stick to the boring old bin-bags, oranges and fishnet tights. With a dead goldfish and a Pritt Stick. Bring it on!
Saturday 18 September 2010
Eternal Youth in a Tub
Eat ice cream and stay young - just who's pulling whose tiddler here? And the science seems so solid! Well, that's alright then, we can all scoff tubloads of the stuff in the doo-lally belief that we will all be eternal teenagers.
Unilever is working with scientists in the sunshine state of California, land of botox bimbos, to bring us the technology. It's all based on anti-oxidants. Supposed to help slow down the ageing process. They are everywhere, especially in fresh fruit and veg.
That doesn't float the boat for some. They'd rather have their creamy complexion from a plastic tub. Stuff your face or slap it on, it's all the same to them. The bad news is that the ice-cream will be at least five years in the making. Maybe by then we will all have come to our senses. Doubt it.
Unilever is working with scientists in the sunshine state of California, land of botox bimbos, to bring us the technology. It's all based on anti-oxidants. Supposed to help slow down the ageing process. They are everywhere, especially in fresh fruit and veg.
That doesn't float the boat for some. They'd rather have their creamy complexion from a plastic tub. Stuff your face or slap it on, it's all the same to them. The bad news is that the ice-cream will be at least five years in the making. Maybe by then we will all have come to our senses. Doubt it.
Thursday 16 September 2010
Mates, Dates, Pets and Plants
Gain a lover lose a friend - just tell us what we don't know! Big brains have been studying this one and it's come as a huge surprise. "We have quite literally only just discovered it," says Prof. Robin Dunbar of Oxford. Where has he been hiding?
He reckons we have six close friends and lose a couple with every relationship. What about Facebook? Social networkers beg to differ. They must have at least 100. My tally would be be embarrassing. That's because old school mates crawling out of the woodwork shouting "Reunion!" send me rushing to the garden shed. Some pals are part of the past for a reason. Dumped, pure and simple. Don't need to meet up to compare kids, careers, or wrinkles.
Sound harsh? Sorry, but that's life. Mind you, I'm quite the party animal compared to the prof who says our friends don't have to be real people. A pet, a soap star or even a plant will do. Aspidistra or Avatar, it's all the same to him.
He reckons we have six close friends and lose a couple with every relationship. What about Facebook? Social networkers beg to differ. They must have at least 100. My tally would be be embarrassing. That's because old school mates crawling out of the woodwork shouting "Reunion!" send me rushing to the garden shed. Some pals are part of the past for a reason. Dumped, pure and simple. Don't need to meet up to compare kids, careers, or wrinkles.
Sound harsh? Sorry, but that's life. Mind you, I'm quite the party animal compared to the prof who says our friends don't have to be real people. A pet, a soap star or even a plant will do. Aspidistra or Avatar, it's all the same to him.
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Georgie Porgie Doing Porridge
George Michael's waking up in a prison cell today. Probably sitting there signing autographs.Chances are he's in for a cushy number because he'll only do four weeks of the eight week stint he got for crashing his car while stoned on cannabis. Didn't stop the fans weeping outside the court.
Wonder if he is crying now? I met him as a young guy on the edge of the big-time. He was sitting in his white, fluffy dressing gown - really ! - in his mum's house in Bushey, Hertfordshire. Didn't speak a word. Not because he was having some sort of hissy fit but because he had a sore throat and was supposed to rest it, so he had to write his answers down. Slowed the flow a bit.
George was one of the prettiest boys I'd clapped eyes on , but I reckon his interests lay elsewhere. Certainly had talent, but the next time I saw him he in the bar at a Rolling Stones gig, all on his lonesome nursing a pint. Hardly looked the superstar.
Maybe prison will sort his demons. Help him see his way forward because there can't be much further to fall.
Wonder if he is crying now? I met him as a young guy on the edge of the big-time. He was sitting in his white, fluffy dressing gown - really ! - in his mum's house in Bushey, Hertfordshire. Didn't speak a word. Not because he was having some sort of hissy fit but because he had a sore throat and was supposed to rest it, so he had to write his answers down. Slowed the flow a bit.
George was one of the prettiest boys I'd clapped eyes on , but I reckon his interests lay elsewhere. Certainly had talent, but the next time I saw him he in the bar at a Rolling Stones gig, all on his lonesome nursing a pint. Hardly looked the superstar.
Maybe prison will sort his demons. Help him see his way forward because there can't be much further to fall.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Gaga's Slaughterhouse Chic
Lady Gaga's prancing about like a sausage in search of a frying pan! Was that meat outfit real - or just a clever look-alike? How did they sew it together? And, if it was real , what about the SMELL!!! Fresh raw meat has it's own special ambience. Eau de abattoir. Slapped up against a hot human body it would surely start to assert itself?
Did seem to be a waste of a good meal, but as a veggie I'd go for lettuce leaves. Each to his own. Raw steak in the hair might be brilliant for condition or bloody awful.
The Gaga was apparently making a point about women being treated like meat on a slab. Fair play to her. But why did the outfit have to be so short, so clingy and with frilly bits of fat decorating the crotch area like so much expensive lace? It was actually quite glam in a car crash sort of way. Doubt if it will catch on. We won't be raiding the butchers for scrag end of lamb or a nice bit of belly pork any time soon.
Did seem to be a waste of a good meal, but as a veggie I'd go for lettuce leaves. Each to his own. Raw steak in the hair might be brilliant for condition or bloody awful.
The Gaga was apparently making a point about women being treated like meat on a slab. Fair play to her. But why did the outfit have to be so short, so clingy and with frilly bits of fat decorating the crotch area like so much expensive lace? It was actually quite glam in a car crash sort of way. Doubt if it will catch on. We won't be raiding the butchers for scrag end of lamb or a nice bit of belly pork any time soon.
Friday 10 September 2010
Couple of Northern Lights
Scallywags and shysters the lot of them! The Northern lasses have been flushed down the netty by their men again. Cheryl Cole dumped her husband only to see her brother in court today accused of robbing a post office. Armed robbery! Is there not enough cash swilling around in that family that he takes a gun to get his giro?
Gorgeous Cheryl mixes with the rich and famous but she can't choose her kin. "Sorry wor lass!" is unlikely to cut it. Andrew Tweedy will be weeping into his pint of Newcie Broon as he kisses goodbye to that Ferrari he fancied for Christmas.
What about Colleen? Some might argue it's better he paid for it, rather than start up a meaningful relationship. Some might. Whatever, the girls will be fine. They are both beautiful and well able to earn their own cash. Do we feel sorry for them? Are you kidding?
Gorgeous Cheryl mixes with the rich and famous but she can't choose her kin. "Sorry wor lass!" is unlikely to cut it. Andrew Tweedy will be weeping into his pint of Newcie Broon as he kisses goodbye to that Ferrari he fancied for Christmas.
What about Colleen? Some might argue it's better he paid for it, rather than start up a meaningful relationship. Some might. Whatever, the girls will be fine. They are both beautiful and well able to earn their own cash. Do we feel sorry for them? Are you kidding?
Thursday 9 September 2010
Firth Film Speaks Volumes
Colin Firth is making a film about stammering. Thank God we won't have to hear him sing! Or maybe we will. Sometimes people who struggle to speak try to sing it instead.
Should be hilarious. Anyone who says they haven't fought the giggles as someone wey-heys and barks while clawing desperately for consonants is lying through their smooth-talking teeth. It IS funny, in a horrible, gut-clenching, embarrassing sort of way. Comedy would be dead if nobody poked fun any more.
But I bet this is one of the bravest films we'll watch this year. The King's Speech is already winning standing ovations and is tipped for a Best Picture Oscar. Haven't seen it yet but I hope it wins. Everyone who goes out there every day and carries on trying while we hide our smiles behind our hands deserves a medal or at least our understanding. Nice one Colin.
Should be hilarious. Anyone who says they haven't fought the giggles as someone wey-heys and barks while clawing desperately for consonants is lying through their smooth-talking teeth. It IS funny, in a horrible, gut-clenching, embarrassing sort of way. Comedy would be dead if nobody poked fun any more.
But I bet this is one of the bravest films we'll watch this year. The King's Speech is already winning standing ovations and is tipped for a Best Picture Oscar. Haven't seen it yet but I hope it wins. Everyone who goes out there every day and carries on trying while we hide our smiles behind our hands deserves a medal or at least our understanding. Nice one Colin.
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Bombs Making a Come Back
Shambolic being our middle name, how did we ever win the war? Only ask because a guy has found an unexploded grenade in his garden, a relic from a British PoW camp. Ignoring the fact that the bozo was hell-bent on defusing it himself - being a plumber he considered himself qualified - how did a live grenade end up in one of our camps?
Did we search these lads before offering them home comforts for the duration of the conflict? Plenty have fond memories of working on local farms and the Italians even left their dopey graffiti, "hello I love you." Ever the romantics.
The RAF came to the rescue of metal detector man, no harm done. Which could so easily not have been the case for little Brendan Shannon, 8, who found a bomb dumped in his playground and took it in for show and tell. Loyalists have apparently claimed responsibility. Are they proud of themselves?
Did we search these lads before offering them home comforts for the duration of the conflict? Plenty have fond memories of working on local farms and the Italians even left their dopey graffiti, "hello I love you." Ever the romantics.
