How to spice up the sex life? Let's slather on the Brasso, wrap up in cling film and hang upside down from the door frame while getting whacked on the arse with a wet sock. Shove a soldering iron up the snozz. Or somewhere else. Why be fussy, it's all so much FUN.
What goes on in the wide world of sexual excitement is surely a wonder to behold. Got me gobsmacked. Why would anyone tidy the kitchen, strip off and squeeze into a North Face holdall. Why? What gave the GCHQ guy Gareth Williams the idea? Did he get back from a spying trip one day, look longingly at his luggage and think: "I would sooo love just to climb in there for a bit of me time!"
Is that what happens when your bags go missing at Heathrow? Somebody is having sex in your Samsonite? Is there a fan mag for folk who get into bags big time? Gives a whole new meaning to undo my zipper. Except that he couldn't. Undo the zipper that is, from the inside. An escape artist proved you need a sharp pen for the job, otherwise you suffocate. Gives you a huge high, the lack of oxygen. Before you die.
Sounds dangerous to me. Going to have to stick to the boring old bin-bags, oranges and fishnet tights. With a dead goldfish and a Pritt Stick. Bring it on!
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