It's so bad it"s got to be great. Can't wait to see Gordon Ramsay's new film Love"s Kitchen. It took the princely sum of £121 nationwide on its opening weekend. Bravo Gordon! Complete crappiness taken to such new depths deserves respect.
Look at Avatar. It took only a billion pounds a day for the first 17 days. That's 17 billion quid in just over a fortnight. Granted that was worldwide, but I don't see the Chinese clamouring for Gordon"s shonky little number any time soon.
Love's Kitchen is a rom-com starring Simon Callow with a cameo by the wrinkly one himself. It's "cack-handed, cloth-eared and painful to watch," says one critic. Great, that's me hooked. Makes your toes curl and your teeth ring. Even your eyebrows will ache. It's that bad apparently. Just the job.
Never mind Gordon. You'll make top of the worst ever list. So smile and wave. That way, you might just save this particular dog's breakfast from hitting the bin yet.
Thursday 30 June 2011
Friday 24 June 2011
Naughty Pilot on a Roll
"Good morning and welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking, well, slagging everyone off, actually, because really, would you do it with that gorilla of a stewardess?" Pilots look like film stars and speak like public announcers don't they? Except when they accidentally leave the mike on and the air turns blue.
Must get boring whiling away the hours while the plane flies itself. A bit of bitching over the joy-stick is to be expected. Except that this time every F and blind was being relayed back to air traffic control. Off he went on one: "It was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies.Well I don't give a f*** I hate 100 per cent of their asses. At the end, with two girls, one of them was part-doable but all these women wanted to do, one wanted to berate her sister and the other wanted to bitch about her husband.
"When that was done, got back to my room, I'm like, why the f*** did I stay up?" A bit of spluttering from the other end should have been a warning, but the pilot was on a roll, his blabbing took in looks, age and sexual preferences of his fellow crew - none of it nice.
In the end Air Traffic finally got his attention and told him : "Someone's got a stuck mike and is telling us all about their endeavours. We don't need to hear that." The pilot was suspended while he took "diversity training." He's not the first, joining the ranks of George Bush and Gordon Brown, whose private conversations also ended up on You Tube. Shame really. If he'd known the whole world would be drinking in his every utterance he might have been wittier - or even funny.
Must get boring whiling away the hours while the plane flies itself. A bit of bitching over the joy-stick is to be expected. Except that this time every F and blind was being relayed back to air traffic control. Off he went on one: "It was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies.Well I don't give a f*** I hate 100 per cent of their asses. At the end, with two girls, one of them was part-doable but all these women wanted to do, one wanted to berate her sister and the other wanted to bitch about her husband.
"When that was done, got back to my room, I'm like, why the f*** did I stay up?" A bit of spluttering from the other end should have been a warning, but the pilot was on a roll, his blabbing took in looks, age and sexual preferences of his fellow crew - none of it nice.
In the end Air Traffic finally got his attention and told him : "Someone's got a stuck mike and is telling us all about their endeavours. We don't need to hear that." The pilot was suspended while he took "diversity training." He's not the first, joining the ranks of George Bush and Gordon Brown, whose private conversations also ended up on You Tube. Shame really. If he'd known the whole world would be drinking in his every utterance he might have been wittier - or even funny.
Thursday 23 June 2011
Boarding School Horrors
Boarding school - good or bad? Not my scene, not being rich enough, but plenty of people I know went there. Based on them, would I send a child to boarding school? No way.
Take one example. He is the son of a diplomat and, aged five, went to a very, very posh school. He saw his parents for a couple of weeks during the summer break. He was a desperately sad and lonely little boy, but he particularly remembers rowing a boat on the Zambezi and discovering to his horror that they were going the wrong way. "Dad, dad," he shouted: " We're going backwards!" "The term is, 'We are not making headway!" his stiff-upper lip, British father replied as they swirled madly towards the rapids. Clearly a product of the system himself.
Another guy, also doing very well in his professional life, remembers leaving a wan-faced mother in September then returning at Christmas to discover she was dead and buried. No one had thought to tell him.
Studies show that children sent away from home at an early age shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism. One man said: "You become a very private person. You think everyone is like that, so you don't think anything is wrong. If your partner complains you say, "don't be so sensitive" or "you can't take a joke."
That sound like anyone you know? Spot on I'd say. The right school might be great for your job prospects but the price paid is huge in more ways than one.
Take one example. He is the son of a diplomat and, aged five, went to a very, very posh school. He saw his parents for a couple of weeks during the summer break. He was a desperately sad and lonely little boy, but he particularly remembers rowing a boat on the Zambezi and discovering to his horror that they were going the wrong way. "Dad, dad," he shouted: " We're going backwards!" "The term is, 'We are not making headway!" his stiff-upper lip, British father replied as they swirled madly towards the rapids. Clearly a product of the system himself.