The RAF came to the rescue of metal detector man, no harm done. Which could so easily not have been the case for little Brendan Shannon, 8, who found a bomb dumped in his playground and took it in for show and tell. Loyalists have apparently claimed responsibility. Are they proud of themselves?
Monday 6 September 2010
Dave and Ed Head to Head
David, Ed, Balls and all - who really gives a toss about the Labour lot? Does anyone give a monkeys who gets it? Life in the Milliband household must be fraught though. "Now boys behave - stop bashing your brother with that cricket bat!" Must go on all the time.
The lads both want it so badly. Why? What chance has either of them got of getting a look in, with Dave and Cleggie running the shop? Then there's Ballsie saying he was the real brains and Gordon glowering in the backround, monumental intellect and all. Sometimes think they are all wafting about cloud cuckoo land thinking they still matter and that we are all really, really excited about it all. Frankly the contents of my ear canal would be a lot more fascinating.
The lads both want it so badly. Why? What chance has either of them got of getting a look in, with Dave and Cleggie running the shop? Then there's Ballsie saying he was the real brains and Gordon glowering in the backround, monumental intellect and all. Sometimes think they are all wafting about cloud cuckoo land thinking they still matter and that we are all really, really excited about it all. Frankly the contents of my ear canal would be a lot more fascinating.
Saturday 4 September 2010
formula for Fun
That's blown it! Today I learned I'm too old to win a medal for maths. Damn! Left it too late. You have to be under 40 to win a Fields medal from the International Mathematical Union. Nobody told me. They didn't shout about that one, did they?
Young Arran Fernandez is 15 and he starts at Cambridge this month, after a stonking performance in his A levels. He has plenty of time, getting GCSE A* out of the way when he was five. I was still playing with teddies and mud pies at that age. Big mistake.
Why this rush to do everything so young? Most of us will live two-thirds of our lives after the age of 30. Not all of that will be spent drooling or running down cats with the mobility scooter. Brilliant French mathematician Evariste Galois was killed aged 20 in a fight over a woman. A bit older and he'd have walked away from that one. Working on the probability that there would be another along soon.
It's possible to be young, gifted, a whiz at maths and daft as a brush. Good luck to Arran, hope he gets the prize, but be even better if he has a totally amazing time.
Young Arran Fernandez is 15 and he starts at Cambridge this month, after a stonking performance in his A levels. He has plenty of time, getting GCSE A* out of the way when he was five. I was still playing with teddies and mud pies at that age. Big mistake.
Why this rush to do everything so young? Most of us will live two-thirds of our lives after the age of 30. Not all of that will be spent drooling or running down cats with the mobility scooter. Brilliant French mathematician Evariste Galois was killed aged 20 in a fight over a woman. A bit older and he'd have walked away from that one. Working on the probability that there would be another along soon.
It's possible to be young, gifted, a whiz at maths and daft as a brush. Good luck to Arran, hope he gets the prize, but be even better if he has a totally amazing time.
Saturday 28 August 2010
Burkha Brigade and Black Looks at Airport
Burkhas - which way do you swing? About to board a plane, the question becomes a bit more pressing when faced with four figures in black. As the man in security said: "Could be a woman, man or a monkey - how would i know?"
Plenty of passengers trying- and failing - to look unconcerned. Then we get to the bit where you put your belt in a box and hope your pants don't fall down. The burkha brigade are called to one side. Palpable relief all round.
Beneath the black you can feel them bristle. "Is it coz I's Muslim?" No, you dipstick, it's because you are trying to take two flasks of tea onto the plane with you! Along with a mini suitcase full of make-up. These girls sure like to slap up in their spare time.
Security man starts to lose patience as they insist on holding onto their drinks. "You were asked about liquids at check-in!" he explains as he confiscates the stuff. She gets most of her make-up through though, thankfully to Quatar, which I have no intention of visiting any time soon.
What is it with these people? Has the irony escaped them that it was one of their own fundamentalists who almost blew his balls off trying to mix explosives in his lap? That's the reason we have these rules pal, nothing to do with religion.
Plenty of passengers trying- and failing - to look unconcerned. Then we get to the bit where you put your belt in a box and hope your pants don't fall down. The burkha brigade are called to one side. Palpable relief all round.
Beneath the black you can feel them bristle. "Is it coz I's Muslim?" No, you dipstick, it's because you are trying to take two flasks of tea onto the plane with you! Along with a mini suitcase full of make-up. These girls sure like to slap up in their spare time.
Security man starts to lose patience as they insist on holding onto their drinks. "You were asked about liquids at check-in!" he explains as he confiscates the stuff. She gets most of her make-up through though, thankfully to Quatar, which I have no intention of visiting any time soon.
What is it with these people? Has the irony escaped them that it was one of their own fundamentalists who almost blew his balls off trying to mix explosives in his lap? That's the reason we have these rules pal, nothing to do with religion.
Thursday 26 August 2010
Bit Batty or What
Been a good year for bats! That pleases me. I like bats. I love their silent flight and their sonar. I even like their waxy, leathery wings. So to hear that a bad winter for us is good for them makes me feel that being snowed up at Gatwick for three days was worth it - almost. Bats need a cold winter to hibernate properly. I have no trouble hibernating.
I'd like to be a bat, I'll happily come back as a vampire, but being a veggie, fruit would probably suit me best, whatever. It's probably got a lot to do with the Twilight trilogy. I could SO fancy getting bitten by a sexy vamp and then living an everlasting and beautiful life.
Soul or no soul, sounds good to me. But if such things do exist - and I'm not writing them off because that would kill a favourite fantasy stone dead - then the sexy Vampboy has left it way too late - about 30 years or so - and if he turns up now I'll be so mad I'll send him screaming into the night!
I'd like to be a bat, I'll happily come back as a vampire, but being a veggie, fruit would probably suit me best, whatever. It's probably got a lot to do with the Twilight trilogy. I could SO fancy getting bitten by a sexy vamp and then living an everlasting and beautiful life.
Soul or no soul, sounds good to me. But if such things do exist - and I'm not writing them off because that would kill a favourite fantasy stone dead - then the sexy Vampboy has left it way too late - about 30 years or so - and if he turns up now I'll be so mad I'll send him screaming into the night!
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Rugger Shirker Wussed Out
Now we know.Those huge, hunky rugger players are just cute and cuddly pussy cats. All that pushing, shoving, sliding for miles in the mud, heaving at drawers and hoiking high into the air is just so much show. They are big softies inside.
How else do we explain the latest hoo-ha where a player bit on a blood capsule to fake an injury and then, when the officials called his bluff, shouted at the team doctor until she cut his lip to make it real? The doctor's in court, fair enough, but you have to wonder at the mettle of the man.
A lot of flat noses and cauliflower ears would suggest a fracas or two. A bit of blood seems to be par for the pitch. They shrug it off. So what stopped Tom Williams? He wussed out, that's what, and demanded someone else do the dirty work.
Games gone down the pan. Rugby used to be a sport for gentlemen, even if they were built like a block of flats and just about as pretty. Some of them were very bright too. Not looking so clever now.
How else do we explain the latest hoo-ha where a player bit on a blood capsule to fake an injury and then, when the officials called his bluff, shouted at the team doctor until she cut his lip to make it real? The doctor's in court, fair enough, but you have to wonder at the mettle of the man.
A lot of flat noses and cauliflower ears would suggest a fracas or two. A bit of blood seems to be par for the pitch. They shrug it off. So what stopped Tom Williams? He wussed out, that's what, and demanded someone else do the dirty work.
Games gone down the pan. Rugby used to be a sport for gentlemen, even if they were built like a block of flats and just about as pretty. Some of them were very bright too. Not looking so clever now.
Monday 23 August 2010
Anybody Out There?
Are they for real? Don't mess with the singers on X factor! It's because they are crap that we watch . Now there's an Auto Tune device that keeps everyone on key - disaster! Nobody wants them in tune, that's why Jedward are making millions.
We want to hear Somewhere Over The Rainbow and the first two notes are the same. It's brilliant when Simon pulls a face and their eyes go wide with shock as he tells them they can"t sing. Once they get good we still watch, but the oomph has gone out of it.
Makes you wonder if there is a real world out there. What with airbrushing pics and fixing dud notes, not to mention running your avatar football club and paying proper money for players. Does anybody actually exist anymore or are we all pretend people? I might be the only one left - hello?
We want to hear Somewhere Over The Rainbow and the first two notes are the same. It's brilliant when Simon pulls a face and their eyes go wide with shock as he tells them they can"t sing. Once they get good we still watch, but the oomph has gone out of it.
Makes you wonder if there is a real world out there. What with airbrushing pics and fixing dud notes, not to mention running your avatar football club and paying proper money for players. Does anybody actually exist anymore or are we all pretend people? I might be the only one left - hello?
Saturday 21 August 2010
Just a load of Soy sauce?
What to do with a dead granny? Time was when the choice was between burial or cremation, the only frisson being maybe the medical school option, but mostly it was a done deal. How times change! Now variety is the spice of death, especially in the east where morbid has taken on a whole new meaning
Japan has always chosen its own cultural path and to hear that one guy is carrying the bones of his dead mum around in a rucksack somehow fails to surprise. He needed the pension, so this seemed a good idea. And he is not alone. The Japanese pride themselves on the longevity of their citizens and the accuracy of their records. Bit of doubt creeping in there now.
