Dying a slow death in front of the telly. Always knew it was killing me with boredom. Now those hunky, healthy Aussies have confirmed it. All this trash is taking years off our lives.
Deep down, we all knew. Doesn't take a lifestyle survey of 11,000 people to tell us the telly is rubbish. We've all had more fun watching grass grow. Nothing on but pap and tat, but we sit, sad-eyed and slumped, letting a tiny hope triumph over reality. Same every summer.
Now the University of Queensland says every hour of telly reduces a viewer's life expectancy by almost 22 minutes. Excuse me? That means I'm spending 38 minutes watching and 22 committing slow suicide. That's why Mock the Week, QI and University Challenge only last half an hour. Anything more is lethal and they want us back next week.
The science says it's sitting still that does it. Watching in front of an exercise bike doesn't count. Plonking yourself with a bowl of cereal and the remote does. Even fags are less harmful - they only take 11 minutes off every hour. Hold on, I'm starting to smell a porkie here. Somebody wants to sell more running shoes. Tell you what, I'll keep getting up to top up my glass, let out the dog and put the kettle on. That'll fix it Jim!
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