Another guy, also doing very well in his professional life, remembers leaving a wan-faced mother in September then returning at Christmas to discover she was dead and buried. No one had thought to tell him.
Studies show that children sent away from home at an early age shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism. One man said: "You become a very private person. You think everyone is like that, so you don't think anything is wrong. If your partner complains you say, "don't be so sensitive" or "you can't take a joke."
That sound like anyone you know? Spot on I'd say. The right school might be great for your job prospects but the price paid is huge in more ways than one.
Monday 20 June 2011
Want it, Nick it, Tweet it.
The latest plague? Pilfering Nickitis. Everyone's got it, from the cool kids to the top brass and most are boasting about it. On Facebook, Twitter or even to the Times. Tom Campbell says he was joking when he told a reporter he, "always has to steal something," when he goes into a big chain like Tesco or Pret a Manger for lunch. The former cultural strategy manager to the Mayor of London - not in his made-up job any more then - added: "When you're like, 40, they don't grab you or anything. They just say, 'Sir, I think you've made a mistake.'
"Someone told me it's so expensive to prosecute a shoplifter that all they ever do is say 'Excuse me Sir." That's how I justify going into the chains. That's the rule. If you go into a chain, you have to steal." So that's why the woman next to me shoved a chocolate into my bag in Nero the other day. I put it back. Of course I did, but maybe I'm on my own?
Fraud cases are up from 11 to 18%. It takes about three years for company fraud to be discovered. Tough times mean they cut costs in control departments and the thieves have a field day.
I find it depressing. We might be skint - but surely things are not that bad yet? I'm hoping Tom Campbell finds out what hard times really are because his petty pilfering puts up prices for the rest of us. Thanks Tom.
"Someone told me it's so expensive to prosecute a shoplifter that all they ever do is say 'Excuse me Sir." That's how I justify going into the chains. That's the rule. If you go into a chain, you have to steal." So that's why the woman next to me shoved a chocolate into my bag in Nero the other day. I put it back. Of course I did, but maybe I'm on my own?
Fraud cases are up from 11 to 18%. It takes about three years for company fraud to be discovered. Tough times mean they cut costs in control departments and the thieves have a field day.
I find it depressing. We might be skint - but surely things are not that bad yet? I'm hoping Tom Campbell finds out what hard times really are because his petty pilfering puts up prices for the rest of us. Thanks Tom.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Thar She Blows! Sarah Spouts Again
Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson has Runnaway Gob Syndrome. She was born with it and over the years it has got much, much worse. She never knows when to shut up. Show her the colour of your money - preferably dollars - and she will pour forth such drivel as to stop an elephant in its tracks.
The woman is beyond dreadful. She is now spilling all on Oprah, including how she was beaten by her wicked mother and called a sheep's arse by her dad. Been called worse myself. Didn't think it required counselling.
Sarah sucks fruit gums as she is driven by Buckingham Palace, "my old house" as she calls it. She says:" It's horrible to be ostracised from the family, I adored my mother-in-law" Perhaps that relationship soured when Sarah was pictured having her toes sucked by her balding lover. He wasn't even a looker. Say what you like about Andy, he did turn a few heads in his time.
Since then she has piled shame on shame, trying to sell her ex-husbands favours to pay her debts. "I don't really understand finances at all," she moans. Oprah's US television network is said to be paying her £200,000 fee. Sarah doesn't get out of bed for less.
"I sabotaged myself and hit rock bottom. It was like I had murdered someone. I had murdered Sarah." So that would be Sarah on the skids, taking handouts at the local soup kitchen would it? The lass needs a kick up her own woolly arse to remind her of how lucky she was and still is. Nobody is paying me £200,000 to discuss my troubled childhood. Sarah needs to put up, shut up and start earning her privileged place in the world. That likely to happen any time soon?
The woman is beyond dreadful. She is now spilling all on Oprah, including how she was beaten by her wicked mother and called a sheep's arse by her dad. Been called worse myself. Didn't think it required counselling.
Sarah sucks fruit gums as she is driven by Buckingham Palace, "my old house" as she calls it. She says:" It's horrible to be ostracised from the family, I adored my mother-in-law" Perhaps that relationship soured when Sarah was pictured having her toes sucked by her balding lover. He wasn't even a looker. Say what you like about Andy, he did turn a few heads in his time.
Since then she has piled shame on shame, trying to sell her ex-husbands favours to pay her debts. "I don't really understand finances at all," she moans. Oprah's US television network is said to be paying her £200,000 fee. Sarah doesn't get out of bed for less.
"I sabotaged myself and hit rock bottom. It was like I had murdered someone. I had murdered Sarah." So that would be Sarah on the skids, taking handouts at the local soup kitchen would it? The lass needs a kick up her own woolly arse to remind her of how lucky she was and still is. Nobody is paying me £200,000 to discuss my troubled childhood. Sarah needs to put up, shut up and start earning her privileged place in the world. That likely to happen any time soon?