Partygoers keen to celebrate the 111th birthday of Tokyo's oldest man were disappointed to find his dessicated remains in the attic, the minor detail of a stopped heart failing to prevent Sogen Kato from collecting his pension for 30 years .
Undaunted, the celebrations switched to the oldest woman, only to find the party pooped again by the fact that she has not been seen for five decades. You wouldn't mind, but they told us that everyone over there lived long and happy lives on sushi and soya and we've been stuffing ourselves with the the dreadful stuff ever since.
Japan has always chosen its own cultural path and to hear that one guy is carrying the bones of his dead mum around in a rucksack somehow fails to surprise. He needed the pension, so this seemed a good idea. And he is not alone. The Japanese pride themselves on the longevity of their citizens and the accuracy of their records. Bit of doubt creeping in there now.
Partygoers keen to celebrate the 111th birthday of Tokyo's oldest man were disappointed to find his dessicated remains in the attic, the minor detail of a stopped heart failing to prevent Sogen Kato from collecting his pension for 30 years .
Undaunted, the celebrations switched to the oldest woman, only to find the party pooped again by the fact that she has not been seen for five decades. You wouldn't mind, but they told us that everyone over there lived long and happy lives on sushi and soya and we've been stuffing ourselves with the the dreadful stuff ever since.
Thursday 19 August 2010
Gandalf Takes to the Skies
First we had volcanoes now it's a vulture causing havoc in the skies. Pilots have been told to beware of Gandalf, a seven-year-old bird with a 10 foot wing span. Just imagine glancing out of the cockpit to see THAT coming along broadside!
Gandalf was strutting her stuff at the World of Wings display in Lanarkshire when she got a bit bored and decided to explore. She's not been sighted since. Not surprising. If they can't get the sex right on somthing that size, then really, why should a girl stick around?
I hope she's half-way to Africa by now, be no more than a stroll in the park to something with wings that wide. Still, it's a bit of a bother for those of us yet to take our summer break. In 1973 a plane hit one of her sort at 36,000 feet, cruising height, which is pretty impressive. The plane survived. I'd like to imaging Gandalf sitting on a branch with a few more of her kind doing a Jungle Book:" Whaddaya wanna do? I dunno, whaddaya wanna do? Don't start that again, " routine while sounding like Ringo Starr. Hope she makes it.
Gandalf was strutting her stuff at the World of Wings display in Lanarkshire when she got a bit bored and decided to explore. She's not been sighted since. Not surprising. If they can't get the sex right on somthing that size, then really, why should a girl stick around?
I hope she's half-way to Africa by now, be no more than a stroll in the park to something with wings that wide. Still, it's a bit of a bother for those of us yet to take our summer break. In 1973 a plane hit one of her sort at 36,000 feet, cruising height, which is pretty impressive. The plane survived. I'd like to imaging Gandalf sitting on a branch with a few more of her kind doing a Jungle Book:" Whaddaya wanna do? I dunno, whaddaya wanna do? Don't start that again, " routine while sounding like Ringo Starr. Hope she makes it.
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Ambushed by ads
Feeling slightly smug today. I spotted it you see. The ad, in the paper, the one that says "I"m homeless, will you help me?" It's usually tucked away on page 10, under some story nobody can be bothered to read. Then a bit later on, wham, there"s the big, full page jobbie, headlined:"Did you See John?" No, well get your wallet out and start caring you cold, heartless swine!
I never see them usually, but today, the sweet, little face struck a chord. I'd love to help, I really would, but I'm still not sending anything though, because yes, I do have a heart of stone and no, I don't like being ambushed like that. Every other page seems to be asking for my cash and while some causes are always on my list, kids and cancer mainly, others will have to wait their turn or I will be the one homeless. Is that uncaring? Maybe, but I do wonder at the cost of the ads they take out to tell me so.
I never see them usually, but today, the sweet, little face struck a chord. I'd love to help, I really would, but I'm still not sending anything though, because yes, I do have a heart of stone and no, I don't like being ambushed like that. Every other page seems to be asking for my cash and while some causes are always on my list, kids and cancer mainly, others will have to wait their turn or I will be the one homeless. Is that uncaring? Maybe, but I do wonder at the cost of the ads they take out to tell me so.
Sunday 15 August 2010
Misunderstood Masterpiece
One man's jackson is another man's pollocks, but Brighton seems to take all sorts. Arty farty is what they do best. I should know, lived there for ten years so can't help but sympathise with the council man who couldn't tell his art from his elbow.
Paul Chi and Miranda Jane Ryder spent ages laying out colourful silks so people could admire the effect from the sea front. Pleased as punch they popped off for a cup of tea and the street cleaner came by and threw the lot in the bin. Just a pile of tat to him.
It's a hard life being an artist. Not everybody gets it. Picasso had the same problem when he started up. Must have driven him spare. Still, it's nice to see a bit of healthy scepticism instead of " Wow! A filthy bed, that's so insightful!" nonsense.
Paul Chi and Miranda Jane Ryder spent ages laying out colourful silks so people could admire the effect from the sea front. Pleased as punch they popped off for a cup of tea and the street cleaner came by and threw the lot in the bin. Just a pile of tat to him.
It's a hard life being an artist. Not everybody gets it. Picasso had the same problem when he started up. Must have driven him spare. Still, it's nice to see a bit of healthy scepticism instead of " Wow! A filthy bed, that's so insightful!" nonsense.
Saturday 14 August 2010
Duchess Sarah is Midas in Reverse
Got to be Royal to get it really, really wrong! Go large and be damned is their motto. With them, nobody is a headcase, they are rolling, raving, rip your kit off, loony. Not just drunken uncles, it"s gurning granny lush with Bell's on.
But Sarah, she's a marvel isn't she? In the mire again. She's lost millions, found it and then, lost the lot! Skint! HOW? A million quid makes a block the size of a house. She's just gone down to the tune of £3.2m. The lass is a walking financial black hole. Why would anyone trust their cash to her a second time? Call yourself a duchess and the serfs shower you with their cash.
Andy, they used to call him Randy but she's knocked that right out of him, is at his wit's end. Bail the ex-wife out again. For the sake of the kids. She's a nice person, don't doubt it, but I wouldn't trust her to pay the parking meter. The car would be towed away by lunch time.
But Sarah, she's a marvel isn't she? In the mire again. She's lost millions, found it and then, lost the lot! Skint! HOW? A million quid makes a block the size of a house. She's just gone down to the tune of £3.2m. The lass is a walking financial black hole. Why would anyone trust their cash to her a second time? Call yourself a duchess and the serfs shower you with their cash.
Andy, they used to call him Randy but she's knocked that right out of him, is at his wit's end. Bail the ex-wife out again. For the sake of the kids. She's a nice person, don't doubt it, but I wouldn't trust her to pay the parking meter. The car would be towed away by lunch time.
Friday 13 August 2010
Goggling at Google
Wildlife photographers do it all the time - but Google? Was no one else amazed that the driver of the Google mapping car didn't stop to help a child lying flat out by the road? Did they see the kid lie down, have a giggle at her antics and then move off? Or was she already playing dead as they went past and, like the lads who work in the jungle, they left well alone as this was nature at work? I find it weird.
Nature though - didn't she put on a great show last night! Lying in the back garden I wasn't expecting very much then - wow! Massive, great, stella snowball out of nowhere! Stood there yelling with glee! Seeing the wide universe at work reveals how tiny you are. Strange how happy that makes you. Brings out the big kid every time.
Nature though - didn't she put on a great show last night! Lying in the back garden I wasn't expecting very much then - wow! Massive, great, stella snowball out of nowhere! Stood there yelling with glee! Seeing the wide universe at work reveals how tiny you are. Strange how happy that makes you. Brings out the big kid every time.
Thursday 12 August 2010
Give Tony's Tome a Swerve
Are you clamming to get your hands on Tony Blair's new book? No, me neither. The ramblings of a lying politician who took us into an illegal war are not on my must-have reading list.
Not everyone feels the same. Some poor souls will be queuing up at Waterstones in the hope of getting a signed copy from their hero. Well, best of luck because the chances are slim. Tony doesn't like his fans very much. He will not speak to them or have his pic taken, so don't even think about asking where the money went.
This is after checking in all bags, cameras and phones and waiting in a queue. For what is probably a dreadful book that tells us nothing new. Peter got there first. How about we all give the whole shebang a swerve and just leave him sitting there on his lonesome? Wouldn't that be peachy? He'd be looking around saying:" What did I do wrong?" Who wants to be the first to tell him?
Not everyone feels the same. Some poor souls will be queuing up at Waterstones in the hope of getting a signed copy from their hero. Well, best of luck because the chances are slim. Tony doesn't like his fans very much. He will not speak to them or have his pic taken, so don't even think about asking where the money went.
This is after checking in all bags, cameras and phones and waiting in a queue. For what is probably a dreadful book that tells us nothing new. Peter got there first. How about we all give the whole shebang a swerve and just leave him sitting there on his lonesome? Wouldn't that be peachy? He'd be looking around saying:" What did I do wrong?" Who wants to be the first to tell him?
