Dumb and dumber - got to hand it to the criminal fraternity - shame that we so often do - but for raw stupidity and staggering ineptitude they are unbeatable. Take young Lee Gadsby who dropped his phone while out for a spot of routine burglaring. Switch on and hey-ho, there's his face on the screen! Any old plod could decifer that clue. Call home Constable, your clear up rate's just gone rocketing! Lee 19, from Clifton, Nottingham, likes to do a bit of nicking in his spare time, so another 29 offences were added to his list. Nice one.
Good to know that he won't waste his time inside. The lags are watching the Crime and Investigation network on Sky, courtesy of the taxpayer. Costs us £4,400 a month to tutor the boys in their trade. You'd like to think that Lee wouldn't make the same mistake again, but with this wooden top I think we are safe.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Friday, 5 February 2010
What they say, what they mean
Things people say " I don't want to hurt you!" Oh God, here it comes, he"s about to slice my heart with a hedge trimmer and serve it with salad to his new girlfriend.
Or "It's not about the money!" when a claim as thick as a bull's backside gets dumped on the solicitor"s desk. "Would I lie to you?" Er, is that a question that really wants an answer because naturally it would be "yes, yes, absolutely all the time YES."
Why do we do it? Is it just to get through the uncomfortable moments? "I just need a bit more space!" Like the whole house, street, country would be great, just get right out of my life. "It's not you, it's me" It's NEVER me, Lover of the Year 1993, so why don't you just take a hike and get over it? And "with respect" What! What's coming next is about to sear your ears, pop your eyes and steal your breath, leaving you gasping with its total lack of common courtesy. We all know what a pile of doggie doos it all is but we go on hoping. " I do love you, really" Ahh, better to believe in vain than not bother at all. Roll on Valentines Day
Or "It's not about the money!" when a claim as thick as a bull's backside gets dumped on the solicitor"s desk. "Would I lie to you?" Er, is that a question that really wants an answer because naturally it would be "yes, yes, absolutely all the time YES."
Why do we do it? Is it just to get through the uncomfortable moments? "I just need a bit more space!" Like the whole house, street, country would be great, just get right out of my life. "It's not you, it's me" It's NEVER me, Lover of the Year 1993, so why don't you just take a hike and get over it? And "with respect" What! What's coming next is about to sear your ears, pop your eyes and steal your breath, leaving you gasping with its total lack of common courtesy. We all know what a pile of doggie doos it all is but we go on hoping. " I do love you, really" Ahh, better to believe in vain than not bother at all. Roll on Valentines Day
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Bottoms up by degrees
In the world of the weird and wonderful there is always room for one more. Take university registrar Karl Woodgett. He's been done for handing out fake degrees at the University of Bath. He wanted to reward his lady friends for taking part in his pain management study. That's what he calls his prediliction for tanning backsides, preferably black ones.
That's an academic for you. Anyone else would have asked them nicely if they could see their way clear to leaning over the table while he went about them with a fish slice.
But Karl, 37, gave them degrees for their pains rather than a few quid and a box of sweeties. He liked to film himself spanking them. Time was when a spanking meant a lack of educational interest, not the opposite. Each to his own. Makes you wonder what the women were qualified in - or perhaps that's one best left to the imagination. Which boggles, does it not?
That's an academic for you. Anyone else would have asked them nicely if they could see their way clear to leaning over the table while he went about them with a fish slice.
But Karl, 37, gave them degrees for their pains rather than a few quid and a box of sweeties. He liked to film himself spanking them. Time was when a spanking meant a lack of educational interest, not the opposite. Each to his own. Makes you wonder what the women were qualified in - or perhaps that's one best left to the imagination. Which boggles, does it not?
sofa so good
Does anyone ever buy those sofas they put in the sales? The ones with vomit patterned cushions and yellow leatherette? Ads show some woman in pyjamas lounging on a corner unit. Does anyone ever get one of those ? In red? Clearly not, because they are still trying to sell them. Running out of time to buy too, so they say. Always just a few days left, so hurry and don't pay a penny for two years.
