Phish Food

Odd folk us pet lovers. We think we know what's best for the little blighters.A fish lover gave his gourami prawn cocktail crisps. Gerty, a 40cm fish, blushed pink instead of her usual grey. Too many additives.

So now the London Aquarium is  feeding her a healthier diet - grapes and bananas. Since when did fish eat grapes and bananas? Last time one was lounging on a beach perhaps.

Grapes and bananas! Of course they know best, these aquatics people. Obviously looked it up. We feed our dog Marley chicken and rice, plus kibble twice a day, every day, no change. Apart from the odd bit of carrot. And sup of tea. A new delicacy just discovered and whined for piteously.

Bound to affect him. Got to - but how?

Why Our Kids Hate Maths

At last it's official - our schools are rubbish at teaching maths. Kids in the Far East do better. Go into any primary and it's easy to see why. I did - and stood back amazed as they taught three different methods of doing a sum.

Don't get it this way? Try this. Still not sure? Here's another way. Not got it yet - have a shot at this then. 

Instead of trying one method until everyone was happy with it they kept moving the goalposts. Kids who were confused at first ended up hopelessly lost by the time they had not understood the third, new, method.

Teachers said it was because not everyone would understand one method. Yes they will, just explain it properly to them, explain it again if they fail to grasp it and carry on until - bingo! - they've got it. The way I learned as a kid.

The way my kids learned, all of them excellent at maths. Not because of the schools. They did Kumon, invented by the Japanese. Simple. 

Piers Morgan Picked The Right Fight

How well does Piers Morgan know himself? Pretty well, I'd say. Like him or loathe him, how many other guys will freely admit that they have been banging on about their pet subject like a bore at the bar?

If that subject is gun control, and you go on about it because little kids were mown down in their infant class, then fair play to you. Shout about it as loud as you like because YOU ARE RIGHT!

Instead, watch the footage as Morgan patiently sits out the rant of a bullet-headed bigot who demands to be able to carry high velocity weapons because he is an American and no one will take his armoury away from him, certainly not some jumped-up Brit who thinks he knows best. 

Even the President backed down before that barrage. His biggest regret when he leaves office will be that he couldn't make the USA safer. The gun lobby got their way. 

It may be that Morgan got boring and people switched off, but if they just got tired of his message then shame on them for not putting their children first and doing whatever they could to stop the shootings. At least Piers tried.

Baby Guaranteed? Never

God there's cruelty and there's this. Conning a woman into thinking she has just given birth to a much wanted child. Giving her drugs to mimic pregnancy, then lying her down and pretending, with weird trickery,  pretending that her body has delivered a baby.

Social workers back home know different, they take the child away and prove, with science, that she is not this woman's child. The parents are more than devastated, the baby is in care and over in Nigeria someone is gloating.

It's unbelievable. British social workers say the couple must have known. Others say they had no idea. Whatever. It's tragic. I'm just hoping that this couple still want this baby, that they will still love her and treat her as their own, as they thought she was. 

And that other desperate couples steer clear of Nigeria, or anywhere else offering a child as a certainty. Wish it could be done but there is no place on earth that can be true. Nowhere. Believe that if you believe nothing else.

Free Drink = More Boozers. Discuss

Scientists - such a brainy bunch but this booze experiment is bound for the bin. Get a whole lot of students together and study their drinking habits. Good so far. Then the cruncher - the drinks are free!

Thump - that's the sound of a whole lot of research hitting the refuse disposal. Why? Because it's a different ball game when the booze is free. It doesn't take a PhD to see that getting them down is so much better when no cash is involved. Shorts? Sure, why not - because you are paying.

Any other night it might be a couple of swift pints and that's the lot mate, no more till the grant comes in, so it's off to the library for a study or a snooze. 

This drinking lab at South Bank University is bound to be popular, with its mahogany bar, mock fireplace and fruit machines, but they could have done away with all of that attempt at atmosphere and just put up the sign; Free Drinks. Job done.

Beware Exploding Fatties

Fatties beware! All those tall tales your mum told you about going off with a bang if you stuff your face turn out to be true! A 58-year-old woman in China exploded after eating too much.

Gas in her gut set fire to a theatre where she was having an operation to sort out her swollen stomach. She'd been bingeing and boozing for Chinese New Year.

Pity the poor surgeon leaning over her at the time. Singed his eyebrows, probably. Makes you think. All those barrels of lard rolling around could turn out to be bombs, primed to go off with just one more burger.

All the stuff about obesity causing diabetes, heart disease and cancer bothered the biggies not a jot. But errant gas setting off a fire-storm? That'll have them wobbling to weight-watchers. Get the water buckets ready.

MacShane The Slimy Shyster

Denis MacShane you are a slimy low life who ought to crawl under the nearest stone. Sue me if I am wrong. Let's look at the facts. This is an MP, given one of the highest jobs in the land, who robbed the British people of £13,000 in fiddled expenses and served only six weeks of a six month sentence for it. 

He's out and crowing about the book he wants to write about the people he met inside. Among them were prisoners who: "Know the difference between right and wrong and are prepared to admit to mistakes they have made in the past."

They've learned a lesson then. Not MacShane. He compares himself with a TV star who was aquitted earlier this week. He calls himself an angel. That's not what I would call him. Would you?

Pope Must Shovel The Sh** Out Now

"Suffer the little children," said Jesus and they certainly have at the hands of the Catholic Church.  A damning report today says that the Vatican protected the evil priests at the expense of the vulnerable children.

It's been going on so long and even the clean up that was promised is on a go-slow. Pope Francis, seen by many as a reformer, is not getting on with the job of lancing the boil and cleaning up the scandal of the sexual abuse of children

 The excuse is that he has other important stuff to do first. What? What could be more important than this? How can anybody claim to be a good Catholic if they support this stinking edifice?

Priests were allowed to do the devil's work unhindered. They were even hidden from view and helped to carry on elsewhere. If I believed in God I would expect punishment in another life. Instead I demand it here. Jesus put children first but Catholics only care about their good name. That's gone - so get on with it, there is nothing left to lose.