Sunday 8 August 2010
Never Mind a Slap - Pass the Axe
Heard of the latest best-seller The Slap? it's about a man who smacks someone else's kid. How amazingly, incredibly, courageous is that? That's the bravest thing I've ever heard of - short of disarming bombs that is.
There is no way anyone should try this at home! I once asked a kid, nicely, to stop bashing the back of my seat at the cinema and practically got my head kicked in by his horrendous, foul-mouthed mother who reckoned I was all shades of evil for finding even the tiniest fault with her son.
We moved schools after a short, quiet ,telling-off of a reknowned bully in the playground let to a ban on us coming into the school and a huge round of applause for the nasty little minx. Bitter? Dead right I am.
Not violent by nature but some kids make you want to take up an axe and make firewood of them. Quickly followed on top of the bonfire by their almost always awful parents. I'd serve the time - worth it for making the world a better place!
There is no way anyone should try this at home! I once asked a kid, nicely, to stop bashing the back of my seat at the cinema and practically got my head kicked in by his horrendous, foul-mouthed mother who reckoned I was all shades of evil for finding even the tiniest fault with her son.
We moved schools after a short, quiet ,telling-off of a reknowned bully in the playground let to a ban on us coming into the school and a huge round of applause for the nasty little minx. Bitter? Dead right I am.
Not violent by nature but some kids make you want to take up an axe and make firewood of them. Quickly followed on top of the bonfire by their almost always awful parents. I'd serve the time - worth it for making the world a better place!
Thursday 5 August 2010
Big Hug for Barack
Really, really want to give Barack Obama a hug! Of course he's hot - did you see that catch-your-breath pic of him in the boater when he was a student? So what he's now 49, the guy is LOADED!
But this was a "never mind pet" hug, because for the very first time, I feel a mite sorry for him. It was his birthday yesterday, and let's face it, 49 is a toughie. Hitting 50 feels like a ticket all the way down to the trash can.
The poor lad was all on his lonesome, with wife Michelle and youngest daughter sunning in Spain and other child off to summer camp. Michelle knew just what to do - she organised an electronic card with a million supporters' signatures. Mighty Dandy! Just what the man needed. He KNOWS he has a million female strangers gagging for him, never mind political allies. That's not the point.
When you think, wrongly in his case, that old age is nipping at your rear end what you want is the close loving support of your nearest and dearest, not the - electronic - good wishes of strangers. Better get it together next year Michelle or honest to god I'll be over there to show you how it's done!
But this was a "never mind pet" hug, because for the very first time, I feel a mite sorry for him. It was his birthday yesterday, and let's face it, 49 is a toughie. Hitting 50 feels like a ticket all the way down to the trash can.
The poor lad was all on his lonesome, with wife Michelle and youngest daughter sunning in Spain and other child off to summer camp. Michelle knew just what to do - she organised an electronic card with a million supporters' signatures. Mighty Dandy! Just what the man needed. He KNOWS he has a million female strangers gagging for him, never mind political allies. That's not the point.
When you think, wrongly in his case, that old age is nipping at your rear end what you want is the close loving support of your nearest and dearest, not the - electronic - good wishes of strangers. Better get it together next year Michelle or honest to god I'll be over there to show you how it's done!
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Brain Dead in the Bush
Turn on sat-nav switch off brain! Why does a box on the dash shut down all rational thought in some people?
A British couple were driving with two teenage lads in the outback of Australia when their sat-nav told them to taker a short cut through the bush. Ignoring the Road Closed signs they carried on regardless - and ended up stuck in the mud for four days when torrential rain turned the unsealed road into a bog.
Mrs Lorraine Emtage said: " We were living in the car stuck on a tilt with little food and water" They tried to dig the car out with their bare hands and were finally rescued when the police abandoned their own car and walked 3km to reach them. A cop said: 'When you get enough rain the roads become impassable - that's why they are closed!"
The car is still stuck because the council can't even reach it with a tractor. I love sat-navs - Cambridge is living hell without one - but whoever claimed they could read?
A British couple were driving with two teenage lads in the outback of Australia when their sat-nav told them to taker a short cut through the bush. Ignoring the Road Closed signs they carried on regardless - and ended up stuck in the mud for four days when torrential rain turned the unsealed road into a bog.
Mrs Lorraine Emtage said: " We were living in the car stuck on a tilt with little food and water" They tried to dig the car out with their bare hands and were finally rescued when the police abandoned their own car and walked 3km to reach them. A cop said: 'When you get enough rain the roads become impassable - that's why they are closed!"
The car is still stuck because the council can't even reach it with a tractor. I love sat-navs - Cambridge is living hell without one - but whoever claimed they could read?
Monday 2 August 2010
All Over Casanova
Romeo has lost the plot! Romance is dead and the girls are broken-hearted. Panda eyes rule! The latest news - Italians are no longer the hottest lovers. That's like saying chocolate is evil or Christmas has been cancelled.
The Latins were always the best, with their soulful brown eyes and tight, white jeans. Not to my taste, a well-rounded Geordie lass keen on strong men rather than kitten-hipped Casanovas but that's just me.
Now a poll by an Italian magazine of 1,000 foreign women has found that 79% find Italian men humourless, grumpy and too close to their mothers. Phew that's telling them! Even the home birds are finding fault, with a medical conference in Rome discovering that six out pf ten Italian women are dissatisfied with their love lives.
Oh dear - time to hear it from the boys? Timeless Sophia Loren apart, it's a push to stay bella on pasta and pizza. Any lover will wilt when faced with the flab. Do the ladies need to see if they measure up too?
The Latins were always the best, with their soulful brown eyes and tight, white jeans. Not to my taste, a well-rounded Geordie lass keen on strong men rather than kitten-hipped Casanovas but that's just me.
Now a poll by an Italian magazine of 1,000 foreign women has found that 79% find Italian men humourless, grumpy and too close to their mothers. Phew that's telling them! Even the home birds are finding fault, with a medical conference in Rome discovering that six out pf ten Italian women are dissatisfied with their love lives.
Oh dear - time to hear it from the boys? Timeless Sophia Loren apart, it's a push to stay bella on pasta and pizza. Any lover will wilt when faced with the flab. Do the ladies need to see if they measure up too?
Friday 30 July 2010
Grizzly likes it Fresh
My, but those Grizzlies are picky eaters! Camper Deb Freele woke to find one snacking on her arm so she played dead and the bear stopped munching. Just what was that bear thinking? "Damn, should've nibbled the ears a bit first. Far too impatient, that's me. Gone right off it now it's dead!"
Must be a lot of hungry Grizzlies about, judging by the size of those teeth. Death looks like a fairly rapid outcome. True some campers stink like a five-day corpse but surely the bear can tell when they are shamming? That's what the experts say though. Can't outrun them, or outclimb them so play dead and they leave you alone.
Maybe bears do it delicately, the way that if you bite the end off an ice cream cone you have to make a rush job of it. Far better to lick lightly at first. Be hard to pay dead with a bear licking lightly around the extremities.
That's the trouble with experts. You just know they've never been there. Bears are getting a break from Stella McCartney who is working on a new fabric for bearskin hats. Needs to be water repellent like the real thing apparently. Or nylon. And those hats! So past their sell-by.
Must be a lot of hungry Grizzlies about, judging by the size of those teeth. Death looks like a fairly rapid outcome. True some campers stink like a five-day corpse but surely the bear can tell when they are shamming? That's what the experts say though. Can't outrun them, or outclimb them so play dead and they leave you alone.
Maybe bears do it delicately, the way that if you bite the end off an ice cream cone you have to make a rush job of it. Far better to lick lightly at first. Be hard to pay dead with a bear licking lightly around the extremities.
That's the trouble with experts. You just know they've never been there. Bears are getting a break from Stella McCartney who is working on a new fabric for bearskin hats. Needs to be water repellent like the real thing apparently. Or nylon. And those hats! So past their sell-by.
Thursday 29 July 2010
Gorgeous Carla Keeps them waiting
Carla Bruni is making a film with Woody - and the whole French Parliament has to wait to start their hols. What a player! Such chutzpah!
Nicholas Sarkozy is stuck in Paris while Carla wows the cameras so he has told his cabinet they have to work too, fixing a meeting for August 3 so no one can take an early cut.
Has anybody managed anything like that since Helen of Troy? Supermodel Carla could launch a thousand films but in this one she plays a museum curator. Lacking false modesty, she claims Allen said of her: "She has charisma and she's used to being on stage. I could give her any role at all!" But sadly gorgeous Carla had to think of her other engagements, so a cameo it is.
The French politicians will be glad she settled for that. They might have missed their break altogether. Do you think our lot would stay at work for Sam Cameron? Theresa May - or harpie Harman? It's a tough one.
Nicholas Sarkozy is stuck in Paris while Carla wows the cameras so he has told his cabinet they have to work too, fixing a meeting for August 3 so no one can take an early cut.
Has anybody managed anything like that since Helen of Troy? Supermodel Carla could launch a thousand films but in this one she plays a museum curator. Lacking false modesty, she claims Allen said of her: "She has charisma and she's used to being on stage. I could give her any role at all!" But sadly gorgeous Carla had to think of her other engagements, so a cameo it is.