The thing won't last two years. Soon as you pay for it it's time to get a new one. With a weird bell end. The corner units always have this round bit at the end that has no back or sides so no one can sit on it. What's it for? Our second-hand sofa cost £50 and everyone fights over it because it's got wings to support your head while sleeping. Looks like the ones in the staring window at the old folk's home but ever tried kipping on the end of a corner unit? Exactly!
The thing won't last two years. Soon as you pay for it it's time to get a new one. With a weird bell end. The corner units always have this round bit at the end that has no back or sides so no one can sit on it. What's it for? Our second-hand sofa cost £50 and everyone fights over it because it's got wings to support your head while sleeping. Looks like the ones in the staring window at the old folk's home but ever tried kipping on the end of a corner unit? Exactly!
Sunday, 31 January 2010
David Cameron and Katherine Jenkins class act or not
Flawed heroes - we've known a few! But it takes the Yanks to step right up and knock them dead! Chatting about taking office and how the big boys seized the moment. Kennedy had Marilyn sing for him on his birthday, Nixon schmoozed Sinatra and good old Bill Clinton played sax with Stevie Wonder. My God! How cool was that!
What did Gordon do? Oh yes, he wasn't elected was he, so no big party there. Now we are looking at Cameron. And he's counting the pennies. Doesn't want to come across as a big spender in the skint zone. Shame, because we could all do with a huge dose of gobsmacking glamour. Who would fit the bill? Can he sing alongside the totally beautiful Katherine Jenkins do you think? Or better still, play the piano? Or dance with Cheryl Cole? Hmm, I think I'd better think it out again.
What did Gordon do? Oh yes, he wasn't elected was he, so no big party there. Now we are looking at Cameron. And he's counting the pennies. Doesn't want to come across as a big spender in the skint zone. Shame, because we could all do with a huge dose of gobsmacking glamour. Who would fit the bill? Can he sing alongside the totally beautiful Katherine Jenkins do you think? Or better still, play the piano? Or dance with Cheryl Cole? Hmm, I think I'd better think it out again.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Who's batty then?
Good to hear the guy who whacked a baddie over the head with a cricket bat is on his way home from jail - though he did give 57-year-old Walid Salem a good pasting. Munir Hussain, 53, went ballistic after being tied up and threatened with a knife. Salem was apparently left with brain damage. So what brain would that be? He has a stack of previous and was no sooner cleared of this case than he was back on the fraud again.
Got enough wit for that then. Seems he's into forged credit cards, as well as terrorising families. Sort of thing you expect from drug-crazed hoodies, not middle-aged men. At least now the police are saying we can stick up for our own, since they did such a shoddy job of keeping this total waster off the streets. As my old mum used to say: "If you want something done, do it yourself!"
Got enough wit for that then. Seems he's into forged credit cards, as well as terrorising families. Sort of thing you expect from drug-crazed hoodies, not middle-aged men. At least now the police are saying we can stick up for our own, since they did such a shoddy job of keeping this total waster off the streets. As my old mum used to say: "If you want something done, do it yourself!"
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Avatar anyone?
So, have you seen the new Avatar movie yet? Me neither. Been told it's preachy, with lot of talking trees and saving the environment. The 3D is awesome, with some great effects, but it's not exactly lighting my fuse.
This whole Avatar thing is a bit more than weird anyway. Sane individuals are spending real money buying stuff in a virtual world. Blokes with guts much bigger than their bank balances splash out on their avatar, some hot-shot lawyer type with a neat line in menswear and at least three gorgeous girls hanging off his lower lip. Is that sad or what? Tesco"s hardly jammed with women to set the pulse racing but you'd think anybody would have a better chance of scoring there than sat in front of their screen. Then again, maybe not. How about giving offyerface Facebook a chance and hoping the reality lives up to the spec?
This whole Avatar thing is a bit more than weird anyway. Sane individuals are spending real money buying stuff in a virtual world. Blokes with guts much bigger than their bank balances splash out on their avatar, some hot-shot lawyer type with a neat line in menswear and at least three gorgeous girls hanging off his lower lip. Is that sad or what? Tesco"s hardly jammed with women to set the pulse racing but you'd think anybody would have a better chance of scoring there than sat in front of their screen. Then again, maybe not. How about giving offyerface Facebook a chance and hoping the reality lives up to the spec?
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