Cilla's got the right idea. Been reading today that 10m of us can expect to make 100. What a prospect! Cilla Black says she will be ready to go at 75 and she's spot on. It's not the getting old. The alternative is worse. It's the horrible, helpless indignity of it all. How do you cope with that? Missing marbles must be a blessing.
Been spending some time in our local hospital. It's an eye-opener. Everyone there seems to be over 75 and shaky. Commodes and Zimmer Frames rule. They were testing one old boy's cognisance. That's easy. None left, since 20 minutes ago he was standing starkers by his bed peeing on the sheets. The lovely nurse who cleaned up after him sighed: " Why do I always get naked?" Hope you do girl, lots of times, before you get to that stage.
I say there's good reason for calling it a day long before. Save me a seat on that flight to Zurich Cilla.
Thursday 30 December 2010
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Shakira Shakes Them Up
Dancing with Shakira - surely the stuff or nightmares! Just the thought of her gorgeous body going through the moves next to yours is enough to bring on a massive attack of the screaming heebie-jeebies. If you are a girl that is.
Shakira is Columbia's number one export. She's dynamite. Mesmerising midriff and all. But what did she do at the O2? Invited four girlies on stage with her, that's what. How utterly heartless. No better way to see your prospects plummet! Who would dare to compare? Get up on stage and... time to get your coat pet you've just been scratched from the fixture.
Belly dancing from a girl this good stands alone. She needs no help . When Shakira offers lessons in a spot of booty shaking, decline gracefully. The guy from The Times, - it's a tough job - described her performance as, " a high-velocity buttock wobble." We get the picture. He knows his stuff.
Forget 15 minutes of fame on stage and escape with ego intact! I offer this as an act or kindness along with one further tip - leave the goggle-eyed boys at home.
Shakira is Columbia's number one export. She's dynamite. Mesmerising midriff and all. But what did she do at the O2? Invited four girlies on stage with her, that's what. How utterly heartless. No better way to see your prospects plummet! Who would dare to compare? Get up on stage and... time to get your coat pet you've just been scratched from the fixture.
Belly dancing from a girl this good stands alone. She needs no help . When Shakira offers lessons in a spot of booty shaking, decline gracefully. The guy from The Times, - it's a tough job - described her performance as, " a high-velocity buttock wobble." We get the picture. He knows his stuff.
Forget 15 minutes of fame on stage and escape with ego intact! I offer this as an act or kindness along with one further tip - leave the goggle-eyed boys at home.
Monday 20 December 2010
Max Master of The Noble Art
Geordies are prime cadgers. We know how to touch a likely suspect for a bob or two, or failing that, a round of drinks. Such ancient arts are imbibed with our mother's milk, so it is with grudging admiration that the tale of Max the Swiss is told.
The is the charming old gent who has been emptying wallets all over Europe. His tales of stolen cars full of kiddies' Christmas presents have melted even hardened hearts. Apparently stranded by the side of the road, he has been given lifts, meals and enough cash to send him happily on his way. He promises a cheque in the post. Yes well.
A couple of his soft touches spotted him on a bus and called the police. This is where the intrinsic beauty of the scheme is revealed in all its perfect glory. Max can not be had. He has broken no law, because everyone he took money from had to force it on him. He never asks, the poor saps just take pity on him and practically beg him to let them fill his pockets. The man is a genius, a grand master of the noble art of getting owt for nowt. I stand in awe.
The is the charming old gent who has been emptying wallets all over Europe. His tales of stolen cars full of kiddies' Christmas presents have melted even hardened hearts. Apparently stranded by the side of the road, he has been given lifts, meals and enough cash to send him happily on his way. He promises a cheque in the post. Yes well.
A couple of his soft touches spotted him on a bus and called the police. This is where the intrinsic beauty of the scheme is revealed in all its perfect glory. Max can not be had. He has broken no law, because everyone he took money from had to force it on him. He never asks, the poor saps just take pity on him and practically beg him to let them fill his pockets. The man is a genius, a grand master of the noble art of getting owt for nowt. I stand in awe.
Thursday 16 December 2010
Don't Cry For This Mule
Bereavement is not funny. Anyone who read about Maddie Mortimer's gift here earlier this week knows how well I understand this.
Yet some people deserve to be fished out of the gene pool because they are simply too daft to stay. That's a fact. Case in point - Anthony Daniel, who has cashed in his chips at 40. No callow youth this.
He ate a kilo of cocaine and was caught by Customs. They whipped him to hospital to save his life. But no. Mr Daniel refused food and drink to stop the drugs passing through him and died a week later when the bag burst. Cause of death - acute cocaine toxicity and drug-related heart failure.
Now his family plan to sue Customs. Now that is funny. In a week when a lovely mum loses her fight to stay with her young daughters no one should shed a tear for this man. No doubt someone will cry for him - but not me.
Yet some people deserve to be fished out of the gene pool because they are simply too daft to stay. That's a fact. Case in point - Anthony Daniel, who has cashed in his chips at 40. No callow youth this.