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Weiner a Hot Dog? Salad Days
Call it sexting, call it flashing, what is it with showcasing your bits? Why the compulsion to inflict them on the rest of us? I find it weird. Face it, human genitalia do not reflect our best side, photographically speaking. A person can have beautiful eyes, fabulous legs, even a cute pair of ears, but the everyday crotch lacks universal aesthetic appeal.
Men on men, maybe. I can see a gay trend, but men sending pics to women, along the lines of the aptly named Anthony Weiner? What's he trying to say here? Forget the fact that he has the face of a rodent, bit rat or even lemur in his bug-eyed surprise at the furore, what woman would seriously like to appraise his penis on the world wide web?
Seems he pressed the wrong button. Easily done, but once tweeted, no going back. Why take the pic in the first place? Did he think, "she'll take one look at this and wave her knickers in my face!"? Is he just an exhibitionist, touting his tawdry wares like the teenager who stopped me in my tracks? This lad had something to show and he was doing his level best to make sure I appreciated every inch of it, but short of almost having my eye out he had no effect at all.
Women just don't go in for this sort of thing. A few sat on photocopying machines during a daft craze a while back, but it's not something that's really taken off. Some guys put out naked shots of their girlfriends in a sort of world-wide Readers' Wives, sort of fat lass picture gallery. Phone porn goes with that sort of territory.
Weiner could have been Mayor. Somehow I don't suppose we will be seeing our blond bombshell Boris like this any time soon. He might talk a load of b..... but he doesn't haul them out for the electorate.
Men on men, maybe. I can see a gay trend, but men sending pics to women, along the lines of the aptly named Anthony Weiner? What's he trying to say here? Forget the fact that he has the face of a rodent, bit rat or even lemur in his bug-eyed surprise at the furore, what woman would seriously like to appraise his penis on the world wide web?
Seems he pressed the wrong button. Easily done, but once tweeted, no going back. Why take the pic in the first place? Did he think, "she'll take one look at this and wave her knickers in my face!"? Is he just an exhibitionist, touting his tawdry wares like the teenager who stopped me in my tracks? This lad had something to show and he was doing his level best to make sure I appreciated every inch of it, but short of almost having my eye out he had no effect at all.
Women just don't go in for this sort of thing. A few sat on photocopying machines during a daft craze a while back, but it's not something that's really taken off. Some guys put out naked shots of their girlfriends in a sort of world-wide Readers' Wives, sort of fat lass picture gallery. Phone porn goes with that sort of territory.
Weiner could have been Mayor. Somehow I don't suppose we will be seeing our blond bombshell Boris like this any time soon. He might talk a load of b..... but he doesn't haul them out for the electorate.
Sunday 5 June 2011
Miranda and Marfan Syndrome
Funny lady Miranda says she's borderline. Rachmaninov was full-blown. Someone I know is built like one and plays like the other and she's probably got Marfan Syndrome too. Which wouldn't matter a jot, except that this little-known condition can lead to sudden death.
People with Marfan are often extremely flexible. The party trick of the person i know is to do the splits, despite looking more like a wrestler than a gymnast. She can also touch her wrist with her thumb - hallmark Marfan. This flexibility affects blood vessels which can burst without warning.
Her dad died of a heart attack in the street. No one made any connection. Until I read about Miranda, no one had. It could be affecting her children, who might need to take care at sports, or her brothers, also ignorant of the risk.
It was Caitlin Moran interviewing Miranda in the Times who first sounded the alert. The comic cannot drink even one glass of wine without being off her face - exactly like the woman I know. So I started digging. Then I sent her the facts.
Was that the right thing to do? Such news is shattering. We are not good friends. Should I have let her live, probably without incident, in ignorance? Or would I have forever carried the weight had she dropped dead like her dad and nobody was any the wiser? Marfan is rare, but if any of this sounds like you, get it checked out. It's a drug regime and regular heart checks. It could save your life. I might just have saved hers.
People with Marfan are often extremely flexible. The party trick of the person i know is to do the splits, despite looking more like a wrestler than a gymnast. She can also touch her wrist with her thumb - hallmark Marfan. This flexibility affects blood vessels which can burst without warning.
Her dad died of a heart attack in the street. No one made any connection. Until I read about Miranda, no one had. It could be affecting her children, who might need to take care at sports, or her brothers, also ignorant of the risk.
It was Caitlin Moran interviewing Miranda in the Times who first sounded the alert. The comic cannot drink even one glass of wine without being off her face - exactly like the woman I know. So I started digging. Then I sent her the facts.
Was that the right thing to do? Such news is shattering. We are not good friends. Should I have let her live, probably without incident, in ignorance? Or would I have forever carried the weight had she dropped dead like her dad and nobody was any the wiser? Marfan is rare, but if any of this sounds like you, get it checked out. It's a drug regime and regular heart checks. It could save your life. I might just have saved hers.
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