The French politicians will be glad she settled for that. They might have missed their break altogether. Do you think our lot would stay at work for Sam Cameron? Theresa May - or harpie Harman? It's a tough one.
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Fruity Does it for Apple
Sexy stories put the zap in Apple. The best seller list for the iPad is loaded with naughty books that readers would be too shy to buy in a store. Is anyone surprised? Only best selling author Carl East from Hull who can't believe his luck. He's been toiling for years over his hot little novels which are usually relegated to the top shelves.
He said in an Amazon post:" I keep pinching myself to see if I am awake and sometimes wonder is this really happening to me?" Seems people like Blonde and Wet, the Complete Story, enough to download it in droves. It's topping the Apple chart.
Who knows what is read on an iPad? Could be the Complete Works of Shakespeare or something even more saucy. The fruity stuff won't do Apple sales any harm at all.
He said in an Amazon post:" I keep pinching myself to see if I am awake and sometimes wonder is this really happening to me?" Seems people like Blonde and Wet, the Complete Story, enough to download it in droves. It's topping the Apple chart.
Who knows what is read on an iPad? Could be the Complete Works of Shakespeare or something even more saucy. The fruity stuff won't do Apple sales any harm at all.
Monday 26 July 2010
Brave Bombs for Blue Peter Badge
Blue Peter presenters - they never give up do they? Once they get their hands into the papier-mache that's it, sign up to improve the offspring.com.
Take Peter Duncan. Nice guy. He says:"Find some hills or mountains and plan your own trek. I like getting lost with the kids and making it their responsibility to get us home. "Bless him, he was a Chief Scout.
We got lost with the kids once. Ended up on a firing range in Denmark with signs in four languages saying: "DANGER! Do not stray from the path! Unexploded bombs." Highly instructive and educational. Not sure that the whinging kids were best placed to guide us back. Their father came in for some stick since his route got us there in the first place.
"Just around the bend is a McDonalds!" he would claim. The crew worked that one out sharpish and he's not been allowed to forget it. Famous Five adventures are fine but we will stick to the well-worn path.
Take Peter Duncan. Nice guy. He says:"Find some hills or mountains and plan your own trek. I like getting lost with the kids and making it their responsibility to get us home. "Bless him, he was a Chief Scout.
We got lost with the kids once. Ended up on a firing range in Denmark with signs in four languages saying: "DANGER! Do not stray from the path! Unexploded bombs." Highly instructive and educational. Not sure that the whinging kids were best placed to guide us back. Their father came in for some stick since his route got us there in the first place.
"Just around the bend is a McDonalds!" he would claim. The crew worked that one out sharpish and he's not been allowed to forget it. Famous Five adventures are fine but we will stick to the well-worn path.
Sunday 25 July 2010
Ash, ash atishoo!
Someone paid £700 for the ashes of the Coronation Street cat, Frisky. That sort of money buys an awful lot of moggie. What do they do with the ash? Put it on top of the telly so his spirit can return to the rooftops of the nations' favourite soap?
Left my dad's ashes all over the boot of the hire car after the top came off. Still warm they were too. No one tells you how much of this stuff there is . Bigger than a couple of bags of sugar that's for sure and much finer, so it gets everywhere, including up your nose. Sorry dad, just sneezed you all over the rear windscreen.
Disposal is a problem when proper respect is required. St James' Park put a stop to dead fans finding a final resting place on its hallowed turf, seems they ruined the game, so we settled for a scattering over the waters of the Tyne.
With a breeze strong enough to knock a tugboat off track this posed a problem of its own. Many a black outfit was liberally flecked with grey by the end. Put himself about a bit did dad, never more so than on that day, but hopefully his sense of humour lives on.
Left my dad's ashes all over the boot of the hire car after the top came off. Still warm they were too. No one tells you how much of this stuff there is . Bigger than a couple of bags of sugar that's for sure and much finer, so it gets everywhere, including up your nose. Sorry dad, just sneezed you all over the rear windscreen.
Disposal is a problem when proper respect is required. St James' Park put a stop to dead fans finding a final resting place on its hallowed turf, seems they ruined the game, so we settled for a scattering over the waters of the Tyne.
With a breeze strong enough to knock a tugboat off track this posed a problem of its own. Many a black outfit was liberally flecked with grey by the end. Put himself about a bit did dad, never more so than on that day, but hopefully his sense of humour lives on.
Friday 23 July 2010
Mad Mandy - Mum on a Mission
School's out. That'll be my pal Mandy shopping at midnight again. Her kids run her so ragged ar she can't pick up a pint of milk, let alone a novel, before they go to bed. She calls it:"Keeping them stimulated!" We call her Mad Mandy - the mum on a mission.
She's off driving to the beach, zoo, museum, cinema, bowling alley. Followed by the Cordon-Bleu Cookery Course, Oils for Beginners and Teach Yourself Origami.
And the riding, swimming, not to mention maths and music practice. Shot to pieces she is. Come September, she looks like she spent the summer in Helmand. The school run comes as a blessed release.
Me. I'm all for mud pies in the garden followed by a water fight with the hose. The closest we'll get to stimulation will be watching the dog take on next door's cat. Enjoy!
She's off driving to the beach, zoo, museum, cinema, bowling alley. Followed by the Cordon-Bleu Cookery Course, Oils for Beginners and Teach Yourself Origami.
And the riding, swimming, not to mention maths and music practice. Shot to pieces she is. Come September, she looks like she spent the summer in Helmand. The school run comes as a blessed release.
Me. I'm all for mud pies in the garden followed by a water fight with the hose. The closest we'll get to stimulation will be watching the dog take on next door's cat. Enjoy!
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Lazy Stig? Not Likely!
Would the Stig sign up for this? Some say he listens to the BeeGees and sleeps hanging from a tree. Would he ever drive a car that needs no input?
Italian engineers are testing two driverless cars by sending them through Moscow traffic, the sweltering summer heat of Siberia and the perishing cold of the Gobi desert before making Shanghai in October. The techies will act only if there is a problem.
Is this the future? Let's see now, how many men want the wife to take over the driving? Because the girls do a better job. We'll go automatic at least, no need for gears. Oversteer, understeer, apexes, all complete cobblers. Top Gear will be no more.
We could have had this yonks ago, but nobody wants it. Why? Because we all think we are cracking drivers. Give Lewis Hamilton a run for his money. The Stig? Well, maybe not today anyway.
Italian engineers are testing two driverless cars by sending them through Moscow traffic, the sweltering summer heat of Siberia and the perishing cold of the Gobi desert before making Shanghai in October. The techies will act only if there is a problem.
Is this the future? Let's see now, how many men want the wife to take over the driving? Because the girls do a better job. We'll go automatic at least, no need for gears. Oversteer, understeer, apexes, all complete cobblers. Top Gear will be no more.
We could have had this yonks ago, but nobody wants it. Why? Because we all think we are cracking drivers. Give Lewis Hamilton a run for his money. The Stig? Well, maybe not today anyway.
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Trashed Topless Pics pf Diana
In a tawdry world a true gent is scarcer than hen's teeth but such was Eduardo Junco. The owner of Hello, he once trashed a load of topless pics of Diana, Princess of Wales, to save her blushes.
Binned the lot - even though they were worth millions! His mags would have sold out worldwide but he knew she would be happier if he didn't print them. So that was that. I reckon he was right. Hard to believe but I once had topless pics taken of me withheld from publication by a kind editor. Mine are still out there somewhere, though not worth the price of a pint.
Not everyone is keen on Hello, because it's stuffed with the froth of the rich and frivolous. We can only gawp at what they've got. Other mags give us the juicy bits. Like a headline which read: "I was Raped by my Brother the Vicar!" It's got the lot. Eduardo wouldn't have gone near it. He died this month. Standards intact.
Binned the lot - even though they were worth millions! His mags would have sold out worldwide but he knew she would be happier if he didn't print them. So that was that. I reckon he was right. Hard to believe but I once had topless pics taken of me withheld from publication by a kind editor. Mine are still out there somewhere, though not worth the price of a pint.
Not everyone is keen on Hello, because it's stuffed with the froth of the rich and frivolous. We can only gawp at what they've got. Other mags give us the juicy bits. Like a headline which read: "I was Raped by my Brother the Vicar!" It's got the lot. Eduardo wouldn't have gone near it. He died this month. Standards intact.
Monday 19 July 2010
Pay for a Pal - Friends for Life?
Friends welcome - relatives by appointment. Except that some people are so short of friends they have to pay people to show an interest. How sad is that? Rent a Friend is a new website coming here from America this week. Lonely souls will pay for pals at an hourly rate.
Sounds OK. Lots of people move to a new town or work unsocial hours so need a helping hand. Good luck to them. Most of us can manage to pick up a few friends along the way just by being, well, friendly.
Sitting at a PC is great for Facebook contacts, but what happens if the rented pal just finds the whole thing so excruciatingly boring they would rather use their eyeballs as a ash tray than see the new "friend" again? Just when all seemed to be going so swimmingly. Big blow to a shy boy's confidence.
That's the trouble when it's for money. Sincerity goes out of the window. And even if you do genuinely like each other, once a few quid have changed hands the relationship is skewed forever.
Sounds OK. Lots of people move to a new town or work unsocial hours so need a helping hand. Good luck to them. Most of us can manage to pick up a few friends along the way just by being, well, friendly.
