"Good morning and welcome aboard. This is your Captain speaking, well, slagging everyone off, actually, because really, would you do it with that gorilla of a stewardess?" Pilots look like film stars and speak like public announcers don't they? Except when they accidentally leave the mike on and the air turns blue.
Must get boring whiling away the hours while the plane flies itself. A bit of bitching over the joy-stick is to be expected. Except that this time every F and blind was being relayed back to air traffic control. Off he went on one: "It was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies.Well I don't give a f*** I hate 100 per cent of their asses. At the end, with two girls, one of them was part-doable but all these women wanted to do, one wanted to berate her sister and the other wanted to bitch about her husband.
"When that was done, got back to my room, I'm like, why the f*** did I stay up?" A bit of spluttering from the other end should have been a warning, but the pilot was on a roll, his blabbing took in looks, age and sexual preferences of his fellow crew - none of it nice.
In the end Air Traffic finally got his attention and told him : "Someone's got a stuck mike and is telling us all about their endeavours. We don't need to hear that." The pilot was suspended while he took "diversity training." He's not the first, joining the ranks of George Bush and Gordon Brown, whose private conversations also ended up on You Tube. Shame really. If he'd known the whole world would be drinking in his every utterance he might have been wittier - or even funny.
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