Beer, Blair and Mandy's new name

Guess who they are calling Mr Mandelweasel? That's Business Secretary Lord Mandelson to you and me but I prefer his new title - seems to suit him. Just a slip up on someone's part, but the truth will out.

Mandy says he's not bothered, reckons he's been called worse in the past. Now that's a fact. Weasels are "beyond his remit" says his press man, but take one , hard look at the guy, those tiny, sharp little eyes and pointed features. Close? Could be brothers.

His pal Blair is back too, looking orange. Hotfooted it up to County Durham to share a pint and get the lads on side for Gordon. Never mind he can't stand the man and we all know it. Geordies are so clearly God's own folk but what a blind spot they've got for Blair. It's like taking a pretty lass home and waking up next to a troll. The beer blurs the vision. That's why they call it lunatics'broth.

University Challenge clever clogs

Speaking of smarts - do you believe in thought transference? Reason is, I've been able to answer the chemistry questions on University Challenge. Twice. And what I know about the periodic table is.... But tonight, there it was, straight into my head, Ag, silver, I said, just before the amazing boffin boy came up WITH THE SAME ANSWER! Spooky or what.

Last time I did that was when I watched last question on the show, noted the fiendishly clever answer and then watched it again on plus 1. So worth it to see the looks on their faces. Although I did come up with polypropylene once. Not natural. Chemistry just isn't my thing.

Got more detentions for that than anything else. So is someone sending out thought waves? Or is that very dangerous ground indeed? I could be very much on my own with this one.

The boy's got brains - but what's missing?

Well. there's Einstein and there's me. Sometimes wonder how we could share the same planet, never mind species. They've just discovered he was right again about dark matter speeding up the universe. Wish I could say I told them so.

How come my spongey stuff is so inferior to his? Not that it's that bad, there are brighter cups of tea than some folk around here, but you see the dilemma. How does one person turn out a genius and another bog-standard, given the same basic building blocks, as it were.

Suppose it's like a Doberman and a Dachshund. Same sort, different cut of the jib. Did Einstein cook a mean roast dinner? Could he hold a tune? He married his cousin - does that make him a bit iffy somehow? Nuts and bolts of it - was he crap in bed? You've absolutely got to hope so, haven't you?

Gay birds are fun

We've got a couple of gay robins in the garden. I like red - so a bit of C on C is no problem. Many moons ago an ex who was also a bird fan - his interest in them outlasting me - said that robins are very territorial and they will fight for space.
Seems the red breast is not a mating thing, it's a warning to other males to stay away.

Well my pair of luvvies have been here ages and show every sign of getting on famously. Could be that they don't have to squabble over food - it's on the house. No need to ruffle those pretty feathers.

Gays are everywhere. We do it, dogs do it and so do sheep.Big bold rams who should flock to females, are tupping each other. They leave their mark to prove it. So can the Church just get it's big fat head around the fact and leave them all in peace?

Hot to trot Gordon woos us all

Whiff of the dumped boyfriend about Gordon Brown. It's belatedly dawned on him that he's had it. We don't find him sexy. So he is showering us with chocolates and flowers. Or websites. The PM has decided he needs something cool to make us love him. We will all have a web page within four years. Oh Gordon, you are so HOT!

Imagine. Mum-in-law who cannot, ever, remember how to switch on her mobile, will have a web page so she can sort out her passport, driving licence and benefits. Everything she ever dreamed of, thanks to gorgeous Gordon. How thrilling!

We can trust Gordon with all of our secrets can't we? He would never reveal our deepest desires to anyone! No, he'll just leave the lot on a train for anyone to find. The scales have fallen, Gordon. We see you as you are - and it's not a pretty sight. No amount of loving us up will make you look good. We've deleted you as a friend - bye!

A light in the darkness

Sometimes, somewhere somebody shines a light on a bullshi...r and my heart soars. It's that Emperor moment when all is revealed for what is is - a pile of ignorant tripe. Such a moment dawned when Sanal Edamaruku told a mystic to do his worst and kill him on prime time telly. Shock waves throughout India! After all, this was a powerful tantric guru who claimed he could end life just by thinking about it.

"Go on then," said Sanal, head of the Indian Rationalists' Association. Much chanting,holy water and massaging later and Sanal is still with us. So the holy man says he has to sleep with a woman first and rub himself with ash - hopefully that way round. "Great," says Sanal. I'll wait. And he does and he is, still. Now the holy man says Sanal must be protected by the gods. So, as Sanal steps out in front of a bus...

Reminds me of one about tantric sex being like calling a plumber - you stay in all day and nobody comes. Shine a light, shine a light , as the song goes and keep your tosh to yourself.

Loose Women and the seriously bonkers

And another thing! Watched Loose Women on the box the other day. One off,it was a bit early for the news. They were flagging an item on ovarian cancer - The Silent Killer, they called it.

Well it stayed silent, because, you know what? They got all coy and started talking about Down Belows and "let's not go there!" How hugely pathetic is that? Reminds me of my first editor. He painted pants on pictures of toddlers they used in bath adverts. A two-year-old bottom would offend his readers. He went ballistic when we cheered on a couple of amourous dogs we spotted from the newsroom window.

Bob Gillespie, your heart was kind but sorry, you were seriously bonkers. Ditto Loose Women.