Sitting at a PC is great for Facebook contacts, but what happens if the rented pal just finds the whole thing so excruciatingly boring they would rather use their eyeballs as a ash tray than see the new "friend" again? Just when all seemed to be going so swimmingly. Big blow to a shy boy's confidence.
That's the trouble when it's for money. Sincerity goes out of the window. And even if you do genuinely like each other, once a few quid have changed hands the relationship is skewed forever.
Sunday 18 July 2010
Botox - the Land of the Living Dead
Just when it seems safe to peak out from behind the fingers another sick-making beauty story comes along to bite you on the bum. And this one really is a teeth rattler. Botox, always scary since it involves injecting a deadly poison, is now blamed for freezing faces altogether - so someone has to pummel it to free it up! Just whack my cheek right there will you, there's a good boy.
Ladies, what is going on here? Are you all mad? What is it about the odd wrinkle that is so horrifying that you freeze your face and then have someone put his fingers INSIDE your mouth to work the muscles. Yuck! This is the job of therapist Nicholas Joss. "The skin becomes dull and waxy-looking with Botox. It needs a massage to get the blood flow back," he said. He charges more than £200 for a 90-minute facial, including a power massage.
Call me crinkle chops but I'll live with it. The alternative, a face like a corpse that needs to be thumped back to life, is surely the stuff of nightmares.
Ladies, what is going on here? Are you all mad? What is it about the odd wrinkle that is so horrifying that you freeze your face and then have someone put his fingers INSIDE your mouth to work the muscles. Yuck! This is the job of therapist Nicholas Joss. "The skin becomes dull and waxy-looking with Botox. It needs a massage to get the blood flow back," he said. He charges more than £200 for a 90-minute facial, including a power massage.
Call me crinkle chops but I'll live with it. The alternative, a face like a corpse that needs to be thumped back to life, is surely the stuff of nightmares.
Saturday 17 July 2010
Poor get the Slammer while the Rich go Free
Hailing from the North East, where times are hard and the women harder, we are pretty canny at milking the system. Benefits are a lifestyle choice. Many can make proud boast that the country has kept them, man and boy, in a style to which they are all too well accustomed.
A Giro a week works a treat, and if a little bit extra can be slipped Geordie's way, wey, that's champion hinny! Getting caught on the take is a sad but not unexpected fact of life. Getting jailed for it is something else.
Figures reveal that the poor are much more likely to go to jail for fraud than the rich embezzlers who can afford the best solicitors. Susanne Rees of Bridgend in Wales got 60 days for getting extra housing benefit to the tune of £19,000. Hardly peanuts. Except that Cheltenham businessman Michael Frost was given 60 hours community service for £65,000 income tax evasion. Smooth talker? Probably.
Records show that defendants convicted of benefit fraud are much more likely to end up behind bars than the tax dodgers. No sympathy for either - but surely some injustice here?
A Giro a week works a treat, and if a little bit extra can be slipped Geordie's way, wey, that's champion hinny! Getting caught on the take is a sad but not unexpected fact of life. Getting jailed for it is something else.
Figures reveal that the poor are much more likely to go to jail for fraud than the rich embezzlers who can afford the best solicitors. Susanne Rees of Bridgend in Wales got 60 days for getting extra housing benefit to the tune of £19,000. Hardly peanuts. Except that Cheltenham businessman Michael Frost was given 60 hours community service for £65,000 income tax evasion. Smooth talker? Probably.
Records show that defendants convicted of benefit fraud are much more likely to end up behind bars than the tax dodgers. No sympathy for either - but surely some injustice here?
Friday 16 July 2010
Grindr lookalike for Straights - is it a Goer?
The gays got it first - now iPhone are planning an app for straights too. First heard about Grindr on Top Gear when Stephen Fry was waxing lyrical. Grindr is an app for finding gays who are close by and up for it. Fair play to them, all out in the open so to speak.
But straights? Does a guy use the app to find girls gagging for it? Or do the girls? There lies the rub. Since when has there been an issue here? All young guys grab an easy lay and all girls know it. Quod erat demonstratus - or not.
See yourself sitting in Starbucks idly apping the guy on the next table - and he you! Smile, flirt? Nah - let's just nip behind the bins! Memories of a bus shelter come to mind. Ten years old and all he wanted was a quick kiss. How times change. Pine for the old days of long drawn-out lust.
I'm all for apps that make life easier. Or fun. Just don't fancy this one.
But straights? Does a guy use the app to find girls gagging for it? Or do the girls? There lies the rub. Since when has there been an issue here? All young guys grab an easy lay and all girls know it. Quod erat demonstratus - or not.
See yourself sitting in Starbucks idly apping the guy on the next table - and he you! Smile, flirt? Nah - let's just nip behind the bins! Memories of a bus shelter come to mind. Ten years old and all he wanted was a quick kiss. How times change. Pine for the old days of long drawn-out lust.
I'm all for apps that make life easier. Or fun. Just don't fancy this one.
Thursday 15 July 2010
Peter left out of the Party
Seems like Mandy may be missing a few best friends. There he goes, bleating to the Times about Blair and Brown going at it like a pair of schoolboys. Tony couldn't get a deal done without Brown demanding his job as the price for agreeing. All the good things we never got because they couldn't see eye to eye.
Mandy has Blair as a weak leader and Brown as a head case. It's no surprise to anyone that Tony unable to get his reforms through because huffy Brown wouldn't support him. Yet these two were supposed to be friends and on the SAME side.
Not only that, they were running the country for the rest of us while almost coming to blows. What a pair of wallys!
Wonder what Mandy got for stabbing them both in the back? Someone mentioned £250,000 up front for his memoirs would not be too far off the mark. What price a political friendship? Chances are Mandy would sell his for a song.
Mandy has Blair as a weak leader and Brown as a head case. It's no surprise to anyone that Tony unable to get his reforms through because huffy Brown wouldn't support him. Yet these two were supposed to be friends and on the SAME side.
Not only that, they were running the country for the rest of us while almost coming to blows. What a pair of wallys!
Wonder what Mandy got for stabbing them both in the back? Someone mentioned £250,000 up front for his memoirs would not be too far off the mark. What price a political friendship? Chances are Mandy would sell his for a song.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Rooney Boobie
Silly little wannabe Natalie Rooney! Wayne may not be a looker but nobody doubts his talent. His 19-yea-old cousin loses out on both counts. The curvy blonde was featured in Channel 4's The Ugly Face of Beauty - but it wasn't her face they were interested in.
Natalie wants the biggest boobs in Britain and this was her second operation to buy them. Just throw in a bit of liposuction while you're on! All for a size 8 girl who could drop that fat running around the block.
Proud mum stood by as this troubled teenager risked her life. The TV reporter seemed more anxious than the girl's closest relative. Dim's the word. And dosh. She's decided football baps are her ticket to world of the rich and famous. Wayne's world. It worked for Jordan after all.
Difference is that Jordan is a marketing genius. Selling herself is what she does best. Natalie seems like a stupid. spoilt little girl with nothing to offer but her youth and that far too soon over.
Natalie wants the biggest boobs in Britain and this was her second operation to buy them. Just throw in a bit of liposuction while you're on! All for a size 8 girl who could drop that fat running around the block.
Proud mum stood by as this troubled teenager risked her life. The TV reporter seemed more anxious than the girl's closest relative. Dim's the word. And dosh. She's decided football baps are her ticket to world of the rich and famous. Wayne's world. It worked for Jordan after all.
Difference is that Jordan is a marketing genius. Selling herself is what she does best. Natalie seems like a stupid. spoilt little girl with nothing to offer but her youth and that far too soon over.
Sunday 11 July 2010
A Lesson in Lunacy
That's an A* for crap teachers! Take a bow all you rubbish educators because it seems you are doing a great job after all. Chairwoman of Ofsted, Zenna Atkins, herself the proud possessor of one O level, says that bad teachers should be applauded. They show kids that those in authority are not always perfect, giving them valuable skills to deal with the moron in the workplace.
"One really good thing about primary school is that every kid learns how to deal with a really s*** teacher," she said. Hooray then for the teacher at my kids' school who hides in a cupboard and cries.
That's a Grade 8 in bullying very well learnt. The kids will be thrilled with that. We need look no further for the moron. Thankfully Ms Atkins is moving on, to work with the state-funded "Free" schools Cameron wants to set up. God help them.
Add to that the boffins have discovered a stuff called noggin which keeps the brain's neurotransmitters healthy. It is increased by exercise. So clearly we are looking at swarms of genius footballers and a tough time with the Times crossword for Stephen Hawking
"One really good thing about primary school is that every kid learns how to deal with a really s*** teacher," she said. Hooray then for the teacher at my kids' school who hides in a cupboard and cries.
That's a Grade 8 in bullying very well learnt. The kids will be thrilled with that. We need look no further for the moron. Thankfully Ms Atkins is moving on, to work with the state-funded "Free" schools Cameron wants to set up. God help them.
Add to that the boffins have discovered a stuff called noggin which keeps the brain's neurotransmitters healthy. It is increased by exercise. So clearly we are looking at swarms of genius footballers and a tough time with the Times crossword for Stephen Hawking
Friday 9 July 2010
Pauline hits the High Life
Always knew she had it in her, our lass Pauline. Aye but it took a lot of slap and a fair bit of stick and heck knows it's been a struggle, but she's come good, a Lady no less. By gum though, it were almost scuppered by a horrible moment when that punch landed. Dreams hit the dust, they did.