He ate a kilo of cocaine and was caught by Customs. They whipped him to hospital to save his life. But no. Mr Daniel refused food and drink to stop the drugs passing through him and died a week later when the bag burst. Cause of death - acute cocaine toxicity and drug-related heart failure.
Now his family plan to sue Customs. Now that is funny. In a week when a lovely mum loses her fight to stay with her young daughters no one should shed a tear for this man. No doubt someone will cry for him - but not me.
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Jet Set Feel the Pinch
Chuck another chair on the fire father! To hell with poverty, let's have beans with our chips for tea. Splash out! Because if snow stops the Giro we'll be subbing off the corner shop again.
Everyone is missing their little luxuries, like coal and bread. And yes, even those hard-pressed bankers are feeling the pinch. Poor dears are more up against it than a rat in a trap. So much so, they are having to ditch their private planes and, whisper it, share with strangers. Dear God no, never that Cedric!
"People are scaling back. They sold planes to bring down their monthly cost, " says Ricky Sitomer, boss of Blue Star Jets, which rents out private planes to city types. A return trip from New York to Colorado for the skiing costs £25,000 if they go charter. It's slumming but well, must do their bit after all.
Bonuses are down 10% so something had to give. These days they forgo the lobster and filet mignon and bring their own lunches. Austerity is the new watchword. With such careful costing we should all be very grateful that they are still in charge of the nations' finances.
Everyone is missing their little luxuries, like coal and bread. And yes, even those hard-pressed bankers are feeling the pinch. Poor dears are more up against it than a rat in a trap. So much so, they are having to ditch their private planes and, whisper it, share with strangers. Dear God no, never that Cedric!
"People are scaling back. They sold planes to bring down their monthly cost, " says Ricky Sitomer, boss of Blue Star Jets, which rents out private planes to city types. A return trip from New York to Colorado for the skiing costs £25,000 if they go charter. It's slumming but well, must do their bit after all.
Bonuses are down 10% so something had to give. These days they forgo the lobster and filet mignon and bring their own lunches. Austerity is the new watchword. With such careful costing we should all be very grateful that they are still in charge of the nations' finances.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Maddie Mortimer's Gift
Today I'm not trying to be funny. Hit and miss at the best of times. Today I'm sad for a young girl who lost her mum to cancer on Friday. Her name is Maddie Mortimer, she's 14 and she has a younger sister Bella, aged 12.
I've been following her mum Katie Pearson's column in the Times about coping with disease and a new dog. It's been amusing, but recently a dark shadow fell over it, when she revealed doctors had told her there was nothing left to try. Katie went home and dad Marcus had to break the news to their girls.
Maddie tells it like it was in the Times today. I won't even try to describe it. Her words are the right ones. How she found them staggers me. She wraps her grief in love and makes a present of it to her mum, her family and the rest of us. I think she is amazing. Read it.
I've been following her mum Katie Pearson's column in the Times about coping with disease and a new dog. It's been amusing, but recently a dark shadow fell over it, when she revealed doctors had told her there was nothing left to try. Katie went home and dad Marcus had to break the news to their girls.
Maddie tells it like it was in the Times today. I won't even try to describe it. Her words are the right ones. How she found them staggers me. She wraps her grief in love and makes a present of it to her mum, her family and the rest of us. I think she is amazing. Read it.
Sunday 12 December 2010
Out of My Depp
Baggy pyjamas! The sexiest guy in the world wears baggy pyjamas. And guess what? It only makes Mr Johnnie Smokin' Depp even hotter! How come? Why do the normal rules not apply to this master of the universe? Your average Joe puts on baggy pyjamas and all is hot chocolate and an early night.
Depp shoves his sweet little ass into a pair and the world ignites! Sydney Harbour on New Year's Eve - not even close! Here is a Man God and saggy pants are what he wears. Perfect.
He whispered confidentially to another bloke:" But you don't want to abuse pyjamas. You get used to them and you're screwed..." SEE! - that's the make of the man. He knows he has everything it takes, no need to flaunt it, just let it slip out in it's own good time. Mmmmmm.
Depp shoves his sweet little ass into a pair and the world ignites! Sydney Harbour on New Year's Eve - not even close! Here is a Man God and saggy pants are what he wears. Perfect.
He whispered confidentially to another bloke:" But you don't want to abuse pyjamas. You get used to them and you're screwed..." SEE! - that's the make of the man. He knows he has everything it takes, no need to flaunt it, just let it slip out in it's own good time. Mmmmmm.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Porkie alert! Is your antenna twitching? Mine is after watching The Apprentice. Someone is trying to pull a flanker and it's not going to be pretty. Sir Alan's righteous wrath will be a joy to behold. Can't wait for the mighty axe to fall.
It's Stuart. He's rather fond of himself. "Let's start a new company!" the youth exclaimed. "Outrageous! " said the boss. Not sure he was convinced Stuart could make good on his promise to make millions. That gleam in Sir Alan's eye was not greed - he smells blood.