What went through that bull-dog brain of his? Small fortune on elocution and all for nowt. Could've been disaster. Very nearly was. Only his animal instinct for knowing where the bodies are buried saved her from obscurity. Never that. Our Pauline does not do obscurity.
Granted some attention is less welcome - when it involves the office floozie for instance - but generally she blossoms in the spotlight. Should've kept him on a short lead though. Our lad never could keep his hands to himself.
All behind her now. It'll be lady this and lady that from now on. Mixing with society. Got the hang of the croquet and the cutlery and there's a thing or two she could teach them about a decent blow-dry. And those dreadful old clothes! Lead on Lady Prescott - show them where to shop!
What went through that bull-dog brain of his? Small fortune on elocution and all for nowt. Could've been disaster. Very nearly was. Only his animal instinct for knowing where the bodies are buried saved her from obscurity. Never that. Our Pauline does not do obscurity.
Granted some attention is less welcome - when it involves the office floozie for instance - but generally she blossoms in the spotlight. Should've kept him on a short lead though. Our lad never could keep his hands to himself.
All behind her now. It'll be lady this and lady that from now on. Mixing with society. Got the hang of the croquet and the cutlery and there's a thing or two she could teach them about a decent blow-dry. And those dreadful old clothes! Lead on Lady Prescott - show them where to shop!
Thursday 8 July 2010
Jesus would be Livid
So why is The Church so fixated with sex? The boys in frocks just can't get enough of it! Maybe missing out themselves they interfere elsewhere and demand to know what goes on in another man's bed.
Take the latest CoE brouhaha. Dr Jeffrey John has been shafted again. Seven years ago he agreed to save Rowan William's face and give up the chance to be Bishop of Reading. It was a major blow, and Rowan had to get down on his knees and beg forgiveness. How utterly, complacently Churchy of him. That's not the church of the people - that's the way of the pompous bigots who run it thinking they know best.
The people of Southwark, who know Dr John well, didn't forget him and when they needed a bishop, up came his name. He is a good man. That's enough. The fact that he is gay, and has agreed not to have sex with is partner, is of no interest to true Christians. That's for the clergy to get hot under their dog-collars for.
Again The Church turned him down. Simply because he is a homosexual. These are the men who tell the rest of us how to live. We should take a leaf out of Christ's good book and throw them all out of the temple.
Take the latest CoE brouhaha. Dr Jeffrey John has been shafted again. Seven years ago he agreed to save Rowan William's face and give up the chance to be Bishop of Reading. It was a major blow, and Rowan had to get down on his knees and beg forgiveness. How utterly, complacently Churchy of him. That's not the church of the people - that's the way of the pompous bigots who run it thinking they know best.
The people of Southwark, who know Dr John well, didn't forget him and when they needed a bishop, up came his name. He is a good man. That's enough. The fact that he is gay, and has agreed not to have sex with is partner, is of no interest to true Christians. That's for the clergy to get hot under their dog-collars for.
Again The Church turned him down. Simply because he is a homosexual. These are the men who tell the rest of us how to live. We should take a leaf out of Christ's good book and throw them all out of the temple.
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Sleepy Meerkat.Con
Comparing the meerkats has just gone a bit bonkers. I adore the hairy skittles as much as anyone but I dare to suggest things have strayed into insanity. British scientists are in the Kalahari timing them out of bed. Sitting outside their holes waiting for them to get up in the morning. Why?
The little chaps will yawn and stretch and sally forth into the dawn when they feel like it and not a second before. Timing them with a stopwatch makes no sense. So what if some rise a minute, nay, eight minutes after another lot. Perhaps they are having riotous sex in there and she was shouting " niet stop!" while the boy in the next burrow was only up for a quickie. Who knows? And, why, why should we care? Something about comparing cultures. Are we chucking money at this?
The boffins have been there 11 years. Yet you just know that all the research in the world will not find a way to get a teenage son out of bed before noon.
The little chaps will yawn and stretch and sally forth into the dawn when they feel like it and not a second before. Timing them with a stopwatch makes no sense. So what if some rise a minute, nay, eight minutes after another lot. Perhaps they are having riotous sex in there and she was shouting " niet stop!" while the boy in the next burrow was only up for a quickie. Who knows? And, why, why should we care? Something about comparing cultures. Are we chucking money at this?
The boffins have been there 11 years. Yet you just know that all the research in the world will not find a way to get a teenage son out of bed before noon.
Monday 5 July 2010
David, is that You?
Glammed up for a swanky do at Tower Bridge the other night. All low-cut red frock and big smile, about right for the location which happens to have one of the best views of London.
Naturellement, I was snapped by the paparazzi - but when I look at the pics what's this? Lots of guys in grey suits! Get to page four before even a glance at moi. Surely something wrong? I thought myself the rose among thorns, even if a bit past first bloom, but really!
Some of the boys were very pretty, but many were hardly what you might term, stiff competition. One featured very regularly, so I pointed him out to teenage son who remarked: "That's Beckham isn't it?" WHAT!!! I could've had my pic taken with the best looking bloke on the planet - and muffed it! Nooo, this could not be happening!
Thankfully it wasn't. He was a looky-likey. A paid jobsworth like me. Phew! Even I can pass on that one. Need to sharpen up or wear specs or Johnnie D may be in the room and I will fail to schmooze. I would never, never, get over it.
Naturellement, I was snapped by the paparazzi - but when I look at the pics what's this? Lots of guys in grey suits! Get to page four before even a glance at moi. Surely something wrong? I thought myself the rose among thorns, even if a bit past first bloom, but really!
Some of the boys were very pretty, but many were hardly what you might term, stiff competition. One featured very regularly, so I pointed him out to teenage son who remarked: "That's Beckham isn't it?" WHAT!!! I could've had my pic taken with the best looking bloke on the planet - and muffed it! Nooo, this could not be happening!
Thankfully it wasn't. He was a looky-likey. A paid jobsworth like me. Phew! Even I can pass on that one. Need to sharpen up or wear specs or Johnnie D may be in the room and I will fail to schmooze. I would never, never, get over it.
Friday 2 July 2010
Once a Shrekkie...
Give me the ogre every time. Filthy fun with Shrek - yep, that's a goer. Bound to be a belly laugh even if the dinner stinks. Can't abide Buzz Lightyear. The pop-eyed one would not be hot if he had a fling with Donkey's dragon and started breathing fire. As if she would. I mean, where's the wit in that twit?
We all seem to fall one way or the other. Fat, green Glaswegian or gay cowboy, Take your pick. Cinema critics say that the new Shrek relies on old jokes. We LIKE old jokes. If they are good ones. Donkey's " I had my mouth open as well!" always gets a giggle in this house. Along with " Grit, spit and a whole lot of duct tape! " or "Hurry before we all come to our senses!" from the brilliant Madagascar. Toy Story just doesn't do it for me. Bring on the Land of Far, Far Away and watch the eyes light up.
We all seem to fall one way or the other. Fat, green Glaswegian or gay cowboy, Take your pick. Cinema critics say that the new Shrek relies on old jokes. We LIKE old jokes. If they are good ones. Donkey's " I had my mouth open as well!" always gets a giggle in this house. Along with " Grit, spit and a whole lot of duct tape! " or "Hurry before we all come to our senses!" from the brilliant Madagascar. Toy Story just doesn't do it for me. Bring on the Land of Far, Far Away and watch the eyes light up.
Wednesday 30 June 2010
Mad Men of the Med
So. what do the Med types not understand about the words:"You're skint!" Has the heat gone to their heads? We know they need to knock off for six hours in the afternoon because wiping down tables takes it out of them, but strikes! Are they insane?
Someone says your bank has Junk Status and you get their drift. Bit short does not cover it. So what do they do? Put in a bit of overtime? Nope, it's down tools and take to the streets in protest. Just when a few euros are heading their way. Tourists go away to relax and escape their troubles. Street riots are not a must-see. They'd rather take a ride on an Egyptian camel. At least his bad temper is fair enough. Fat Europeans are no fun. Neither are daft Greeks and Spaniards determined to dump on their own beaches
Someone says your bank has Junk Status and you get their drift. Bit short does not cover it. So what do they do? Put in a bit of overtime? Nope, it's down tools and take to the streets in protest. Just when a few euros are heading their way. Tourists go away to relax and escape their troubles. Street riots are not a must-see. They'd rather take a ride on an Egyptian camel. At least his bad temper is fair enough. Fat Europeans are no fun. Neither are daft Greeks and Spaniards determined to dump on their own beaches
Monday 28 June 2010
Zerg a Tad Creepy?
Ever heard of a Zerg? Does creep mean any more to you than the weirdo on the train? Chances are he knows all about zerg, creep and all the other cyber treats on offer. Good luck to him.
Till now I'd say he was a saddo in a class of one. Get a life etc. Except that this is the Big One for millions who go ape at the mention of StarCraft 11:Wings of Liberty to be released on July 27. It's a computer game. A fantasy space conflict gubbins. Players total millions worldwide and nowhere more so than Korea, where professionals get rich like rock stars and live tournaments attract 120,000 spectators.