This troublesome child has come up with such cobblers that they must smack him in the face sooner or later. Next week sees the nit-pickers going through CVs. Exaggeration is not unknown. It is also Stuart's stock in trade. He has never knowingly sold himself short.
Has he been honest? What do you think? Me, I'm convinced the Whiskered One is hot on the trail. He smells a bull with dreadful tummy trouble. When that stuff hits the fan next week there will be such a wonderful stink the long dead will sit up and take notice. You have been warned.
It's Stuart. He's rather fond of himself. "Let's start a new company!" the youth exclaimed. "Outrageous! " said the boss. Not sure he was convinced Stuart could make good on his promise to make millions. That gleam in Sir Alan's eye was not greed - he smells blood.
This troublesome child has come up with such cobblers that they must smack him in the face sooner or later. Next week sees the nit-pickers going through CVs. Exaggeration is not unknown. It is also Stuart's stock in trade. He has never knowingly sold himself short.
Has he been honest? What do you think? Me, I'm convinced the Whiskered One is hot on the trail. He smells a bull with dreadful tummy trouble. When that stuff hits the fan next week there will be such a wonderful stink the long dead will sit up and take notice. You have been warned.
Wednesday 8 December 2010
Designer Dross or Not
Once chucked out an Hermes scarf. I'm assuming that the H is silent. Don't know, posh labels are not my thing. Neither was this scarf. It was fugly with a capital F. Some stuff is worth the cash. My Armani jacket gets worn to Tescos because well, have you walked past the freezers lately? No nipple thrill for the shelf-stackers from me, just the warmest thing since duvets and that's that.
But bags! Women are wearing a mortgage on their arms, in a look at what I've got way. I'm looking and I'm laughing! Why would anyone want a huge, leopard spot thing with a brass lock anywhere near them? Costs £1,000. I could show them how to be a total div for a fraction of that. Been doing it for years.
They can giggle all they like at my appalling taste, I'm perfectly happy with that and with the tat at Primark.
But bags! Women are wearing a mortgage on their arms, in a look at what I've got way. I'm looking and I'm laughing! Why would anyone want a huge, leopard spot thing with a brass lock anywhere near them? Costs £1,000. I could show them how to be a total div for a fraction of that. Been doing it for years.
They can giggle all they like at my appalling taste, I'm perfectly happy with that and with the tat at Primark.
Monday 6 December 2010
Kiss or Tickle in London Town
Covent Garden - great place, shame about the snogging! They've rigged up a bit of mistletoe that lights up when couples kiss. How lovely for them. Trouble is, I don't want to watch anyone eating face. That's not fun. Sticky slobber, triple yuk. Slight pause for upchuck.
Who wants to watch other people kissing? Some of them are staying there for ever, so we can all judge their amazing technique. Made me think of good kisses, just to take the taste away, kind of thing.
Best kiss? Gentle, slightly lingering, but completely unexpected. Stopped me dead. Could not think. Head exploded and the guy was delighted. Blasted every neural pathway like a Hadron Collider! Awesome is not the word - but it's near enough.
Point is, it was brief. A promise of things to come, not a tonsil tickle. Each to his own, all that gnawing might work for some, but there are major life moments that do it for you every time you think of them, days, even years later. Can't teach a person that, no matter how detailed the demonstration.
Who wants to watch other people kissing? Some of them are staying there for ever, so we can all judge their amazing technique. Made me think of good kisses, just to take the taste away, kind of thing.
Best kiss? Gentle, slightly lingering, but completely unexpected. Stopped me dead. Could not think. Head exploded and the guy was delighted. Blasted every neural pathway like a Hadron Collider! Awesome is not the word - but it's near enough.
Point is, it was brief. A promise of things to come, not a tonsil tickle. Each to his own, all that gnawing might work for some, but there are major life moments that do it for you every time you think of them, days, even years later. Can't teach a person that, no matter how detailed the demonstration.
Friday 3 December 2010
Global Party Fallout
All this tittle-tattle - have they not twigged it's just one worldwide office party? Come a bit early that's all. Everyone got boozed up and started telling the boss what's what. "You've gone and bollixed it up big-time mate, place is going down the pan, got to get your act together .. " And: "That Karen next door, have to dump her, she's a right arsey bitch! Been shooting her mouth off all over the shop." Sound likely?
Beer washing up against the back teeth always spews out the truth. That's the nature of things. So why is anyone getting shirty about it now? Time to mop up and move on. Bound to leave a bit of a stink. Going to be a bit unpleasant around the place for a while and no cosying up to Karen any more, but, well, she was rubbish, always skint. Maybe Amy will be a better bet anyway.
Beer washing up against the back teeth always spews out the truth. That's the nature of things. So why is anyone getting shirty about it now? Time to mop up and move on. Bound to leave a bit of a stink. Going to be a bit unpleasant around the place for a while and no cosying up to Karen any more, but, well, she was rubbish, always skint. Maybe Amy will be a better bet anyway.
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