Is it me, or is there something strangely chilling about a country that can't get on with the folk next door having so much fun blowing up other worlds? Especially with a big bomb sitting there, just longing for a bit of action. Still, all is not lost. Scandal strikes! A bit of cash on the side is all it takes to get players to throw the game and upset the gamblers. A few quid in the real world always did go a long way. Twas ever thus.
Till now I'd say he was a saddo in a class of one. Get a life etc. Except that this is the Big One for millions who go ape at the mention of StarCraft 11:Wings of Liberty to be released on July 27. It's a computer game. A fantasy space conflict gubbins. Players total millions worldwide and nowhere more so than Korea, where professionals get rich like rock stars and live tournaments attract 120,000 spectators.
Is it me, or is there something strangely chilling about a country that can't get on with the folk next door having so much fun blowing up other worlds? Especially with a big bomb sitting there, just longing for a bit of action. Still, all is not lost. Scandal strikes! A bit of cash on the side is all it takes to get players to throw the game and upset the gamblers. A few quid in the real world always did go a long way. Twas ever thus.
Saturday 26 June 2010
Vote Rory for PM
If Cameron fancies a spot of babysitting any time soon can Rory Stewart have a shot at his job? A Harvard human rights professor and author of two best-sellers, officer in the Black Watch and diplomat in Montenegro who walked 6,000 miles across Iran, Nepal, Pakistan, India and Afghanistan, he speaks 11 languages, though the Serbo-Croat is " a bit rusty." A nice bloke too . The man is MASSIVELY over-qualified.
Makes you wonder what possessed him to stand as a Conservative candidate. He won - naturally. Now he is saying that we ought to think again over Afghanistan and worry more about Pakistan, where the real problems lie. "It is mission impossible in Afghanistan, " he says. I believe him. I'd believe him if he said he could walk on water.
With all the dross floating around Westminster they have finally seen sense and elected him to the Commons Foreign Affairs Select Committee. It's a start. This guy is only 37 but I am convinced he is the second coming and we'd better appreciate him a whole lot more than the we did the last one.
Makes you wonder what possessed him to stand as a Conservative candidate. He won - naturally. Now he is saying that we ought to think again over Afghanistan and worry more about Pakistan, where the real problems lie. "It is mission impossible in Afghanistan, " he says. I believe him. I'd believe him if he said he could walk on water.
With all the dross floating around Westminster they have finally seen sense and elected him to the Commons Foreign Affairs Select Committee. It's a start. This guy is only 37 but I am convinced he is the second coming and we'd better appreciate him a whole lot more than the we did the last one.
Thursday 24 June 2010
A new age of austerity
So they reckon our kids are looking at a new age of austerity. The budget means we may be back to sweet rationing. Well that'll be good for their teeth. Notice a slight lack of sympathy? Dead right. Austerity? When they are all signing up for the new iPhone? Poor mites, all this cost-cutting, how will they cope?
Some of us have been here before. Black and white tellies, paraffin heaters and Stork not butter.
No, never that. They used to ask if you could tell the difference? Were they kidding? That stuff used to stink, you could tell if a family was skint simply by smelling the kids. They would reek of the stuff.
That and the paraffin. Central heating was a distant dream, not installed until I left home. You'd just put an extra coat on the bed. Now they are saying that new measures to cut waste will mean our kids doing without the little extras. We won't be affording the foreign holidays, Kumon and music lessons. Except that we will. Because the kids always come first. As my old dad used to say: "Debt? Why worry about it? Let them that wants it worry about it!" Worked for him.
Some of us have been here before. Black and white tellies, paraffin heaters and Stork not butter.
No, never that. They used to ask if you could tell the difference? Were they kidding? That stuff used to stink, you could tell if a family was skint simply by smelling the kids. They would reek of the stuff.
That and the paraffin. Central heating was a distant dream, not installed until I left home. You'd just put an extra coat on the bed. Now they are saying that new measures to cut waste will mean our kids doing without the little extras. We won't be affording the foreign holidays, Kumon and music lessons. Except that we will. Because the kids always come first. As my old dad used to say: "Debt? Why worry about it? Let them that wants it worry about it!" Worked for him.
Monday 21 June 2010
Alive and kicking Ass
Did it! All 1,025 miles of it. That's from stormy John O Groats to sunny Land"s End in eight back-breaking, bone-shattering days. One guy was throwing up by the roadside and had to get into the bus with only 20 miles to go. Another wheelied in with Will You Marry Me Jo? on his T shirt. Judging by her delighted squeals the answer was yes.
Our man got there just before the police escort. About two stones lighter and barely able to speak. This was harder than the Marathon, harder than the Ironman and just about any other challenge he has set himself. He got the prize for the grittiest ride after struggling on to do 120 miles on an empty, sicky stomach.
Loads didn't make it but for those that did it was a moment of total jubilation, followed by "Who wants to see my saddle sores?" One to pass on. Savlon used by the shedload. Still knackered today though and it has yet to sink in for most of them, but when it does - take a bow boys and girls we are proud of you!
Our man got there just before the police escort. About two stones lighter and barely able to speak. This was harder than the Marathon, harder than the Ironman and just about any other challenge he has set himself. He got the prize for the grittiest ride after struggling on to do 120 miles on an empty, sicky stomach.
Loads didn't make it but for those that did it was a moment of total jubilation, followed by "Who wants to see my saddle sores?" One to pass on. Savlon used by the shedload. Still knackered today though and it has yet to sink in for most of them, but when it does - take a bow boys and girls we are proud of you!
Friday 18 June 2010
Bad Day on a Bike
Almost Dead Tour - grave day yesterday. Our man thought he had escaped the lurgy. Wrong. In this event food equals energy, equals distance on the bike. Chuck up your breakfast and disaster looms. Heading down from Manchester, 120 miles, with no fuel in the tank, it looked like the end.
But the buddies were there. These are the support team. They chat, ride in front to create drag and they stay with you. It took 14 hours with Rich, Paul, Andy and Rob hauling our sick man along. With 12 miles to go they suggested getting in the bus. No, not yet.
So the wheels got rolling finally into Ludlow Racecourse where the rest of the riders were lined up. And you know what? They sang "We are The Champions!" as our hero staggered in. All of them. What a welcome! Today our man feels 80% fit and ready to give it another go. Respect!
But the buddies were there. These are the support team. They chat, ride in front to create drag and they stay with you. It took 14 hours with Rich, Paul, Andy and Rob hauling our sick man along. With 12 miles to go they suggested getting in the bus. No, not yet.
So the wheels got rolling finally into Ludlow Racecourse where the rest of the riders were lined up. And you know what? They sang "We are The Champions!" as our hero staggered in. All of them. What a welcome! Today our man feels 80% fit and ready to give it another go. Respect!
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Not Dead Yet Tour Update
The trick is to do it with your own two feet. Our man did it in bare feet. The Not Dead Yet Tour that is. This morning the hardy crew had to tackle the 1,489 feet Kirkstone Pass in the Lake District straight after breakfast. At times the gradient is 1 in 4. Some bottled it and went in the bus. Others pumped pedals all the way to the top. Our man took the silly bike shoes off and walked it. Still got there.
There's the ASBO Biker, a probation officer who has a tag on his bike. All his mates back home know where he is at any point on the 1,000 mile route from John O Groats to Land's End. Bet he's an inspiration to the bad boys.
Still a long way to go. Plenty of it pretty like now, and some not so, like Carlisle. Still hoping to make Penzance on Sunday if the Achilles tendons hold out.
There's the ASBO Biker, a probation officer who has a tag on his bike. All his mates back home know where he is at any point on the 1,000 mile route from John O Groats to Land's End. Bet he's an inspiration to the bad boys.
Still a long way to go. Plenty of it pretty like now, and some not so, like Carlisle. Still hoping to make Penzance on Sunday if the Achilles tendons hold out.
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Taleban Change of Plan?
Tough call Taleban. Been good all this hanging around in the Dark Ages, terrorising folk and locking up women but now lads it seems we are sitting on a goldmine. Or a lithium mine, which could be worth even more. Now there's a dilemma.
All this time we've been slagging off the West because they like to buy stuff. We are too poor to buy stuff, so that seemed fair,
But now Afghanistan could be oozing with lithium, which they need for their computers and phones. Even Osama likes his phone. It's on our land and could be worth trillions.Trillions!
Only we'd need their help to get it out of the ground. Engineers, mining kit, so on. What to do? We could stay dirt poor. Or we could shake hands, say sorry pal about the bombs and could you see your way clear to digging a great big hole for us? We'd make it worth your while.
Rags or riches? Only one way to decide - FIGHT!!!!
All this time we've been slagging off the West because they like to buy stuff. We are too poor to buy stuff, so that seemed fair,
But now Afghanistan could be oozing with lithium, which they need for their computers and phones. Even Osama likes his phone. It's on our land and could be worth trillions.Trillions!
Only we'd need their help to get it out of the ground. Engineers, mining kit, so on. What to do? We could stay dirt poor. Or we could shake hands, say sorry pal about the bombs and could you see your way clear to digging a great big hole for us? We'd make it worth your while.
Rags or riches? Only one way to decide - FIGHT!!!!
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